Author: argh (@ onho)
Length: 4,799 words
Summary: Jinki wants to die. :/ So he overdoses...
Warnings: un-betaed. Sorry for the terrible grammar and typos? :/
Dedicated to: ryukilla (sorry this is angst again D: ♥)
Previous parts: ( one )
fade out – part two
Although Jinki had tried to kill himself, he was not sure how he felt after the doctor left. He was not sure what he should be feeling or thinking, or even what he was meant to do now. He found that there was a difference between trying to kill yourself and being told that he only had a week left to live. It wasn’t that he regretted his decision to kill himself, but he found that somehow being told he only had a week made it seem feel more real than when he had taken the tablets. Perhaps because a doctor had authority and taking the tablets had seemed too easy in some ways. But he felt that a doctor could not lie about such a thing as death, and the way his eyes had looked. Jinki knew it was true; the tablets had caused irreversible damage to his heart.
He had a week to live – if he survived that long. He had a week to live and he was stuck in Sunnyside. Part of him thought he should just lie there and wait to die. What else was he meant to do when he was locked up in a mental hospital? Nothing had changed for him except that he was going to die a little slower than he had wanted, but that was okay. He could deal with that, after all it was only a week. His life had only been prolonged a week, and at least he was away from his problems and troubles. He was at least in a different environment, even if it didn’t feel any different than before.
He sighed as he glanced around the room the walls were completely bare and just white, the room was devoid of anything personal. It felt like a hospital room, all stark and sanitized, no personality just white walls and everything labelled as hospital property. Being somewhere different didn’t make him view his life or the world any differently, if anything it confirmed his negative views. Everything really was so dull and lifeless, he could see that so clearly now as he looked around the room. The view out of the window was different than at home, but it made him feel the same. He could see the grey rain clouds, gathering heavily in the sky, and they still made him feel weighted down.
He lay in the hospital bed for some time, not moving nor doing anything at all, because he felt strangely numb. It was completely silent, there was no noise and he had no idea of how long he lay there for. He only moved when he heard the sound of the door. The creak as the knob was turned, and then a faint sound as the door was pushed forward. Then he moved, shifting until he was sitting upright, and he turned to stare at the opening door. He didn’t say anything as a tall boy peered around the door, and Jinki found himself staring at his face. He realised with a start that something was happening, something was changing. Until that moment he had felt like he was suspended in some time warp, where nothing would change until he died. The same cycle repeating over and over again like it had when he was at home, but something had changed. Instead of him being alone in the bleached sanitized room, someone was disturbing him. Why is he here? Why is he just standing there?
He did not feel that nervous as he stared, nor did he wonder how bad he looked considering he had been in a coma for the past two weeks. Instead he wondered why someone was standing there peering at him, when he was a lost cause, he would be dead soon. Therefore he expected all the other patients to stay away from him. Jinki expected to be left completely alone, it was what he wanted so he could not understand why this handsome looking boy was staring at him so intently. Jinki swallowed and then wondered if he was a nurse or a volunteer, and he felt like an idiot until he stared at closer at him.
His hair was unusually long, almost to his shoulders, and his eyes were a velvety dark brown, and Jinki found it hard to tear his eyes away. He decided the boy must be a fellow patient when he saw that he was wearing the same awful white pyjamas and he felt shocked to realise he was a patient. He almost wondered if he was dreaming he could not imagine someone so attractive being in a place like Sunnyside. He looked too perfect to have problems; he looked like the kind of model student that had beaten Jinki in his school. Jinki blinked slowly, studying the boy’s face, he was very attractive, but Jinki realised his eyes looked incredibly sad. They looked as sad as he felt and that was off putting to him. Jinki waited patiently, for the boy to say something, but instead he just stared at Jinki, until he felt as if he was some exotic specimen being examined under a microscope. He shifted adjusting his pyjamas making sure he was adequately covered, feeling uncomfortable as the boy continued to stare openly at him.
Several moments passed and neither boy said anything, Jinki was too shy to speak first. But after a few moments the boy walked slowly into Jinki’s room, shutting the door behind him with a soft click. Jinki sucked in a deep breath and he tried not to panic at being shut in a room with some weird (but pretty) boy, who just stared at him. He was in Sunnyside, the notorious mental hospital after all; Jinki nervously stared at the door, and then the boy, wondering if he ran for it if he could escape before the boy caught him. He swallowed seeing the boy’s long legs, and he nervously didn’t think he would make it. Jinki sucked in a deep breath, and he sat tensed until the boy walked right past him, without a glance in his direction at all.
