argh (ex_argh) wrote in onho,
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Fade out... part 1

Title: Fade out - part one (01/11)
Author: argh
Rating: PG-13? idk?!fgvfjdgkldf
Length: 3,153 words
Pairing: TofuHo
Summary: Jinki wants to die. :/ So he overdoses...
Warnings: un-betaed. Sorry for the terrible grammar :/


fade out – part one

TofuHo

***

Jinki sighed as he glanced out the window; everything looked a dull depressing grey to him. The colours looked diluted, as if they had been washed away, leaving a dingy dull grey coating over the world. The sky was overcast, and he looked up, swallowed deeply as he saw the ominous thick clouds. They looked so low, so bloated and heavy, just looking at them made him feel a weight pressing him down. I don’t belong here. I don’t fit in. Jinki swallowed again, before he looked away and he sighed as he moved away from the window.

The grey clouds seemed to make the room duller and darker than it should be, and he looked around at the grey lifeless room. The layers of dust on the furniture, the darkness filling the room deeply, somehow only making him feel even more alone. The room seemed to be painted in layers of dull lifeless greys that seemed to meet his eyes everywhere he looked. It was if he had been transported into a world without colour, and only shades of grey. There was no colour to Jinki, just the oppressing grey and the blackness of the clouds, pressing down on him heavily. So that he felt weak and devoid of energy, devoid of anything but a strange sense that he had to escape this grey monotonous world.

Jinki was sick of it, sick of everything being so dull and grey. Sick of everything being so lonely and empty, and filled with pain. He was sick of waking up in the morning feeling dread and fear, and at the same time feeling completely hollowed out. As if someone had come along and stripped him of all his feelings and emotions except the sad and painful ones. Every morning he would wake and feel as if he was stuck in a never ending circuit – every day starting and ending the same. The dread and worry when he woke, and then the pain and agony during the day, the nights were filled with numbness, loneliness and a sense of failure. A sense of failure for not escaping from the cycle of pain, a sense of failure for not stopping anything that happened to him; and a sense of failure for everything that he did. It was never good enough, and he was never good enough.

He wondered what the point was; his life had been the same for so long now that Jinki could not imagine it ever changing. He felt stuck fast, and everything felt hopeless and completely pointless. A lot of the time when he was home alone, he just felt numb. He would spend hours lying on his bed gazing at the ceiling, not thinking about anything, or doing anything. He found that nothing interested him anymore, and nothing inspired him to do anything at all. He was always amazed that his grades remained so good, despite his lack of involvement in anything. All his interests had slowly been eroded away, and he felt only aware of pain and sadness now. It was not depression he suffered from, not in his mind, it was just that he was stuck in a rut, unable to climb out. That he was completely sick of living, and sick of existing when the world was so colourless and grey.

Jinki felt no different as he rose slowly, he looked out the window and mouthed a soft goodbye to the grey thick clouds covering the sky. He walked slowly into the kitchen, feeling so eerily calm and almost relaxed, he had made his decision. He didn’t feel anything as he walked into the kitchen, and the grey clouds covering the city like a thick blanket of depression made the kitchen dim and dark. But the lights did little to lighten Jinki’s mood or soul.

He didn’t feel anything except determination as he looked at the sheet of tablets on the tabletop, and he opened the cupboard and grabbed a glass. His motions were steady and careful, and he took his time, carrying out each task. He filled the glass with tap water and sat down at the table, the glass resting beside him as he began to pop out the sleeping tablets. He didn’t know how many it would take to kill himself, but he figured he might as well take all of them. He figured it would be stupid to take half, and then wake up in a couple of days, he might as well take all of them and then he would not wake up again. Or at least he would not wake up in this dull, grey, colourless world that he hated.

He still didn’t feel anything as he spread them across the surface of the table, little white tablets all lined up neatly. When he had finished popping them out of their plastic casing, he took in a deep breath, and thought for a moment if he really wanted to do this. He stared down intently, eyeing the neat rows of tablets, thinking deeply about his choices and if he wanted to do this or not. He blinked slowly, and rationalised it in his head, and found that after several moments of deep thinking he felt no regrets. He sighed and felt that nothing had changed, so he picked up the first tablet and swallowed it down with his water.

By the twentieth tablet he was struggling to swallow them, he felt so water logged and his throat felt weird, the tablets felt rough on his throat. However he was determined and so he kept forcing them down. It felt like it took a long time, but in reality it had only taken five minutes. Jinki blinked his eyes as he looked down at his half full glass of water (he had to refill it a few times) and the empty tablet cases. He sighed and got up slowly, walking into the living room as he slumped down onto the couch. He thought he might feel something, anything when he was finished but if anything he felt emptier, lighter and hollow. It didn’t make sense, his stomach should feel full from all the water and tablets he had consumed, but he didn’t feel heavy or full but light.

