Author: argh (@ onho)
Length: 5,122 words
Pairing: TofuHo (slight OnKey)
Summary: Jinki wants to die. :/ So he overdoses...
Warnings: un-betaed. Sorry for the terrible grammar and typos? :/
Dedicated to: ryukilla ♥
Previous parts: ( one | two | three )
fade out – part four
Jinki felt slightly restless as he sat on his bed, looking out the window because he had nothing better to do. Lying in his bed gave him plenty of time to think about things, and after a while that made him feel worse. Especially when he started to remember past incidents, he wished he could forget them. He knew it was impossible but he was grateful he only had a week left. It meant that he only had a week left to think about them, and then after that the memories and his life would be gone forever. It wasn’t a happy thought but it made him feel slightly relieved that it would all be over. That no one would be able to hurt him again, and he would not be stuck in that endless cycle.
Lying on his bed he also could not stop thinking about how Minho’s fingers had grazed his wrist and why he had done that. It was strange and he could not make any sense of it, or understand why it had not made him flinch. Why the touch had been okay, that was the weirdest thing to him, it somehow had been okay. He also wondered what had happened to Kibum, and he was thinking about how he had been called away when Kibum poked his head around the door again, grinning. Jinki frowned slightly as Kibum came in, glancing nervously behind him.
“Ahhh… I ran away from the doctor earlier.” Kibum rolled his eyes, “I am so sick of all the stupid counselling.” Jinki blinked as he stared across at Kibum in surprise, “I wish the doc would just get it, I was not trying to kill myself! Ugh!” He shook his head slowly, and Jinki sank back onto his bed, not sure how to reply to the other boy. “But that’s why he was yelling for me! So annoying!” He rolled his eyes.
“Oh.” Jinki answered softly, and he could see Kibum glaring across at him, looking angry as if he had expected more of a response from Jinki. But he had no idea what he was meant to say, he didn’t feel like trying to think up anything else. He felt like there was no point in getting close to either Kibum or Minho, even if he did enjoy their company. He did not want to hurt them when he died. He opened his mouth to say something else, when the door opened and a nurse came in.
“Jinki-ssi? It’s time for your painkillers.” The nurse nodded his head slowly, and when Jinki looked up, Kibum had left again. He swallowed and looked out the window as she injected him with painkillers. Everyone else had tablets, but he had injections, it seemed strange but Jinki figured he had no right to question it. But it also made sense, he figured most of the other patients were taking anti-depressants or similar medications and he had painkillers.
After the nurse left, Jinki lay on his bed, sighing softly and he wondered what to do. He felt bored and restless but he realised that he felt a little sleepy too. He was just thinking about trying to sleep when he heard the sound of the door and he looked up to see Minho coming in. Jinki blinked as he stared across at the tall, handsome boy. He shifted uncomfortably, unsure how to feel or how to act after they had been outside earlier. He figured the touch was probably meaningless but it still made him feel unsure, and nervous.
Minho smiled across at him, and then he walked over to the window, leaning against the ledge and staring down. Jinki swallowed and blinked, Minho’s smile had been so bright and happy, and he realised it made him feel happier. His smile also made him feel less awkward; it somehow reassured him that Minho was not going to take advantage of him. Jinki swung his legs over the edge of the bed, and he stood up, walking slowly over to the windowsill, his fingers tapping against the wood lightly.
He looked down, studying the tree and the way it spread its branches up and out into the sky. He blinked and he looked up, feeling surprised as he saw the milky blue sky, and the fluffy white clouds. He sighed as he gazed up at the blue sky, noting how pure and untainted it looked. He wondered if after he died he would remember anything at all or if everything from his memories would be gone. In some ways he thought it would be a relief if it was all gone, but then he realised that there were a few precious memories he wanted to keep. However, Jinki felt like he had no choice in the matter, his memories would be gone and there was nothing he could do about it anyways.
