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fade out - 6/12

Title: fade out - part six (06/12)
Author: argh (@ onho)
Rating: R? D:?
Length: 6,394 words
Pairing: TofuHo (slight OnKey)
Summary: Jinki wants to die. :/ So he overdoses...
Warnings: un-betaed. Sorry for the terrible grammar and typos? :/ I also kind of hate this part too. If there is anything really wrong with it please tell me? I am so tired right now I can't even make sense of anything ;_;.
Dedication: ryukilla

Previous parts: ( one | two | three | four | five )


fade out – part six

TofuHo

***

Jinki sighed as the nurse helped him back into his bed, he felt so pathetic, so dirty and disgusting. He wanted to apologise to the nurse because she had had to touch him and he was tainted. He wished he could scrub all the dirt, all the pain away; but he knew it was impossible as he slid under the covers feeling so sick. He shuddered as he tried to push back the memories, but now they kept coming to the surface, like dead fish floating to the surface. He had been so good pushing the memories down and pretending it had never happened, but Kibum’s actions from the night before made it impossible for him to do that anymore.

Now, he was aware of them just under the surface, like bubbles threatening to burst up and overwhelm him. He shivered as he tried so hard not to think about it. But lying there, he found that he could think of little else, it didn’t help that lying in bed made him think of the night before. He shivered and tried to think of something happy, but there was nothing happy he could remember. Instead images of Jungmin bending him over and dry thrusting against him filled his head. He bit down into his lip and shivered as he remembered how Jungmin had turned him around and came all over his face. He shivered, no! No! I have to… stop thinking about this! Oh god, I think I’m going to be sick. How… can I remember this? I have to forget it all, I can’t remember any of it or think about it.

He dry retched as he lay there, shivering constantly, as images flashed through his mind. All the times that Jungmin’s hands had touched him, had violated him. They were images that haunted and terrified him, but now he felt like he could not escape from them. It felt as if it was happening all over again, and as he lay there he felt as if he was suspended in a nightmare. He shivered and eventually worked himself into a state where he was half asleep. But even there he could not escape; he could not escape from the memories that seemed to be ambushing him.

*

”Hey, I told you to fucking come here!” Jungmin snarled and he yanked Jinki closer, “You fucking slut.” He whispered as he pushed Jinki back against the stall wall, his hands roughly holding Jinki still. Nails digging into his tender flesh and his dirty fingertips touching Jinki’s bruised skin, making him want to be sick. With one arm across his chest, he started to undo his jeans one handed, and Jinki wriggled doing anything to stop him.

He knew it was a bad idea to come to school but Jinki couldn’t skip the test in maths or even skip class. But he suddenly wished he had, that he had skipped class, as he felt Jungmin’s fingers prodding him in the crotch, and the arm against his chest felt like a crowbar. He was too weak to even move it an inch; he was too weak compared to the soccer captain. But he still tried; valiantly he tried to get him off, his face going red as he struggled with the bigger boy.

“Hey!” Jungmin finally snapped when Jinki refused to stay still and he punched him in the face, a sickening crack filled his ears and then everything went black. When he finally regained consciousness, he realised he was lying on the floor, his jeans pooled around his ankles, his head right next to the toilet. Jinki gasped and he tried to sit up, but he felt so dizzy and then Jungmin was leering and leaning over him, holding him down, forcefully. His hands clutching at his bare hipbones, the touches making his skin crawl and he wished he could just black out, or that someone, anyone would rescue him. Jinki’s eyes widened as he saw that Jungmin’s pants were missing too, his vile erection hovering over his lower body. Suddenly Jinki understood, and his heart began to race and he felt so terrified.

“No!” Jinki shouted trembling, his whole body starting to shake as the older boy held him down, gripping his arms painfully. “No, please, don’t?” He shouted, and felt tears fill his eyes as he ignored him. He hoped that someone would hear him; surely someone could hear him shouting. “Please?” He begged and struggled so violently that in the end Jungmin slapped him again, and then he turned him over. His hands touching Jinki everywhere he wanted, and so roughly. Jinki felt like a piece of meat, being shoved around roughly, Jungmin only wanted one thing – something to fuck. Something broken for him to destroy even more, and someone that would not be brave enough to tell anyone what was going on. Not that anyone would believe him if he did, the captain of the soccer team, he was their golden boy.