He breathed out slowly, blinking as he watched the boy settle by the window, his back now facing Jinki. He stared at his back, shifting and sitting up higher to see what was out of the window. He frowned slightly as he saw branches and leaves, and realised there was a tree out there. Nothing very exciting, Jinki rolled his eyes and he realised that he did not feel intimidated by this boy at all. He swallowed and waited, thinking that the boy would turn and say something, anything to him. But he didn’t. Instead he continued to stare out the window, until Jinki started to feel annoyed. It felt so strange to Jinki that this weird boy had stood in his doorway for five minutes staring so intently at him, and then he acted as if he was completely invisible.
He sighed heavily, wondering why he had just walked into his room, and why he was just ignoring him and staring out of his window. The longer he sat there staring at his back the more he found his curiosity growing, and the more he wondered what was out the window. He figured there had to be something more than the tree, something else captivating this boy’s complete attention. The only thing stopping him from getting up was the fact that he had been in bed for a few weeks. He was not sure if he trusted his limbs or not, but then Jinki decided to try and get up anyways. His legs felt a bit shaky as he got up cautiously, and he slowly walked across to the window. Jinki breathed out heavily as he grasped the windowsill, and he looked down. He frowned as he saw grass, and the tree but nothing else exciting, nothing to capture anyone’s attention for that length of time.
The tree was covered in spring blossoms, the flowers were a pale muted white. He watched them float down, feeling sadness as he saw the petals fall. They were falling to their death, or more specifically falling down to rot and dissolve into the soil. Jinki blinked thinking about how he too would soon be ashes, disintegrating into nothingness too. Ashes that could be discarded and spread on the ground as easily as those pale petals. He would soon be smaller fragments than the petals; he would soon be nothing more than a pile of fine ash. He wondered if he felt sad for the loss of his own life, or if it was just because it was depressing watching those petals fall.
The ground directly under the tree was littered with them, the white petals fading from white into rotten brown. It looked quite strange though, seeing the little clumps of white petals, in varying states of decay, some of the petals looked bruised and others brown. Somehow it reminded Jinki of skin, a strange pale person’s skin, who had been beaten and bruised. He swallowed; it felt as if he was the person lying down on the ground, that the petals represented him, his body. He shook his head to clear the image from his head, and he looked further way from the tree.
The grass that the petals landed on looked a dull green, and the sky to Jinki’s eyes was a grey-blue, with dark grey clouds spread across the sky. The clouds looked like patches of darkness or depression, and he shivered staring at them, they looked they were spreading across the sky, infecting the grey-blue sky and bleeding the blue away so that the sky was left with only the menacing grey. Standing up at the window and looking out at the sky, he was reminded even more strongly of the sky when he took the tablets, when he tried to take his own life. The oppressing grey clouds, covering the sky and hiding the sun, it felt like the sky was simply reflecting how he felt, his bleak mood, and his desire to be dead.
The tree and blossoms looked so washed out and pale when Jinki looked down at them again, it felt as if their life was slowly being sucked out of them, in a similar manner to how his life was being drained away slowly. He found it hard to look at them, hard to watch the petals sink down to the ground, as if they were drowning in a sea of rotting bruised flesh. It made him feel cold as he saw them settle on the ground, and it made him feel empty. The colours looked so washed out, they looked as if they had been diluted, or were fading away into oblivion.
He turned to look at the boy, and he saw him smiling across at Jinki, his fingers splayed out on the glass, and he sighed happily as he turned to look back out the window. He looked happy standing there looking out the window, as if there was something beautiful or amazing to look at, but all Jinki saw was the decay, and the bleak dull greys. All Jinki saw and remembered was pain, and bruised flesh, and a depressing scene.