Jinki looked down at the tree again, blinking as he watched the branches sway slightly in the wind, they reminded him of arms gently waving or swaying to a song. He found that he was smiling slightly as he watched the petals float down from the branches, and they swirled and turned in the breeze. When he turned to look at the taller boy, he was surprised to see that Minho was staring intently at him, watching him and not the tree. That surprised him; he expected to see Minho’s eyes glued to the scene out the window, not watching him.
He pressed a hand to the glass, his palm flat against the glass and he turned to say something to Minho, but the words died in his throat. It felt like forever to him, but in reality it was seconds, and he found himself doubled over, falling forwards. And the pain, it felt like being repeatedly shot through the heart with an arrow, he found it hard to breathe. He found it hard to do anything, his brain and heart felt like they were imploding with the agonising pain. The pain seemed to crash around him, and he wasn’t sure if he screamed or not, he was aware of hands touching him and helping him and then everything went black.
Minho’s eyes widened as he watched Jinki clutch at his chest, his eyes filled with pain and he moaned sounding like he was being stabbed. Minho reached for him; his fingers grabbed Jinki’s shoulders, trying to hold him up. But Jinki’s eyes rolled back in his head and then he was limp in Minho’s hands, like a rag doll, slumped against the windowsill. Gently Minho helped him to the floor, feeling so terrified and unsure of what he was doing. Seeing the older boy like this terrified him, he was so lifeless and limp, and Minho shivered, wishing someone else was there.
Jinki’s eyes were shut, and carefully Minho stroked his cheek, wondering if he should move him or leave him and go and get the doctor or a nurse. He bit his lip and he wasn’t sure why he did it, but seeing the way Jinki’s unconscious face looked, he looked like he was suffering. He found himself leaning forward and he pressed his lips to the boy’s forehead, feeling something flutter in his chest. It was such a simple gesture, but it somehow felt like it would soothe the older boy, even if Minho knew it was probably just making him feel better.
His skin was so warm, and Minho felt bad because when he pulled away Jinki slumped down, almost falling to the floor in a heap. But Minho reached for him quickly; his heart pounding and he wanted to scream because he didn’t know what he was meant to do, how he was meant to help. Should he move him or leave him where he was, he had absolutely no idea but he knew he had to work it out fast. He decided to carry Jinki to his bed and then go for help, but just as he reached down to pick the boy his body started to shake violently.
Minho bit his lip, and he went to mouth words to calm himself down, but he froze when he realised that sounds were coming out. “Shhh… it’s okay, it’s okay…” He blinked, and the words sounded strange to his ears, his voice was so rough and hoarse. His hands shook as he managed to get his arms around Jinki’s torso, his mind going at a million miles an hour. If Jinki was not lying shaking in his arms as he half dragged, half carried him over to the bed, he knew he would be thinking about the fact that he had spoken. Every other time he had tried there had been nothing but silence, or strange gasping sounds, that frustrated him. But when he looked down at Jinki’s body, contorting and shaking on the bed, and his pain filled expression, the fact that he had spoken no longer seemed important.
It scared him the way that Jinki’s body was shuddering so violently, and he clutched at the boys wrists, trying to hold him still. Minho draped himself over Jinki, pressing his body over the other boy’s to try and just hold him still. His eyes filled with worry, and then Jinki was lying so still, so he stood up again glancing down nervously. Minho found that he was even more scared, his fingers reaching for Jinki’s wrist. He turned the limp limb over, his fingers desperately trying to find a pulse. His heart was racing as he pressed his fingers to the pale skin, shaking slightly as he waited to feel a pulse and at first he couldn’t find it.
He sucked in a deep breath when he found Jinki’s pulse, and he shut his eyes, sinking down into the chair next to the bed. He left his fingers pressed to Jinki’s wrist, and he felt relieved and almost happy that he was still alive. He was trying not to think too much, about why he acted the way he did. But when he looked down at Jinki’s sleeping face, he swallowed realising that Jinki reminded him of Taemin. Taemin, who he failed to protect, and he swallowed a lump in his throat. He stared down at Jinki; they both had that innocent naïve look to them, although Jinki looked sadder than Taemin. But there was still something similar in the two boys, and he now thought he understood.