A few minutes later and nothing had changed he still didn’t feel any different; he didn’t feel anything at all. He sighed heavily and wondered how long this was going to take. He thought he would swallow the pills and then in a matter of moments he would fall asleep. He glanced down at his watch, nearly ten minutes had passed and he still felt wide awake and no different. Jinki got up again, and he went back to the table, panicking that somehow he had taken the wrong pills, but when he read the label he felt relieved. He had taken his mothers sleeping tablets, the extra strong ones, he hadn’t made any mistake. He returned back to the couch sitting down and fidgeting nervously, and he wondered what exactly one was meant to do while waiting to die? Should he finish his homework? Would his teachers be impressed to find that he spent the last moments of his life working on his homework?

He snorted softly to himself, and flicked the television on, rolling his eyes as he watched the news, deciding that he did not need to think about homework now. He nodded his head slowly; he had made the right choice. Everything was so dull and depressing; the news all seemed to be doom and gloom. By the time the weather was being mentioned, he was starting to feel hot and slightly nauseous. He could feel himself sweating, and his skin was starting to feel damp and sticky, and he felt slightly nauseous. He swallowed and tried to focus on the television and not on the churning of his stomach. He could feel shooting pains starting to build in his stomach and his nausea was growing. He swallowed and shut his eyes, listening to the television and trying so hard to ignore the growing pain he could feel in his stomach.

“Goodbye world?” He gasped out softly, clutching at his stomach, “Fuck, let me fucking die already?” He moaned moments later, jerking his head back as he felt even more nauseous. He had to hold it in, if he threw up, it would all be wasted. He had to hold it in, he couldn’t be sick, he couldn’t throw up. He was not going to waste the tablets; he was not going to waste anything. Jinki was sweating as he covered his mouth and tried so hard not to vomit. He had to do this, he had to die, and there was quite simply nothing worth living for. The pains in stomach grew so much and then everything blacked out, and Jinki felt himself sinking into nothingness.

*

Jinki groaned, his throat was burning and it felt like he was choking. This wasn’t how heaven or the afterlife was meant to be. He slowly started to open his eyes, squinting as bright white lights filled his vision, and he felt like he was choking, as he groggily tried to lift his arm. His arm however, remained down by his side; he tried to swallow as his eyes adjusted to the bright lights. His whole body ached and throbbed, and he managed to groan again, realising that he had tubes shoved down his throat. That explained the burning in his throat, and why he felt like he was choking.

His vision shifted into focus after a few moments of blinking, and then he could make out a man in a white coat, with a woman next to him all dressed in white, holding a clipboard. He wondered vaguely if this was perhaps heaven or something, despite the pain he felt because the two people smiled down at him warmly and they looked like they were glowing because they were so bright. But at the same time he knew that was a ridiculous thought because logically he knew heaven would not look or feel like this. He was just not used to the light. Everything seemed so bright, it made Jinki wince, and squint up at the lights. It was too bright, far too bright; it felt painful to have his eyes open.

“Jinki-ssi?”

The man in white smiled down at him, and Jinki realised with a start that he was wearing a stethoscope, and he felt his hopes sink as he realised he was still very much alive. He tried to talk, but the tubes shoved down this throat prevented him from doing much but drooling. He tried to swallow and he wriggled his arms, feeling indignant as he discovered they were strapped down. Ugh what the fuck? Where am I? I’m fucking restrained? And fuck this, why am I still alive? Did someone find me before the tablets could take effect?

“Glad you finally decided to join us!” The doctor smiled pleasantly down at him, and Jinki groaned and wriggled against his restraints. “The nurse will remove the tubes and restraints for you soon; we were forced to use them.” He nodded his head slowly, “You’re probably wondering where you are? You’re at Sunnyside.” He paused letting his words sink in and Jinki’s eyes widened as he stared up in horror at the doctor, his head spinning. Sunnyside? Fuck the infamous mental hospital? Fuck, did my mum send me here? I guess it would not surprise me. Fuck, fuck fuck!

“You don’t need to look so alarmed!” The doctor frowned slightly, “Oh right, I’m your Doctor,” he paused and straightened his lab coat, “My name is Song Joongki.” He smiled again and Jinki just stared coldly up at him, even though the doctor was smiling warmly down at him. “Anyways, I’m sorry to tell you this, but um your sleeping tablet overdose damaged your heart.” He paused watching Jinki’s eyes, “the damage is irreversible, basically you don’t have a lot of time left. You’ll probably be dead in seven days.”

Jinki blinked his eyes slowly and he tried to shrug but it was hard since he was restrained. He could see that the doctor was studying his face for some kind of negative reaction but he had wanted to die. He was hardly going to get all upset over this, instead he felt relieved even if it did mean he had to spend a week at Sunnyside. Jinki did feel slightly annoyed that the doctor kept smiling down at him, as if he was happy to be telling him that, as if he was happy that he was going to die soon. Jinki was relieved he was going to die soon, but he didn’t think it was right for a doctor to seem so happy about a patient dying.

The nurse finally leaned over, and Jinki shut his eyes as he felt her hands tugging on the tubes and wires poking out of him. For a few moments he wished he was dead already, the sting of the medical equipment being removed, and the drip in his arm, and the sensors monitoring his pulse. He didn’t think it would hurt so much, but it did, and he shuddered as the nurse lifted her hands to his face, to remove the tubes forced down his throat. He sucked in a deep breath as the tube shoved down his throat was removed, and he shut his jaw immediately, swallowing a few times to try and make his throat feel better. He smiled as he realised the restraints were being taken off his wrists as well and he managed a smile as he lifted his hands up.

“Jinki-ssi?”

Jinki had forgotten the doctor was even there and he frowned up at him wondering what he wanted now. Hadn’t he hassled him enough just now, shoved enough tubes down his throat? He sighed and looked up at the doctor expectantly but he just stood their smiling down at him. Jinki felt annoyed, the doctor was so smiley and happy, it made Jinki feel uneasy, he wasn’t used to being surrounded by such happy people. He found it odd how smiley and happy the doctor was, especially since he worked at Sunnyside, it made Jinki feel like the doctor must be insane too.

“Jinki-ssi, do you have any questions?” The doctor asked with a bright smile, and he blinked down at the boy.

“How long… have I been here for?” Jinki found himself asking moments later, he frowned wondering why he was asking such a thing. He didn’t really care but something about what the doctor had said earlier made him wonder if he had been there for a few days already. It didn’t seem like he had been there for very long, but his words earlier but made Jinki curious and slightly suspicious.

“Two weeks, you’ve spent the last two weeks in an induced coma.”

Jinki’s jaw dropped open in shock and he stared up in surprise at the doctor. He couldn’t believe that he had been there for that long. That he had been in a coma for two weeks, so that meant it was just over two weeks ago that he tried to kill himself. And now he had a week left to live, he blinked his eyes quickly, too shocked to notice the nurse leaning over him with a syringe.

“We had to put you in a coma to try and fix your body from the damage you did to it, but unfortunately there was nothing we could do.” The doctor nodded his head slowly, the smile gone from his lips as he spoke. Jinki just stared up at him, wondering if he should be feeling something at that point in time, and then he just shrugged.

“You may feel some pain, as your body begins to pack up so the nurse will give you painkillers to help with the pain you might feel.” He nodded his head slowly, as the nurse gripped Jinki’s arm tightly and injected him with painkillers. He bit down into his lip, staring up at the doctor with surprise, still processing everything he had been told. He had no idea what he was meant to do now, “Anyways we’ll give you some peace and quiet now.” The doctor nodded his head, and Jinki watched as he left with the nurse.

*

Jinki swallowed as he unlocked the door and stepped into the darkness. He felt around the wall until he found the light switch, and his chest ached as he turned the light on. He winced at the brightness and he sighed, taking his shoes off as he entered the apartment. He avoided looking down at his arms, at the blue and purple marks covering his upper arms. They were nothing new, but it still hurt when he looked down at those marks, it brought back all the nasty memories, he really wished he could forget it all. The bruises brought it all back fresh into his thoughts and memories, looking at his arms made him relive all those moments. The moments he wished he could erase from his mind, but it was impossible.

He ignored the mess and just walked into the kitchen, and he took out a packet of instant noodles, pushing aside the note his mother had left on the bench. He didn’t need to read it, he knew it would say the same thing it did everyday. That she was sorry but she was busy at work, and she wouldn’t be home until late. He ignored the hurt he felt inside his chest, and concentrated on boiling a pot of water. He concentrated so hard on the pot of water, it took his mind of everything else at least for a little while.

Nothing ever changed. He tried to hold back his tears as he looked down, catching sight of the fading bruises decorating his arms. It was always the same, nothing ever changed. He should be used to it. He should be used to having his arms covered in marks and bruises, but somehow he wasn’t. He still flinched when he caught sight of his bruised and wounded arms. He swallowed thickly, sitting down heavily at the table, his hands shaking as he took out his school books. He ignored the scribbles and dirty drawings covering them.

When his noodles were cooked he ate them in silence, and he felt numb as he looked down at his homework. It required little effort but he still took his time doing it, it gave him something to do in the lonely empty hours of the night. Sometimes the silence was deafening, completely unbearable. But at least when he did his homework he could forget about his loneliness and the sadness threatening to break him completely.


***

tbc… ^^;;;;

:/ idk what anyone thinks of this? D: I promise it won’t be all doom and gloom?

Oh and italic parts are flashbacks? XDD
Tags: !fanfic, !series, author: argh, pairing: tofuho, rating: pg-13
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