Jinki rolled his eyes, and stepped away from the window, “It’s just a tree, with blossoms. Big deal.” He rolled his eyes again as the boy frowned across at him, looking somehow disappointed. That made Jinki feel a little guilty for being so negative, but he also felt angry that the boy was just in his room, and he didn’t speak to him at all. And it was just a tree; Jinki couldn’t see anything special about it at all. He could not understand why this boy was smiling happily as he stared at the stupid tree, or why he stared at it for so long. As far as he was concerned it was a dull and depressing scene, nothing to smile or be happy about.
He sighed and walked back to his bed, climbing into it and pulling the sheets over his head. He was not in the mood to deal with some gorgeous but idiotic boy. He figured that the boy must be simple or just weird, because he was in Sunnyside, and that even if he was gorgeous, he was still weird. Seven more days and then it will all be over. Or maybe its six days? I guess yeah it must be six not seven! He smiled softly to himself, curling into his sheets. He hoped the boy would be gone by the time he woke up, he also hoped that he wouldn’t wake up again. He did not want to spend his last week in this stupid mental hospital, he just wanted to die. Nothing had changed, except his resolve to die was stronger.
Jinki was half asleep when he felt the sheet being pulled back and he groaned, wanting to tell that strange boy to just fuck off. He was surprised when he opened his eyes to see a different boy peering down at him, one with straight black hair and a beautiful face. He blinked, his lips forming an “o” as he stared up at the boy, wondering if everyone did as they pleased around here. If everyone just barged into other peoples room and rudely stared at them or pulled their sheets down. He swallowed and nervously, shifted his head away from the boy’s face which was inches away from his face. He did not like this up close scrutiny; the boy was invading his personal space.
The boy smiled down at him, and Jinki stared up at his black hair, and the way his eyes lit up as he smiled down at Jinki. He coughed lightly, feeling his heart thud painfully; he was so drop dead gorgeous, almost as attractive as that other boy. Jinki wondered for a moment if all the patients in this place were beautiful and drop dead gorgeous, except him of course. Somehow this boy made Jinki feel ashamed of how he looked, ashamed of how sleepy and crappy he must look. It was strange because with the other boy, he hadn’t even thought about it but now he kept thinking about it. He made an attempt to tug his sheet up, wanting to hide as he felt this boy staring at him.
Jinki was starting to feel like he was a freak show; would all the patients come in and stare at him but not talk? Was he that strange and weird that he had tried to kill himself? The way the other handsome boy and this one just stared at him as if he was some exotic species of animal, were they that intrigued because he was dying? Jinki felt slightly intimidated by the boy’s intense look, and he tried to hide his fear, and the longer he stared the more he worried about what this boy was going to do to him. He tugged the sheet up and made to pull it up over his head, but the boy grabbed it and stopped him.
“Oh no you don’t!” The boy mumbled and he raised one eyebrow looking down at him, “just because you ignored and hid from Minho does not mean you can ignore me.” He puffed his chest up, and Jinki just stared up at him, his expression filled with confusion. “I’m Key by the way. Well Kibum is my real name but most people call me Key!” He grinned and then sat down on the side of the bed, making himself at home. Shifting until he was comfortable, even though Jinki tensed up immediately, flinching as he saw how close Kibum was sitting to him. He hated how this boy kept invading his personal space, but Jinki felt speechless and somehow powerless as he lay there.
“And you’re Jinki. Glad to see that you finally woke up! I was starting to think you’d sleep forever!” Kibum sighed dramatically, “It was getting a bit boring for Minho and I, staring at your unconscious body.”
Jinki nodded his head slowly, taking in Kibum’s words and then he asked, “Who is Minho?” He frowned slightly, feeling like an idiot because he thought he should know. Although part of him felt angry for how this Kibum was talking to him like they were friends, like he should know all this stuff. And he didn’t, he didn’t know Kibum or even who the hell Minho was, and he just wanted to sleep or die. He did not want to talk to strange (but gorgeous) boys; he did not want to do anything. His brain hurt and he couldn’t think properly. His memory felt all rusty and strange, and he felt horrified as he realised he could not even remember his phone number, or the address of his high school.
“Minho is the boy who came in here earlier.”
Jinki’s eyes widened and he nodded his head in understanding, feeling stupid for not realising it. It was obvious after all he was the only other person he had seen except the nurse and the doctor. But after a moment Kibum’s earlier words sunk into his brain and he sat up straight and he mumbled loudly, “I didn’t ignore him.” Jinki felt angrier and he glared up at the other boy, “He ignored me!” He stated, and then crossed his arms in front of his chest, ignoring the way Kibum laughed at him hearing that.