Jinki couldn’t stop crying, and he felt like he was going to be sick when he felt the older boy’s erection press against his ass. He wriggled so much, feeling so sick, and disgusting, but it just made Jungmin hold him tighter, sharp nails scoring his abused flesh and suddenly Jinki realised he was completely powerless. There was nothing he could do to stop it from happening, and even if he told anyone no one would listen to him. He cried, and stopped struggling, biting down into his lip, expecting pain but then instead he heard a bang on the door. Jinki swallowed and his heart pounded so fast, he wondered if he was going to escape in one piece.

And to his surprise Jungmin moved, he opened his eyes, still shaking and he realised that he was talking to someone softly through the door. He heard Jungmin sigh and then he heard the sound of the fire alarm, his eyes going wide as he watched Jungmin run out of the bathroom half dressed. Jinki felt so sick and weak and he sniffed as he heard the loud siren of the fire alarm. He hoped like mad that there was not really a fire, he shuddered as he slowly started to dress. He grabbed his white shirt, and then realised it was the other boys, and he threw it over by the door, crawling over to grab his shirt. He gulped as he heard footsteps and he looked up to see Jungmin breathing heavily and grabbing his shirt.

“Hey, don’t think you can fucking escape! I’ll be back to finish this later, you little fucking slut!” Jinki’s fingers froze on his buttons, and he studied the floor intently until he heard the other boy leaving again.
Jinki shivered and he struggled to put the rest of his clothes back on, getting more scared as he heard the fire siren going off, he was not going to make it. He swallowed and then realised he felt slightly relieved, it would be so much better if there was a fire and he died in it. He stopped trying to dress and slumped down on the bathroom floor, waiting, waiting to die.


*

Jinki gasped as he woke up and breathing heavily, he remembered how he had felt that day. How disappointed he had been when he realised there was no fire, it was just a practice. He sighed and shivered slightly, and it shocked him to realise that so much had changed then, yet so much was the same. Until last night he had actually started feeling good about things, and he realised he had felt happy. But now he realised that even though the bullies and Jungmin were not even here he still could not escape. Now he had Kibum wanting the same thing, he swallowed and lay there thinking about how he should tell the doctor. But then he swallowed because then he realised it would mean he had to tell him everything. He shuddered and lay with the sheets over his head, there was no way he wanted to bring it all up.

He pushed back the covers and sighed deeply, wondering if he should get up and look out the window. He was just starting to get out of his bed when the door opened and he froze. Jinki swallowed and then frowned as he saw Minho standing there, looking in; he looked very sombre and serious. Jinki sucked in a deep breath and climbed back onto his bed, pulling the sheets up to hide under. Why is he here? He won’t do anything will he?

Jinki watched nervously as Minho pushed the door open and he walked in, he walked over to the bed and sat down in the seat Kibum usually sat in. His expression was filled with sorrow and he held out a single sheet of paper, ripped unevenly down one side. He leaned forward and held it out to Jinki, his eyes begging the older boy to take it. Jinki stared nervously at him, his face looked different, and Minho looked incredibly sad and upset. He sighed and took the sheet of paper, placing it down on his body and he looked down at it and the blankets covering him.

“Why are you here?” Jinki frowned, turning to look back at Minho again, “Can you… please leave?” He tried to sound cold, but his voice quivered with every word making him feel pathetic and weak. Part of him was sure Minho would just ignore his words and stay, because no one ever listened to him, Jinki felt relieved and surprised (but his chest ached strangely) when Minho sadly nodded his head and then he got up and left the room. He turned back to look at Jinki, pointing down at the paper before the door shut with a soft click behind him.

Once he was gone Jinki, picked up the paper and turned it over, wondering what was written on it. Jinki-hyung, I don’t know what I’ve done to make you angry at me or hate me? But I guess that’s not important, if you want to hate me, it’s okay. I’m just so worried about you! I know you’re dying, but it hurts to see you so weak, and miserable. Are you feeling really ill today, hyung? You seem so sick and weak, and I just want to help you, I want to help you anyway I can. Please just let me help you even if you hate me?

I really can’t bear the thought of you dying hyung; I just can’t get my head around it. I know it’s crazy that I’ve known you for such a short time, but somehow you’ve come to mean so much to me. I’m sorry I hope these words won’t scare you? But I really hope that you can be happy in these last few days, that you’ll let me help you? And that you’ll be okay, I’m sorry I just can’t stop worrying about you. So please hyung, rest and be okay? I just want you to be happy, I just want you to enjoy these last few days. I really do care about you.


Jinki was not sure how to feel after he read Minho’s note, his chest seemed to be clenching strangely. He sighed and lay there, holding the paper gently in his hand. He picked it up and read it through again, and he swallowed realising that he did not want to believe that Minho was involved. Suddenly it seemed like a crazy idea to think that the two were working together. But he still felt a little uncomfortable and he was not sure what to do. He felt so confused by everything, and was not sure what to think about anything.

He realised that he hoped that Minho was being honest in his note, and he bit down into his lip, wishing that the taller boy was there. Because somehow he always made him feel safe, it didn’t make sense. Even that morning he had felt better when Minho was there, even if he had felt scared and insecure at the same time. It made absolutely no sense to him, but somehow Minho was comforting. He sighed and then got up slowly, and he left his room walking slowly to the cafeteria for lunch. It was worrying how weak he felt, and how his heart seemed to beat so strangely. He seemed to be aware of it all the time, he hated it, and he hated being aware of it all the time.

Jinki looked around nervously and felt relieved when he saw no sign of Kibum, and his feet took him over to the one table where Minho was sitting by himself. Jinki felt slightly guilty when he saw how worried the other boy looked, but he kept his distance, as if he thought that Jinki really hated him. Minho smiled across at Jinki, and he shifted in his seat before he looked down at his food again. Jinki sighed and then he pouted down at his food and managed a few mouthfuls, not looking up anymore. He didn’t want to see Minho’s sad expression, so he missed the way Minho watched him, the way he kept looking across at Jinki looking so worried and upset.

After he finished eating he looked up and Minho was looking down at the table top, and Jinki somehow felt guilty. “Minho.” He bit down into his lip, “I’m sorry?” He whispered, and he stood up quickly as Minho looked up at him, he looked almost hopeful. Jinki froze when Minho reached across and grabbed his wrist, his fingers skimming over the skin slightly. Jinki coughed feeling awkward and then he just jerked his hand away and left the room quickly.

*

Jinki felt so confused as he lay in his bed again, the sheets and covers over his head. He could not understand why he had said sorry to Minho. He knew it was partly because of how he had treated him, but at the same time he felt like he should not have to apologise. He sighed and touched his wrist, blinking as he thought about how he had gripped his wrist. He could never understand why it was okay when Minho touched him. Kibum was always grabbing his hand, but it was not the same, because he always wanted to push Kibum away. But with Minho when he stopped touching him he felt almost sad at the loss of the touch. It was just weird; he sighed and tried to make sense of it. For the first time in hours he was distracted and no longer thinking about Jungmin or Kibum and what they had done to him.

After half an hour of lying there, and thinking, Jinki threw back the covers, sighing heavily in frustration and he was astonished to see that Minho was sitting by his bed quietly. He hadn’t made a noise as he entered and Jinki had been sure he that he was alone. He opened his mouth to tell him to leave, because he felt so confused and he wanted to think. But Minho held up a hand to silence him, and then he stood up and he came up close to Jinki’s bed. Jinki just swallowed and lay there, wondering what Minho wanted, and why he had just there so silently without disturbing him.

“Y-you...”

Jinki’s eyes widened and his jaw dropped as he realised that Minho was actually speaking, he could see the taller boy shaking slightly, and his voice was all hoarse and rough. His voice was so low and Jinki found it was hard to understand him. The fact that Minho was trying to speak distracted him and for a moment he did not even think about anything else. Jinki found himself nodding up at Minho and waited patiently and feeling amazed that he had spoken. It took Minho trying to say one word to make his anger and fear fade completely.

“Wh-what’s wrong… with you?” Minho spoke so slowly, but with every word his voice became a little clearer and Jinki felt a lump in his throat. Suddenly he felt like he was wrong to ever think Minho was in it with Kibum, he could not think that way about Minho. He had always made Jinki feel safe, like no one could hurt him. Looking at the expression in his eyes he knew that he was not going to hurt him. He felt guilty for how he had treated him outside, but he felt worse as he saw how much effort it took for Minho to speak.

“Hyu-“ Minho looked so frustrated and rubbed at his throat, as he tried to speak, “Hyung.” Minho coughed and Jinki felt even worse, he had been so rude and rough. Minho had done nothing but be sweet to him, he realised, and he was always there by his side. He frowned feeling weird, but as he looked up at Minho’s frustrated expression and how hard he was trying to talk, Jinki realised that he itched to touch Minho’s hand and somehow comfort him, he couldn’t understand why but he had this sense he wanted to. “You look… sick today.” Minho nodded his head and rubbed at his throat again.

“ I’m … sorry I didn’t want to leave you alone. I-I hope…” Jinki listened to Minho’s voice, it was raspy and rough but somehow he thought it was incredibly beautiful. He watched as Minho looked up at the ceiling before he looked down at him again, “my … note was… okay? Not… too w-weird?” Minho whispered and the words seemed to be coming a little easier now. “I-I just… wanted…” He paused again, breathing heavily, “comfort you? It-it hurts… to see you… so upset.” Minho looked so solemn and sad, and also so genuinely confused, Jinki was sure he had absolutely no idea about what had happened the night before.

“You… you can talk?” Jinki stared up in amazement, feeling astonished and surprised. Minho shyly nodded his head, and smiled down at him, and Jinki swallowed, feeling so strange. He felt like he should be happy, but at the same time he just felt so confused by all the conflicting feelings swirling around inside him. Part of him wanted to be angry at Minho, but part of him couldn’t help but feel happy that he heard Minho speak. He wanted to lie there and listen to Minho’s voice, even if it was rough it sounded so lovely to his ears. But part of him, felt like pushing Minho away because he felt so tainted and disgusting, he didn’t deserve such sweetness.

“Hyung, what’s wrong?” Minho asked a moment later, his eyes looked all watery as if he had been crying or was about to and Jinki shifted. How could he tell Minho how disgusting he was? How could he tell him how tainted and sick he was? He still felt sick and he shivered slightly as he lay there trying to think about what he could say. He sighed and looked over at the window, at the cherry blossoms decorating the tree, remembering how tenderly Minho had helped him catch the petals. How his hand had felt against his own, and the way he had looked and smiled. Jinki swallowed and he felt guilty for lying, but how could he tell him the truth, it was too raw, too fresh.

“I-I couldn’t sleep last night.” Jinki mumbled, that was partly true, he was not going to say why. “I’m just tired.” He added a moment later, hoping that he would buy it. He couldn’t talk about it, not yet anyways, he was not ready. He tried to shrug casually, tried to smile but he was sure it was more of a grimace than a smile.

“But-but… something … else is troubling you?” Minho bit down into his lip, and he looked so pained and Jinki was reminded again of how much effort it took him to speak. He felt slightly guilty but he knew he could not tell him. He did not want to tell anyone, because it was something he wanted to bury forever in his soul.

“No.” Jinki replied firmly, “I’m just tired and feeling weak.” He sighed and nodded his head, “there is nothing else.” He tried to smile but failed again, and he stiffened slightly as Minho touched his shoulder, and even though it made him tense he realised that the touch didn’t feel threatening. He hated his shoulders being touched, that was where Jungmin’s hands had often landed.

“Hyung.” Minho whispered, his voice was still so hoarse sounding, “I won’t… hurt you.” Minho nodded his head slowly, “it-it hurts.” He paused and swallowed, “when you… flinch.” He shook his head, and then sighed before he tugged out his notebook. It was too hard to talk so slowly, each word coming out so painfully slow. Jinki frowned as Minho started to write his hand flying so fast across the page.

Hyung, I promise I won’t hurt you? I know… you were bullied at school? My best friend… was bullied too. He was beaten up so many times, and hurt and people tried to do other things to him too. So hyung, I’m not going to hurt you, please don’t be scared of me. I could never hurt anyone after I saw what was done to him, please believe me? It hurt so much the way you flinched away from me earlier. I would never do anything to hurt you. Minho nodded his head slowly, when Jinki looked up from the notebook.

“Oh.” He whispered and then just shivered; he had no idea what he was meant to say now. “Okay, I’m sorry for your friend? But I’m really okay; I just… had a bad night last night.” Jinki felt like he was skating on thin ice, he was worried Minho would ask him directly because he knew he would not be able to lie if he did. He nodded his head, and managed a weak smile, “thank you Minho?” he whispered and knew he could trust Minho. He frowned when he saw that he was writing again, and Jinki looked out the window again.

Hyung, please don’t tell anyone I spoke! When Jinki looked up, Minho was biting down into his lip and he somehow looked so upset. The doctor said when I could speak again, I’d be able to leave. But... I can’t leave here just yet. Jinki frowned and he wanted to ask why Minho could not leave yet, he could not understand why he did not want to leave. If he had a choice he would choose to leave Sunnyside right away, he wondered what made Minho want to stay. He thought that Minho would be desperate to leave, that he’d want to get out, and he could see no reason for him to want to stay.

“Okay? But why don’t you want to leave?” He asked, but Minho just shook his head, pointing down at his words. “Okay, I won’t tell anyone!” Jinki finally sighed when Minho kept pointing down at the words. “As long as you tell me why you stopped speaking, and you have to talk to me when we’re alone.” Jinki nodded his head slowly. He realised that with a start he felt better than he had all morning, somehow hearing Minho’s voice had made him forget his demons and everything troubling him. “At least a little bit,” he didn’t want Minho to feel forced to talk all the time.

Minho sighed and then nodded his head quickly. His throat ached because he hadn’t talked for a few months and now he was again. It felt so strange but when he saw how happy Jinki looked it made him feel better about it. He smiled down at Jinki, and he felt so happy when he smiled back at him. A lot of the time Jinki looked incredibly sad, but his smile Minho realised was as bright as the sunshine. His smile had so much warmth in it that it made Minho feel like everything was going to turn out okay. It was strange because he knew it wasn’t, but his smile could make him believe anything.

*

When Kibum came back later, Jinki felt irritated and tense, he eyed the other boy nervously when he patted his arm. He lay there stiffly as Kibum mumbled on about something not picking up Jinki’s nervousness around him. He almost felt relieved when his chest began to throb and he found the pain growing in his chest. And everything faded to black again as the pain grew too intense for his weakened body to handle.

He opened his eyes to find a tearful Kibum clutching his hand, and Minho, hovering on the other side. Jinki felt faint, but he also felt annoyed as Kibum choked back a sob sounding upset and slightly hysterical. It all seemed so fake, he wished he had the strength to slap Kibum, how could he pretend to care after what he did the night before? His hands squeezed his hand tightly, and he wanted to shake Kibum off him, he was like a leech, clinging to Jinki and sucking him dry.

“Oh god, hyung. Thank god you woke.” Kibum stuttered sounding upset, “No one would come to make sure you were okay.” He added sounding shaky and upset; his eyes were all red as if he had been crying. The way Kibum acted made Jinki feel sick, how he could act like what had happened the night before had been fine. Jinki couldn’t help but think it was all false or fake, and he just wished he could run away.

Jinki sucked in a deep breath feeling annoyed and grumpy, “Why the fuck do you care?” He snapped, “Why does it matter if I woke? So you can finish what you started?” He stared across at Kibum, his eyes intense and filled with anger. “What the fuck is your problem? Why are you so worked up over me? You know I’m going to be dead soon, so what the fuck. Why do you even fucking care? No wait, I do know why you care, but I wish you’d just leave me the fuck alone.” He felt slightly guilty as he saw Kibum shrink back, and he looked as if he had been slapped in the face. But at the same time he thought that he deserved it. Jinki missed Minho’s look of confusion and the shock at hearing Jinki speak like that.

“Hyung, you don’t mean that, do you?” Kibum bit his lip and rubbed at Jinki’s hand.

“I do.” Jinki replied, with a sigh, trying to jerk his hand away from Kibum’s.

“But… of course we care. Of course we care about you; I wish you didn’t have to die. Hyung, I’m going to miss you so much.” Jinki saw Kibum swallow, and he looked confused, as if he had no idea why Jinki was being like that. That made Jinki feel angrier and even more upset, how Kibum pretended and acted like nothing had happened.

“Are you really, Kibum?” Jinki raised one eyebrow, pouting across at him, “Oh fuck this. Can you just leave me alone? I don’t want to deal with you today.” He sulked slightly, jerking his hand away from Kibum’s. He didn’t care that he was acting like a spoilt child; he didn’t care how he was acting. If Kibum continued to stay there he was sure he was going to throw up. Seeing Kibum pretend and act innocent was making him feel nauseous.

“Fine.” Kibum replied looking upset, “I just thought you should know that tonight visitors or family come to see us. And it could be your last chance to say goodbye to friends or someone.” He shrugged and then looked across at Minho, and he reached over and grabbed the taller boy’s hand, squeezing it lightly. Jinki felt guilty as he saw the confused look Minho shot him before he left the room.

So tonight is visitor’s night? Does that mean my mum will come tonight? Jinki swallowed feeling a surge of hope but then he started to feel depressed again. She won’t come. She hasn’t even phoned to find out what’s going on. No one will come, so don’t get your hopes up.

*

Jinki was standing by the windowsill watching the sunset when he heard the door and he turned back and he smiled when he saw who was standing in the doorway. He felt both surprised and shocked, and smiled widely, as the boy stepped into his room nervously. Jinki leaned against the window and then he walked across the room quickly, to meet the boy.

“Hyung!” He cried out and Jinki laughed and hugged him tightly, it had been years since he had seen him. He was so much taller than he thought he would be, and he was still smiling as much as he had when he was a kid. It brought back so many memories and Jinki felt so insanely happy as he saw his cousin standing there.

“Ah, you’ve grown so much!” He murmured with a smile as he eyed the boy intently and he was astonished and surprised that he was there. He hadn’t expected anyone to come and see him, let alone his cousin. Jinki did feel incredibly happy to see him, but he felt guilty too when he saw how thin his cousin was, and he looked stressed. He felt guilty too because he had stopped visiting him, and the last time they had seen each other was years earlier.

“I can’t… believe you’d do that to yourself hyung!”

Jinki opened his mouth to speak, but he looked up seeing movement in the doorway, and he smiled slightly as he saw Minho standing there, looking in curiously. Jinki waved his hand and his cousin turned to see what he was looking at. Jinki opened his mouth, to introduce the two, when he saw his cousin tense, and Minho gasped loudly before he ran into the room. Jinki’s heart started to pound faster until he saw Minho ignore him and run right past him, and instead he grabbed onto Taemin. Jinki’s eyes widened and he just stared as Minho pulled Taemin right into his arms and hugged him tightly, leaving the older boy gaping in surprise, his chest aching strangely as he saw them hug. Jinki felt dizzy for a moment and so confused, he rubbed at his eyes to make sure he was not seeing things that they were really hugging.

“Taemin? Minho?”

Jinki blinked and he stared as Minho and Taemin separated, and he just stared at them both feeling confused, but then he realised they must know each other and go to the same school. He figured it had to be something like that, judging from the way that they had hugged. He swallowed and he felt awkward, and he shifted back towards the windowsill, to give them some space. When he looked up again he saw another boy looking into the room, and Jinki saw Kibum looking in cautiously.

“Hyung, this is my friend from school!” Taemin tugged on Minho’s arm happily as he turned to face Jinki, “I didn’t know he was here.” He frowned and bit his lip, “He disappeared and I didn’t know where he was.” Pain filled his face for a moment, but then he shook his head as Minho touched his arm lightly and he smiled up at Jinki again. “But now I’ve found him again!” The happiness Jinki could hear in Taemin’s voice made Jinki feel happy for his cousin but at the same time it made him feel sad. It didn’t make sense, but somehow it hurt, and he felt bitter.

“Oh I see.” Jinki forced himself to smile and nod his head slowly, and watched as Minho hugged his cousin again. He could tell that Minho was struggling, that he wanted to speak and he knew he was holding himself back. He walked over and rubbed Minho’s back lightly before murmuring, “its okay. Don’t stress.” He ignored the strange look Taemin shot him. Even if Minho had Taemin, he could at least offer some support even if Minho did not really need it. It at least made Jinki feel a little better, less left out.

“Minho-hyung?” Taemin bit his lip, “Why did you disappear like that?” Taemin frowned, “Was it… was it because of me?” He swallowed and Jinki was surprised to see his cousin’s eyes watering. He frowned and reached for Taemin’s shoulder, patting him lightly because it hurt to see his cousin looking that upset. He looked up and saw how pained Minho’s expression was, and how he gulped, and then shook his head slowly. But Jinki frowned when he saw how Minho avoided Taemin’s gaze it made him feel like the taller boy was not being completely honest, and Jinki felt confused. He wished he knew what was going on, wished he could understand.

“Hyung, why don’t you answer me?” Taemin pouted, staring up at Minho, as the taller boy continued to say nothing at all. Jinki bit his lip, and he felt like he was intruding on something private. He swallowed and wondered if they were more than friends, and he realised with a start that he felt jealous. He bit down into his lip, and he was about to turn away when he caught the glance Minho shot him. His eyes wide and he looked so intensely at Jinki that for a moment he was confused, but then he realised that Taemin did not know.

“Taemin-ah, Minho doesn’t speak anymore.” Jinki whispered, feeling somehow incredibly sad, and he realised with a start that it had been a while since he had felt sadness for someone else. It had been a long time since he had actually cared about anyone, or that he had someone to care about. He sighed as he saw Taemin’s eyes widen and he looked so shocked and surprised. He gaped and stared at Minho before reaching for his hand, and he tugged on his arm.

“What? Hyung? What does he mean? Hyung, what does Jinki-hyung mean?” He pestered the older boy, and Minho shook slightly, and then he just shook his head and pointed at Jinki again. Taemin turned and glared at his cousin, somehow thinking it was his fault that he didn’t speak anymore. Taemin let go of Minho’s arm and he stepped closer to Jinki, and the older boy stepped back because his cousin looked angry, his eyes flashily angrily, and he had his lips pursed together as he glared up at him.

“Hyung, what did you do to him?” Taemin asked his hands curling into fists, and he stepped forward to strike Jinki. He felt angry and confused because he couldn’t understand how his best friend had gone from talking to not being able to talk. Because Minho had just pointed at him, it made him think that it was Jinki’s fault, and the fact that he had tried to kill himself, and because he was dying, it made it easy for Taemin to blame him too..

Jinki gulped and stepped back further as Taemin lashed out at him, and he shut his eyes waiting to be hit. He flinched slightly, breathing in deeply, waiting for the inevitable punch to land, but nothing happened. When he opened his eyes he saw Minho restraining Taemin, who was struggling to escape, and then Kibum was in the room too. Jinki swallowed as Kibum glared at his cousin, and stepped in front of Jinki, as if to protect him. That made Jinki feel even more uncomfortable, Kibum who had taken advantage of him was now trying to protect him. He felt dizzy as Kibum stood in front of him, he felt even more vulnerable and weak, and he slumped against the wall. He felt drained as if all his energy had been sucked from him, his legs shaking slightly.

“Hey!” Kibum snapped, poking Taemin in the chest, “Don’t even think of hurting my Jinki-hyung okay? I don’t know what your fucking problem is, but don’t take it out on him okay?” Kibum growled poking Taemin in the chest, until he calmed down but Minho kept holding onto him to make sure he didn’t try anything else. “I don’t give a fuck who you are, but you don’t fucking hurt my Jinki-hyung!” Kibum growled, and Jinki leaned back against the windowsill, sucking in deep breaths, feeling so dizzy and weak.

“Your Jinki-hyung?” Jinki repeated from behind Kibum, “What the fuck?” He sighed, “Don’t say that Kibum. I’m not your anything.” He frowned as Kibum turned around with a shocked face, and he looked upset. “What?” Jinki frowned, feeling angry at the younger boy, “It’s true.” He shivered slightly from Kibum’s words, feeling sick, and he wondered if Kibum was even aware that he had hurt him. He had no right to talk about other people hurting him when he had hurt him. When he caused all that shit to come back and haunt him, he swallowed wishing he was stronger.

“But… but…” Kibum pouted, “What about the other night?” He bit his lip, “You liked it right?”

Jinki just froze, and he looked down at the floor, missing the surprised look that Minho shot him, and the hurt that filled his eyes moments later. Jinki swallowed and he sighed, wondering why everything was so messed up, why Kibum was still there hassling him. He wished he could be dead because it hurt so much and he had no idea what he was meant to do, how he was meant to feel. He felt hurt when he looked at Taemin, and saw how he was still glaring at him, and he still looked angry. Jinki swallowed and then he just walked away from the wall, and climbed into his bed, pulling the sheets over his head. Only two more days… two more days and then it’s all over. I just have to... get through these last two days, and then it’s all over.

***


D: no idea if this is okay or not T_____T I am too tired to tell. *dies*
Tags: !fanfic, !series, author: argh, pairing: tofuho, rating: r
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