Jinki shuddered slightly as he opened his eyes and he blinked a few times staring up into Kibum’s face. He looked like he had been crying, his eyes were red rimmed and swollen looking. Jinki found that Kibum was holding his hand again, squeezing it tightly, and when he looked to the other side of his bed he saw Minho pacing beside his bed. As soon as Minho realised he was awake he was right by Jinki’s side, his face filled with concern and worry. Jinki wiggled his hand trying to free it from Kibum’s hold, he didn’t like his hand being held, but his grip was too tight.
Minho frowned and looked upset, and he fidgeted before he pointed across at Kibum, and Jinki turned to look back at Kibum, wondering why Minho was pointing at him. Jinki felt his heart thump painfully in his chest; it felt funny to have these people caring about him. It made him feel giddy and happy but he knew that didn’t change the fact that he would be dead in five days. So he figured it would be best if didn’t let them get attached to him, and he couldn’t like or care for them either. And he had to make sure they didn’t like him either, although he was sure it was impossible for anyone to like him.
“I think Minho wanted me to say that he was relieved that I came in when I did?” Kibum sniffed and nodded his head, “Yeah it’s just as well I did come to see you then, I went and got the doctor again.” He nodded his head looking sadly down at Jinki. He dropped Jinki’s hand and looked across at Minho, and Jinki felt confused. He didn’t remember being in his bed and he wondered how he got into his bed. He remembered being by the windowsill with Minho next to him.
“It’s just as well hyung that I’m around, because I’m always here to save you when you have those attacks!” Kibum nodded his head and looked proudly across at Jinki.
Jinki also wondered how Kibum always seemed to speak for Minho; it was like he was psychic or something. He frowned across at Kibum, and for a second he wondered what he was missing between the two of them. He wanted to ask Kibum about it and why he was always there in his room, helping him. Jinki was starting to think there was an ulterior motive or something. He didn’t like the sound of that, but it was strange, he could not think of why they were both always there.
He frowned and wanted to ask Kibum about it but the door opened and he saw the doctor walk into the room again, smiling across at him. Kibum looked down at Jinki and he smiled before he left the room quickly. Jinki frowned wondering why he had left like that, it seemed strange how he had left as soon as the doctor came but he could see Minho was still hovering on the other side of the bed.
“Jinki-ssi, I wanted to have a little chat to you.” Doctor Song smiled down at him, sitting down in the chair Kibum had just been occupying. He held his clipboard up, and Jinki watched him write something down on the paper, and he figured it was probably the date or his name or both. He looked up and smiled across at Minho but didn’t say anything about him being there. Jinki wondered if because Minho didn’t talk it made people look past him, and treat him as if he did not count. He frowned and hoped not because that just seemed wrong, from what he had seen Minho seemed pretty normal, and he felt like it was wrong to ignore him.
“Okay.” Jinki nodded his head slowly when he realised that the doctor had been waiting for him to reply. He nervously wrung his hands together and pulled the sheet up higher above his chest. He felt slightly annoyed the doctor had come then because he wanted to get up and stretch his legs. All he seemed to be doing was lying in bed. His legs felt twitchy and even though he had nowhere to go and nothing to do, he still felt like it would be nice to stretch his legs. He worried that in a few days he would not be able to do that, because everyday he felt a little weaker than the day before.
“Can you tell me why you wanted to kill yourself?” Jinki swallowed and he felt the colour drain from his face, he wanted to groan and tell the doctor to fuck off. He could see no reason for telling the doctor why he did that, he was going to be dead soon, did it really matter? He sighed deeply and practically glared across at him, “Jinki-ssi? Do you know why you tried to kill yourself?” The doctor repeated, and Jinki sighed, thinking deeply about what he was going to say. He really didn’t feel like answering his question, and then it dawned on him. It didn’t matter what this smiling gorgeous doctor thought anyways because he was going to be dead soon. He could just not answer him; he could be defiant for once in his life. Jinki felt proud for once in his life for being defiant and ignoring the doctor’s questions.
Jinki lifted his head, his lower lip trembling slightly, “I do, but I don’t want to tell you.” He crossed his arms in front of his chest, “And I don’t see why I have to. I’m going to die anyways.” He shrugged, his heart pounding he was never this rebellious and he almost felt guilty for acting this way. But at the same time he felt proud that he was standing up to him. The doctor blinked across at him, looking slightly shocked. Jinki didn’t want to see Minho’s expression either, he had a feeling he wouldn’t approve of his actions.
“Would you tell me if Minho-ssi left the room?”
Stubbornly Jinki shook his head, “No. I just don’t want to talk about it.” He sighed and looked down at the sheets on his bed, wondering why the doctor was even bothering. Jinki failed to see the point, he was going to be dead soon, nothing was going to change that. He swallowed and then looked up and asked, “Has… my mum contacted you guys yet?” He asked feeling slightly anxious but at the same time he felt like this confirmed what he always thought – that his mother had never cared for him at all.
“If you won’t answer my questions, I won’t answer yours.” The doctor looked serious, and Jinki sucked in a deep breath feeling irritated. It didn’t help that the doctor was so young and attractive looking. He sighed and then decided that his plan was not working very well. He sat there glowering for a moment wondering what he should do when he felt Minho touching his arm lightly. His fingers pressing gently down against his arm, and Jinki felt surprised because the touch didn’t make him flinch.
He looked up to see Minho frowning down at him, and something about his expression made Jinki feel like he was disappointed with him. Something about the way his eyes looked so sad, and his mouth was set in a straight line, made Jinki think of disappointment, part of him thought it was ridiculous and he wondered if he was overreacting. Minho lifted his hand, and Jinki felt the loss of the warmth of his fingers, it was strange, how that touch had been okay. He hadn’t flinched from it, and that made him stop and think. He looked up again at Minho’s face seeing how disappointed he looked, and he looked down at his arm where his fingers had rested. He swallowed deeply, and he wondered why it mattered so much, what Minho thought. But he sighed and rolled his eyes and turned back to look at the doctor.
“Fine.” He snapped, “Fine.” And he sighed again; missing the smile the doctor shot Minho. “I tried to kill myself, because I was sick of living?” He bit down into his lip thinking about it seriously, “I guess I was just sick of everything being so dull and grey. And sick of being lonely.” He swallowed and strangely he felt his eyes water as he thought about his life before the hospital. He could remember the monotonous boring life he had home, on his own most of the time, his school days filled with learning new things and torment, torture. He shuddered slightly, feeling relieved he was going to die and not have to go back to that horrible world, his former life.
“Okay.” The doctor mumbled, writing it down quickly, “So you were depressed?” He asked, and Jinki frowned across at him before shaking his head quickly. He didn’t think he was depressed, he just felt like life was pointless, and that there was no colour or anything that interested. It seemed to him like a never ending cycle of repeated actions and pain. He felt like nothing would ever change, when he finished school he had this feeling that the torture would just continue. The doctor sighed and looked across at him, “Did nothing interest you anymore?” Jinki slowly nodded his head, “And you said everything was dull and colourless?” Jinki nodded his head again.
“You were depressed.” He nodded his head slowly, “And school? How was school going for you? I know it was a break, but school does start up again soon. So how was school going for you?” The doctor leaned in close, and Jinki noticed that he actually looked as if he cared. As if he was concerned and really wanted to know how Jinki felt.
Jinki sucked in a deep breath, “I hated it. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t mind the classes it was just the other students.” He nodded his head slowly, “It was awful.” He shuddered slightly, and unconsciously clutched at his stomach. Even talking about it made him remember; made him think of all the times he was punched and kicked. He didn’t see the way Minho stared down at him, looking worried as he clutched at his stomach
“Were you bullied?”
Jinki opened his mouth to protest and ask how he knew, but then he looked down and he could see the fading bruises on his arms. They were very faint but he figured the doctor hadn’t missed them, so he nodded his head slowly. They would have been more visible when he was brought in, and even now he could see them, if they had faded. He could still see the ugly mottled marks covering his pale skin. He felt his eyes watering again, and he shut them quickly, feeling embarrassed but also feeling this sense of dread filling his chest.
“Okay, that’s enough for now.” The doctor patted his shoulder warmly, and when Jinki opened his watery eyes he smiled down at him. “You’re not going to be bullied anymore.” He patted his shoulder again and left the room. Jinki squirmed in the bed feeling Minho scrutinise him and then he got up slowly, climbing out of the bed. He was so eager to get out of it that he stumbled, and he laughed nervously as he collapsed against Minho’s chest. He wondered how he managed to fall against the taller boy, and he squirmed, feeling his arms wrap around his torso for an instant and then he pulled back. Minho’s hands light against his arms as he steadied him.
“Thanks.” Jinki mumbled feeling embarrassed. “You know why I tried to kill myself, you should tell me some day why you tried to kill yourself.” He nodded his head slowly, and Minho nodded his head back at him. Making Jinki grin and he wondered if Kibum would come back later and tell him about Minho. He grinned deciding that it would probably happen just like that. The thought made him want to laugh, and he could see Minho staring across at him wondering what was so funny.
Jinki groaned as he felt hands tugging the sheets back, he twisted his body around and tried to tug them back again. He had been having another nap, because he seemed to be tired all the time. But the hands were persistent in their prodding and tugging, and finally he stopped struggling and then he rolled onto his back. He rubbed at his eyes, before he opened them slowly to see Kibum beaming down at him.
“Hyung!” Kibum frowned, “You shouldn’t do that!” He scolded the other boy, and Jinki just blinked and frowned up at him, before he started to rub at his eyes again. He yawned and rubbed at his eyes harder, trying to wake up.
“That!” Kibum pointed, “You shouldn’t rub your eyes like that, you’ll get wrinkles! When you’re ol-…” He stopped mid sentence and gasped, covering his mouth with his hand. Jinki frowned and just stared up at Kibum, surprised, “Oh shit, sorry… hyung I uh forgot?” Kibum apologised and he was surprised when Jinki suddenly smiled up at him. “Hyung, I’m really sorry!” Kibum added again, opening his eyes wide and blinking them rapidly as he glanced down at the older boy.
He paled when Jinki burst into laughter, and he looked across at Minho, who also looked stunned and shocked too. Jinki continued to laugh, as if the fact that Kibum forgot that he was going to be dead in a few days was the funniest joke he had ever heard. Neither Minho nor Kibum thought it was funny, but watching Jinki laugh softly, made them realise that they wanted to laugh. Not because Jinki would be dead soon, but because watching Jinki laugh like that, made them both feel genuinely happy. The sound of his laughter was like music to Minho’s ears, and when Kibum turned to look at him he was beaming down at Jinki.
“Oh god.” Jinki panted softly when he stopped laughing, lying there and glancing up at the ceiling, “Sorry… it just seemed funny? How you… forgot that I was going to die soon?” He shrugged his shoulders casually, and then sat up, staring at the stunned expressions of Kibum and Minho. They both looked gob smacked and Kibum blinked his eyes looking confused before he turned to look at Minho. Jinki smirked, he suddenly had an idea, and he grabbed the pillow behind him and slammed it into Kibum’s face, surprising him completely. Jinki laughed and turned to look at Minho seeing that the taller boy was grinning and struggling not to laugh.
Kibum sputtered slightly as he pushed the pillow away from his face and frowned down at Jinki not looking amused, his hair was messed up now. Jinki found he wanted to laugh more as he saw the other boy trying to straighten his hair up. Kibum’s frown intensified and then he marched off, and slammed the door behind him. Jinki blinked in surprise and then he turned to look at Minho, who had started to laugh softly. Jinki felt all funny and he realised it had been the first time in a while that he had laughed, but it felt so good.