“Minho doesn’t talk.” Kibum sighed, “He can talk, but he just doesn’t. He screams a lot, but he won’t talk to anyone. No idea why, or what causes it.” Kibum shrugged, “That doesn’t mean we can’t talk to him though.” Kibum nodded his head slowly, “And he loves this room. Even though it’s not his room, he always comes in here to look out the window. It makes him relax or feel happy, so don’t ever kick him out.” Kibum’s expression turned very serious, his eyes had this intensity to them that made Jinki nod his head without even thinking about what he was doing.
“If he doesn’t come and look out the window in here, he goes crazy and starts screaming – and that’s something you want to avoid.” Jinki frowned hearing Kibum’s words. “No one understands why or why it has to be this window but somehow it does.” He sighed heavily, “So just let him be? Please?” Jinki sighed and then nodded his head slowly, finding it hard to resist Kibum. Jinki was used to obeying people, he had it always done it, and so he found himself obeying the pretty boy. Even if none of it made any sense, but he figured this was a mental institution, he could hardly expect things to make sense. Plus Jinki figured he only had a week to live, he could put up with the crazy peoples requests.
“Okay.” Jinki sighed, biting his lip and he looked at the wall wondering what he had got himself into. He wondered if Kibum would come in everyday and start demanding that Jinki do different things, or maybe he was just being paranoid. It just seemed like something that could happen, the way he had marched in here, as if he knew Jinki. The way he was making demands that he let Minho come in his room, it made Jinki want to ask who he was to demand such a thing. But he was too cowardly to stand up for himself, to weak to go against anyone.
“So…” Kibum stared intently at him, “how does it feel to know you only have seven days left to live?” He blinked as Jinki slowly turned to look at him, and he opened his mouth to speak. But Jinki found that no sound came out, and then he gasped as in an instant he felt his great surge of pain in his chest. His eyes widened in surprise, and his lips trembled slightly as the pain intensified in a second. He groaned and clutched at his chest, his body slumping back so that he was lying down again. He screamed and grabbed at his chest, and then he started to convulse on the bed, his body shaking violently as the pain racked his body completely.
Jinki felt as if he couldn’t breathe, his lungs and heart felt like they were being crushed. The pain seemed to spread through his whole body in waves that made him shudder violently. He couldn’t control his body, he couldn’t do anything but shake as the pain intensified. His eyes were wide open with fear and pain, but he could not focus on anything at all.
Kibum’s eyes widened and he leapt up immediately, racing out of the room and screaming for the doctor. Jinki’s body felt like it was shutting down, and he wanted to scream, he wanted to scream his lungs out because the pain was so intense. But no sounds were coming out; nothing came out but a strange gurgling sound. Soon he was not aware of anything but the surges of pain gripping his body tight like a vice, he whimpered, and started to sweat as the pain seemed to increase all the time. It felt like his heart was exploding in his chest, and his limbs wouldn’t stop shaking. He cried out loudly, his eyes squeezed shut and when the pain grew to be too much he passed out.
“Lee-ssi?” Doctor Song cleared his throat, he looked at his watch, as he listened to the patients mum complain to him, before he interrupted her. “Lee-ssi, I am sorry, but it is best for your son.” He sighed and paused again, “No we can’t let you see him yet.” He swallowed and looked out of the office window, as Jinki’s mother continued to complain to him. He did not want her to come and see Jinki now that he was awake, but he had not wanted her to come when he was a coma either. He had found out the hard way that parents suffered more when they saw their children, in a coma, with tubes poking into them everywhere.
“No we can’t let him have any visitors yet, I am sorry!” He tried to sound sympathetic, even if he was not really. “I am sorry, so you’ll be on a business trip….” He paused again as she interrupted him again, sounding angry because he would not let her see her son. “Okay, well just phone us when you get back from your … business trip. And we can arrange something then.” He added smoothly, turning to look back when he saw the door open, and a nurse was running in with wide eyes. He motioned with his hand for her to get out, but the nurse looked terrified, and so he sighed softly and just nodded his head at her.