Jinki’s smile widened as he heard the soft breathy sounds coming from the taller boy, and it only took a matter of seconds before he was laughing too. Jinki’s eyes squeezing shut, and he just let the laughs roll out of him, it felt strange to him to be laughing. He didn’t laugh that much, but somehow he had found Kibum’s words funny. Jinki wiped at the tears, from laughing too much and when he felt a weight press down on the bed, he turned and was surprised to see Minho half slumped on his bed.
He shifted over, patting the space beside him so Minho could sit beside him on the bed. Minho looked surprised, and he wriggled his eyebrows, as if to ask if it was ok. Jinki giggled and then nodded his head, smiling and wondering why he was so amused. Why he wanted to laugh that day, and he wondered if somehow talking with the doctor had put him in a better mood? If talking about his problems had somehow lightened his soul or psyche.
He sucked in a deep breath as Minho settled next to him, and he felt strange as he realised that he was lying in bed, in his pyjamas. And that there was Minho, sitting next to him, in his pyjamas, and suddenly he felt very awkward and undressed as he felt the slight warmth radiating from Minho’s thigh. He glanced down at the long slim legs, so close to his own. He gulped and then looked up, smiling slightly when he saw Minho was studying his face intently, and he was smiling too. Jinki wished at that moment that Minho could talk, that he could speak, he really wanted to hear his voice. His laugh had sounded so rich, and gentle and it made Jinki realise just how much he longed to hear Minho’s voice, he was sure it would be beautiful.
He sighed and then looked down at his hands resting on his lap, now that they had stopped laughing it seemed ridiculous. Why did he think it was so funny? Death was not something to laugh about, and he wondered what had possessed him to throw the pillow in Kibum’s face. He shook his head slowly, and sighed again louder, and then Minho touched his shoulder lighter. Jinki turned to look at Minho, and he blinked when he saw him leaning in close, his fingers stretched out as if he meant to touch Jinki.
Jinki gulped when Minho’s index finger pressed to his lip, and when he looked into his eyes he saw so much frustration in his gaze. He kept this finger pressed to his lip only for a few second before he tugged his hand away, and then he dropped his gaze down. Jinki watched him touch his own lips, and he wondered if Minho wished he could talk too. He wished he could do something, or that his death could somehow give Minho back his voice.
“Minho.” Jinki pouted, “I wish… you could talk.” He sighed and then shook his head, “Do you wish that too?” He asked cocking his head to one side, and he smiled when the other boy immediately nodded his head. “One day… Minho… I want you to tell me why you’re here. I want to hear it from your lips. I want to hear your voice before I die.” Jinki paused when he saw Minho’s troubled expression, “Don’t… look at me like that? I know… I’ll be dead before you talk again, but I can pretend.” He shrugged his shoulders and smiled even though Minho looked troubled.
Jinki sucked in another deep breath, feeling his heart pounding strangely as he felt Minho’s fingers press to his wrist. He didn’t look down but he felt his fingertips circle his wrist but then the touch was gone and Jinki was left wondering if he had imagined it. He shook his head and then laughed softly, wondering why he was letting himself get so attached to this tall mute boy. He grinned as he saw Minho blinking down at him, looking confused again.
“Don’t worry?” Jinki smiled and nodded his head, feeling that strange thump in his chest again, as Minho beamed down at him. He decided that strange beating of his heart, and the weird jittery feelings he got in the pit of his stomach were related to him dying. He nodded his head; it was the only thing he could think of to explain the weird sensations he was feeling. He lay back on the bed, and smiled as he felt Minho’s leg brush against his, and he felt strangely content. He hoped that they could lie there for a long time, because it felt so good and so peaceful.
IDK? OKAY sorry for all the mistakes? And the ending part was only added recently~ it was my
And I'm sorry for the general crappiness of this part :/ I'm really not happy with it but I felt like if I didn't post it tonight I would not have time later to post it! D: So yeah if you notice lots of mistakes and errors please point them out? And please accept my apologies for the crappiness. :/
(and eijifujiryoma & ryukilla I love you guys~ and I hope that both of you are feeling better! ♥♥♥)