“Okay, good bye!” He hung up before she could get in another word and he sighed again heavily before he snapped harshly at the nurse, “What now?” He sighed, shaking his head as the nurse bit down into her lip; she was such a nervous fidgety nurse. He figured there was nothing wrong and that once again she was freaking out about nothing, but he figured he had to listen because it could be something serious. Once he had ignored a nervous nurse’s warning, when he was a new doctor and it had ended in disaster.
“Lee Jinki-ssi has had some sort of attack?” She wrung her hands together nervously, and he resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “I think you need to come now Doctor?” The nurse blinked, surprised at the lack of reaction from the doctor. “He… could be dying right now?” She looked horrified and worried, and he nodded his head slowly, with a neutral expression across his face. He was sure it was not that serious, that his patient was not dying. He could still remember the last time this nurse said that, and the patient had indigestion.
“Yes, yes!” He sighed irritably; Jinki’s mother had put him in a bad mood. “I’m on my way now!” The woman had harped on about how much she loved her son, and yet she had taken weeks to even realise he was in Sunnyside. He snorted softly as he got up slowly, and then she complained about how he would not let her see her son. He shook his head slowly, he could not risk letting her see Jinki, not yet anyways. She would only make the patient feel worse, he knew the type. She was the kind of mother to rant at the doctor and say how she much loved her son, but then she would just make him feel guilty and worse than he did already. Sometimes he wished they could ban visitors, at least until the patients were in a better mood. He hummed softly as he walked down the corridor after the flustered nurse.
Jinki squeezed his eyes shut, the air being knocked out of his lungs as he was slammed back against the metal lockers. The padlocks dug into his back, and he found it hard to breathe as he was tugged forward again. Hands gripped his shirt tightly, and he was slammed back into the lockers again. He couldn’t help but gasp out loudly, his breaths coming in ragged and loud, he felt dizzy and his back throbbed from being repeatedly shoved against the lockers. He didn’t need to look in a mirror to see the marks and bruises crisscrossed across his back and body.
The boy gripped his arms hard enough to leave bruises on his pale skin, and he tried to calm himself down, tried to tell himself it was okay, even if it was not. But he knew his reactions only spurred them on, and he felt dizzy as he heard the mocking laughter around him. He tried to tune out their laughs and their mocking voices, and tried to stay silent, but as soon as the fist connected with his stomach, he sagged, crying out as pain flared in his stomach, and he crumpled.
He slumped down on the floor, wincing and clutching as his stomach. His books falling everywhere around him, clattering to the ground noisily. He kept his eyes screwed shut, his hands shaking as he felt one of them kick him in the shin, sending splinters of pain down the bone. There was more laughter and he felt so sick, so dizzy as he felt more kicks, and the blows were punctuated with his gasps of pain. Each kick filling him with intense pain and loathing. Jinki’s eyes were squeezed shut and he felt tears prick from the corners of his eyes, he bit down into his lip to hold back his cries of pain. A few moments of intense agony and pain felt like hours to Jinki, and when the bell finally rang for class, the kicks faded away to the sounds of running footsteps. He sucked in a deep breath, trying not to cry as they left him alone for now. He opened his eyes and picked up his scattered books, the pages all torn, muddied and ripped. It was nothing new, but it still hurt, it still felt like the first time.
Jinki clutched as his books, and he sat on the floor for five minutes, ignoring everyone and everything around him. He figured they should be used to this scene by now, even if he wasn’t. He shook slightly and wondered for the millionth time, what he had done to deserve this? What did he do to deserve it? He swallowed as he looked down at his bruised arms, and his body throbbed with pain, he knew he should be used to it. But how could he tell his body to stop feeling pain, he could not. He should be used to being shoved against lockers, or called names or punched and kicked. But he wasn’t, and it still hurt every time.
He lowered his head down to the floor, and limped to class, biting his lip. He tried to be quiet, and ask fewer questions, but it didn’t seem to matter what he did. They always came for him, and when he least expected it; he would look up and see them. He would feel sick for a few seconds and then the pain would take over, they always came back. They always came for him, they never forgot about him ever. He could find no way to escape, no way to get away, they were always waiting for him.
idk. I don't really like this part T_T I am so sick of looking at it *weeps* D:
Anyways D: if you notice any mistakes please point them out to me? D: