Author: argh (@ onho)
Length: 4,853 words
Summary: This is set after "Hello Baby" ended... Minho is upset over losing his son? And he takes his frustration out on Jinki! D: Kind of angsty
Warnings: un-betaed. Sorry for the terrible grammar and typos? :/
Minho held back his tears until they were in the van, on their way back to their dorm. Once the van started up, and they were leaving Yoogeun behind, he felt his eyes water, sadness filling him to the brim. Kibum’s loud sobs set him off completely as they left the boy behind. Minho turned away from the others, trying to cry silently as he watched Yoogeun getting smaller and smaller through the blurry glass. His sadness overwhelming him, and he shuddered slightly slumping forward as his tears continued to slide down his cheeks.
“Minho.” Jinki’s voice was soft and tender beside him and Minho tried to ignore the older boy, wanting to be left in peace with his sadness. “Minho, it’s okay.” Jinki wrapped his arm around the other boy’s shoulder, hugging him gently and trying to comfort him. Jinki bit his lip as he saw Minho’s tear stained cheeks and he couldn’t help but reach out to brush away the tears. It hurt Jinki so much seeing how sad and upset Minho was, and it made his chest ache with sadness seeing Minho so distraught but also because of the fact they would not see Yoogeun again.
“You’re going to be okay, we’re all going to miss him.” Jinki nodded his head slowly, trying so hard to comfort the younger, “But you’re going to be okay, it might hurt now…” Jinki paused and frowned, wondering what he should say to help make Minho feel better. “Minho, it will be okay.” He added a moment later, rubbing his hand in circles across Minho’s back. He concentrated on making Minho feel better; he rubbed his back lightly, and leaned in close to him, his hand brushing over Minho’s.
“Hyung, just don’t.” Minho whispered pushing Jinki’s hand away; and he lifted his head up, his sorrowful eyes gazing across at Jinki’s. “Don’t say that.” Minho shook his head, looking upset and he shifted so Jinki’s hand was no longer resting on his back. “You wouldn’t understand you didn’t care about him as much as I did.” He shook his head again, missing how sad Jinki looked hearing Minho’s words.
“Minho.” Jinki blinked his eyes, “I cared about him.” He shook his head and then pressed in up close to Minho again, hugging him tightly. “Minho, please don’t be sad, we can see him again sometime in the future.” He pressed his face against Minho’s shoulder and held onto the other boy tightly. Jinki ignored the others, focussing his sole attention on Minho. “I understand how you feel, I feel sad too and I’m going to miss him so much!”
Minho however wanted to be alone; he wanted to cry on his own. He frowned and blinked, wiping at his wet cheeks as he thought about what Jinki had just said. I understand how you feel, I feel sad too and I’m going to miss him so much! Minho frowned and he shook his head again slowly, thinking that Jinki did not understand how he felt at all. No one could understand how he felt, and it was rubbish if they said that they did understand.
“Hyung.” Minho frowned, his tears stopping, “No, you don’t understand.” He shoved the older boy away roughly, “You didn’t even care about him or get that close to him. So don’t say you understand.” He snapped and Jinki’s eyes widened in surprise. “You said chicken was more important to you than Yoogeun, so don’t tell me you understand because you don’t!” He poked Jinki in the chest with his finger, “And just leave me alone! I want to be alone!”
Minho coughed realising that it was impossible to be alone when you were in a van with other people. But he wanted to be alone with his sadness, and not have anyone trying to make him feel better. He couldn’t be physically alone – but he did not want anyone clinging to him trying to comfort him. It didn’t matter that he was surrounded by his band mates who were also upset at not seeing their ‘son’ again; he felt that they could and would not understand. It didn’t matter to him if they did understand because he felt he needed to be alone.
“What.” Jinki sounded hurt and Minho thought his voice sounded muffled as if he was speaking through something, but he didn’t turn to look. “Minho, that doesn’t mean I didn’t care about Yoogeun!” Jinki pouted sadly across at Minho, “I wasn’t as close to him, but you know ah I wanted to be closer I was just afraid- afraid of hurting him.” He shut up realising that this wasn’t going to help make Minho feel better. The last thing they needed was to get into an argument, he had to push aside his own feelings and focus on Minho.
“Stop saying crap!” Minho sounded even angrier, somehow he felt furious. “I mean come on, anyone who says food is more important than a person, really does not care! So Jinki-hyung, don’t even pretend to be sad, don’t pretend to be sympathetic to me. You’re not even crying; everyone else is but not you. It’s just crap that you understand how I feel, just leave me the fuck alone!” He snapped loudly, not caring that Kibum had stopped crying and was now staring in shock at Minho’s harsh words. It was so unusual for Minho to snap at anyone.
Jinki sniffed and gulped, his eyes watered slightly, and it took all of his efforts to quash down his sadness, and the tears threatening to overwhelm him. Minho’s words felt like a slap to the face, and he sucked in deep breaths trying to control the pain and hurt that washed over him. It hurt even more than Minho had said such things to him, Minho of all people. His words cut deep and made Jinki’s heart ache so badly and he just wanted to cry. Jinki felt deflated and he blinked his eyes slowly, trying to just breathe and not cry.
He didn’t want anyone else to see his sadness, and although Minho’s words had hurt he knew it was because the other boy was suffering. He tried to tell himself that Minho didn’t mean his words, but deep inside he felt like he was just deluding himself. A snide voice whispered telling him he was just an idiot if he thought Minho didn’t really mean them. It made him feel like he was seeing Minho’s true feelings and what he thought about him. It hurt so much to think and realise that Minho felt that way, it felt like a kick in the teeth.
He sucked in another deep breath and shifted away from Minho, watching sadly as tears rolled fatly down the other boy’s cheeks, and he just felt that even though Minho told him to fuck off, he actually didn’t want it at all. Jinki swallowed his pain and just scooted over to Minho, wrapping his arms tightly around the other boy. He could not help himself, even if Minho had just slapped him in the face with his words – he still wanted to comfort him. His heart, his feelings were not important, Minho was more important. Minho struggled against him, but Jinki just clung to him. He wanted Minho to know he was there for him, that he would try and support him no matter what.
After a few moments, Minho stopped struggled and he collapsed against Jinki, sobbing softly. Jinki slowly rubbed his back, kissing along Minho’s shoulder to try and make him feel better. He continued to hug Minho, wrapping him in a layer of warmth and comfort. Squeezing his eyes shut tightly as he felt the other boy shudder against him slightly, his sobs tearing at Jinki’s heart. Jinki bit his lip and stayed silent, just hugging the other boy tightly in his arms.
Shutting his eyes as he hugged Minho, feeling the pain in his own chest increased as he felt Minho shake slightly in his arms. He wasn’t feeling any better Jinki could tell as he opened his eyes and gazed across at him. He rubbed the other boy’s back continually, and just stayed with him, lightly holding his hand, just being with him. Just letting Minho know he was not alone, that he was there with him. They stayed like that for most of the journey home, until Jinki found himself opening his mouth, sucking in a deep breath and then he tried to comfort Minho again.
“Shhh… Minho…” Jinki murmured softly, “it’s going to be okay, you’re going to be okay. Just let your tears out, it’s really going to be okay.” He sighed softly; still repeatedly rubbing Minho’s back, his every motion centred on Minho and making him feel better. He had never seen Minho so upset before, and it was starting to get to him that Minho was still crying. Jinki wanted to cry, he wanted to cry so badly but he couldn’t in front of the others. He was the leader, he had to comfort and protect them, and they couldn’t see his weak side. He held back his tears and hugged Minho tightly in his arms, pulling him into his embrace,
“Minho, its okay… I understand how bad you feel… just let your sadness out.” He added with another faint sigh.
“Why… why are you like this.” Minho sniffled lifting his head, “Just… just… why hyung.” Jinki opened his eyes and he frowned at Minho’s tear stained reflection in the glass not understanding at all. “You always kept your distance from Yoogeun. Did you really care about him, or did you just pretend for the show. You said chicken was more important!” Minho repeated again, “So how can you expect to make me feel better. Hyung, I swear you’re making me feel worse! Spouting all this shit about how you understand, hyung there is no way you could understand! And you’re suffocating me, I need space, so get off hyung.” Minho was starting to sound angry again, he wiped at his eyes quickly, wriggling and trying to escape Jinki’s embrace again.
“Okay, I am sorry Minho.” Jinki whispered sadly, moving away from Minho, he patted the other boy’s shoulder lightly, before he moved away. Jinki wished he had kept quiet because when he was silent Minho didn’t say anything angrily to him. Minho shifted uncomfortably as he felt the warmth that had been Jinki shift away from him, and then he felt cold. But he did not want to ask Jinki to move back again, he could not after what he had just said to him. He sighed and pressed his face against the cold glass, shutting his eyes and he sucked in a deep breath as he felt Jinki’s hand squeeze his shoulder lightly before the hand slid away.
Somehow Minho realised he was feeling a little bit better, he wasn’t sure if it was just because he had let his tears and anger out, or if somehow Jinki’s words had made him feel better. He shifted slightly, sighing as he thought about Yoogeun, knowing he would be okay. He would miss him so much and Minho had a feeling he would think about him everyday, but somehow he knew it was going to be okay. He hoped that he would see him from time to time maybe not as much as they had but he hoped he could see him sometimes.
Jinki glanced around the apartment, sighing as he saw that everyone was watching the television, completely engrossed in the reality program. He slipped over to the front door, looking back to see if anyone was watching. He felt relieved as he saw everyone was still studying the television no one had noticed him moving, and he slipped on his shoes and left the apartment. Jinki felt strangely numb, hollowed as he made his way down the numerous flights of stairs. His fingers felt cold on the metal railing, and he shivered slightly, but somehow the cold felt soothing.
He pushed the door open and stepped into the cold underground parking, and he walked silently across the concrete, swallowing as he unlocked the van. The manager had frowned at him when he asked for the keys, but when he promised not to drive anywhere he had handed them over with a resigned look, as if he knew why he wanted the keys. He shut the door behind him, and he sniffed a little as he made his way to the seat in the back of the van. It was a little bit dark in the van, and that suited him just fine, he had no need for light. Jinki slumped down into the seat, his hands trembling and he felt as if he was unravelling completely.
He turned and faced the window, his whole body shaking as he started to cry silently. Jinki sobbed noiselessly, the tears rolling down his face in steady streams. Now that he was alone, he could let his sadness and pain out. He couldn’t stop shuddering as he cried, and slowly he began to sob louder and louder. His chest ached with pain, and he just let himself go completely, crying his heart out. The silent, lonely van, with no watching eyes or caring people was the only place he could let his sadness and sorrow out. In his heart he thought of it as ‘the crying van’ because it was the place, the only place he could cry without worrying, hurting or upsetting anyone.
Minho frowned as he yawned looking around the apartment; he got up from the couch and went into the other bedroom. He knocked and then opened the door, noticing that it was empty. He frowned and then looked around the rest of the apartment; Kibum was watching him when he returned to the lounge. Minho blinked and wondered where exactly Jinki had gone. It was weird, Minho realised how the older boy had vanished and he had been strange since they had come home.
“Where is Jinki-hyung.” He asked softly, frowning slightly, it was strange because he was nowhere to be found. It was if he had disappeared of the face of the planet, and Minho didn’t like that at all. He swallowed, somehow feeling guilty but he could not remember doing anything to Jinki. But it still made no sense why the older boy had gone, and Minho wanted to see him.
“Minho.” Kibum rolled his eyes and he got up slowly, making his way to the table, and he pulled out a chair and motioned for Minho to come over. Kibum pulled another chair out and sat down, tapping his fingers against the tabletop as he waited for Minho to sit down beside him. Minho turned to look at Kibum expectantly. “He’s probably crying somewhere.” Kibum shrugged slightly and Minho’s eyes widened in surprise.
“What.” He blinked slowly, “What do you mean.” As far as Minho was concerned Jinki did not cry. Instead he was always smiling warmly and encouraging everyone else. The thought of Jinki crying, made him feel scared, as if the world was turned upside down. Although deep in his heart he knew Jinki must cry, it was just something he had never seen, and could not imagine.
“Well isn’t it obvious.” Kibum sighed heavily and rolled his eyes, “that’s he off somewhere crying by himself. You know he won’t show his sadness in front of us.” Kibum shrugged, “He doesn’t want to worry us or show us his weak side. So he’s probably off somewhere crying by himself.” Kibum added with a slight frown, surprised that Minho had not worked it out himself.
“But-but why… would hyung be crying!” Minho blinked sounding slightly upset and he felt surprised when he saw how Kibum glared across at him.
“God, how can you say that.” Kibum hissed angrily, “Acting all upset and innocent.” Kibum rolled his eyes and poked Minho hard in the chest, “You’re part of the reason he’s probably crying. Do you have any idea how mean you were to him earlier. He was trying to make you feel better and you shouted at him.” Kibum shook his head angrily, stabbing Minho with his finger repeatedly. “You clearly didn’t see how upset hyung looked, he almost cried in the van, after you spoke the way you did to him.”
“Shit.” Minho’s eyes widened and he groaned as he realised what Kibum meant. He had tried not to think about that all evening, because he did not want to think about saying goodbye to Yoogeun. He had tried to suppress the memory of leaving Yoogeun completely. He groaned again as he realised how sad and upset Jinki had looked since they had been home. Minho sighed as he remembered how the older boy had completely avoided him, probably because he was scared Minho would shout at him again. He had thought it was odd that Jinki had sat at the opposite end of the couch, he normally would snuggle against Minho, but now it made sense. Minho felt like a complete idiot, and he covered his face with his hand.
“Do… you know where he’s gone.” He asked through his palm, feeling so incredibly guilty, and he moved his hand away to see Kibum’s reply. “I need to apologise to him, ah do you know where he is.”
“No.” Kibum sighed and shrugged, “Somewhere private. Hmmm… he wouldn’t go far away would he.” Kibum mused aloud and Minho slowly shook his head. “Oh what about the van, doesn’t he always say that’s where he usually cries? You could try there.” Kibum suggested but Minho was already getting up and walking quickly to the front door.
Minho shivered as he left the apartment, it was so cold outside. He took the lift down to the basement and frowned as he glanced around, shivering slightly. He tried to remember where the van was parked and then he walked over slowly, part of him thought it was hopeless. He shuddered and wondered if Kibum was right, he couldn’t imagine Jinki crying. He could not imagine the smiling sweet leader ever being sad, but as he gripped the van door and slid it open, he felt his heart thudding painfully.
Minho bit his lip, as he heard the faint but pain filled sobs coming from inside the van. It broke his heart, hearing Jinki cry and sob, and he felt like he was going to cry as he made his way into the cold van. He shut the door behind him and then made his way over in the dark; Jinki seemed completely unaware of him. But when he placed his hands against Jinki’s shoulders, the older boy flinched and turned away. That hurt Minho realised, and he reached his hands out to hug Jinki, but his hands were pushed away, and Jinki retreated further into himself.
“Hyung.” Minho whispered, “Jinki-hyung.” He paused sucking in a deep breath because he felt so guilty and bad that he had hurt Jinki and also because it was so cold. Jinki should not be sitting out in the cold, and he should not be crying on his like that. “I’m so sorry.” He mumbled reaching for Jinki, and he forcefully pulled him into his arms, shutting his eyes sadly as he could feel Jinki’s sobs vibrating against his body.
“No…” Jinki swallowed, “Just leave me alone.” He mumbled, struggling against Minho, but he was weak and upset and proved no match for the younger boy. “Please, just go. You’re right I would never understand your pain.” Jinki sobbed softly, his voice sounded so weak and broken. It hurt Minho hearing his lover say such words and he realised that his words uttered in anger had cut deep.
Jinki sucked in a deep breath, wishing that Minho would just leave; it felt as if he was there to rub salt in his wounds. Minho felt dizzy for a moment, and he groaned softly, realising that it was exactly like earlier – when he had been upset and Jinki had tried to comfort him. It felt like déjà vu, he too had said he wanted to be alone but Jinki had persisted, and it had annoyed Minho. However now he could understand why Jinki had persisted, because it hurt to see the other boy crying and he wanted to comfort him so badly. He felt guilty as he saw Jinki crying, the normally happy, smiling face twisted into an expression filled with so much pain and sadness.
“Hyung, I’m really sorry! I didn’t mean to snap at you earlier.” Minho pouted as he clung to the older boy, his hands sliding across Jinki’s stomach lightly, and he pulled the older boy further into his embrace. “I was just emotional and upset; I didn’t mean any of it.” He nodded his head slowly, and then pressed a kiss against Jinki’s neck lightly. “If anyone could understand,” his lips were soft against Jinki’s neck, “it would be you because you know me so well.” Minho whispered gently, his eyes squeezed shut and he half pulled Jinki into his lap, ignoring the soft sobs and protests he made. Jinki half heartedly tried to climb out of Minho’s lap and arms but he just wriggled in the other boy’s lap and did not really move.
“Don’t lie, Minho, its okay.” Jinki murmured softly, sniffling as he hid his face behind his hands, feeling his tears drip coldly onto his palms. He shivered slightly as Minho kissed his neck again and again. No one was meant to see him upset, no one was meant to see him crying, and so now he hid behind his hands, shaking slightly and willing himself to stop crying as he felt Minho shifting next to and under him.
Jinki whimpered slightly as he felt Minho’s hand touching his lightly, and he knew he was trying to move his hand away from his face. He sucked in a deep breath and he tried to escape the embrace, but Minho still had one arm twisted around his waist, and he clutched the older boy’s hips firmly, determined not to let go of him. Jinki whined slightly and continued to hold his hands up firmly, resisting Minho’s efforts to move them.
“Hyung, I’m not lying.” Minho’s voice was full of emotion and it made Jinki feel all quivery on the inside, as if butterflies had just taken flight in his stomach. “I mean it, I’m sorry I was so harsh earlier. That was just my upset talking; you know I regretted my words as soon as I thought about what I said.” He sighed heavily and leaned in and kissed Jinki’s hands softly. His lips sliding across Jinki’s skin so lightly that the older boy shivered slightly and he wanted to believe Minho, but he kept his hands up, he didn’t want anyone to see his ugly swollen, tear stained face.
“I know you loved Yoogeun, I could see it in your eyes and the way you talked about him. I just felt so upset that I didn’t think anyone would share my pain.” He paused and stroked Jinki’s hand lightly, “But that was so stupid of me, and I’m sorry.” He nodded his head slowly and felt relieved as he managed to pull one of Jinki’s hands away. He gripped Jinki’s hand tightly, covering it with his warm hand and he squeezed it lightly.
Minho felt so sad as he gazed across at Jinki’s face, his eye looked swollen and his cheek was wet with tears and he could see his lips were trembling. Minho sucked in a deep breath and then he leaned in and kissed Jinki’s shut eye, his lips pressing softly against his eyelid. He leaned in again and kissed his eyelid and then kissed his damp, tear stained cheek. He let go of Jinki’s hand and lowered Jinki’s other hand from his face and then pressed a kiss to the other shut eye, his lips pressing so softly against his skin.
“I love you hyung.” Minho murmured as he kissed away the tear tracks, reaching for Jinki’s hand again and squeezing it tightly, his hands were so cold he wanted to warm them. “I’d never hurt you intentionally, I would’ve been mean to anyone who tried to comfort me. I’m sorry hyung that you had to bear the brunt of my anger and upset.” Minho added as he kissed the tip of Jinki’s nose, one hand still tight around his waist. “It breaks me to see you crying down here alone. Hyung, please don’t cry like this by yourself.” He bit his lip, “It hurts that you can’t even share your sadness with me.”
“I-I don’t… want to worry you or be a burden to you.” Jinki whispered, his lips still trembling slightly and his eyes were red and swollen when he opened them. Minho pouted as he saw the sad look Jinki shot him, and he shook his head quickly. Minho wondered how he had been so stupid, how he had missed Jinki crying before, he felt like such a bad boyfriend, even if they hadn’t been together for very long. He felt he should’ve noticed this before especially since Kibum knew about it.
“You’re never a burden hyung, and you now I’m going to worry more if you don’t share you pain with me.” He nodded his head slowly, “Hyung, I love you. That means I want to be there for you all the time.” He smiled warmly across at the other boy, pulling him onto his lap more, so that there was virtually no space between their bodies. He sighed happily and snuggled against Jinki, feeling happier with him perched on him like that and he hoped that Jinki was feeling better now.
“Are you okay. Are you feeling better now hyung?” Minho asked gently, as he cupped Jinki’s face carefully, his fingers skimming across his skin lightly. He felt relieved when Jinki managed a small smile and he nodded his head slowly. “Good.” Minho nodded his head, “It’s too cold out here,” He pouted, “I don’t want you to get sick, can we go back to the apartment.”
“Yeah sorry Minho.” Jinki whispered looking solemn and Minho just shook his head, lifting his hand up to his lips. He kissed each fingertip lightly, and then kissed the palm of Jinki’s hand. He smiled as he lifted his hand and then laced their fingers together, helping Jinki get up. “I love you too.” Jinki whispered faintly as Minho pulled the van door shut behind him, and he smiled brightly, lifting Jinki’s hand up again so he could kiss it again.
“So we’re okay now.” Minho murmured against Jinki’s cold hand, “Hyung, can you forgive this mean asshole.” He asked with a hopeful, voice his heart pounding away in his chest. He sighed happily as Jinki smiled happily up at him, and even though Jinki’s eyes were swollen from crying, Minho couldn’t help but think he looked so beautiful. He cupped Jinki’s face with his free hand, and he kissed his lips tenderly, feeling relieved and so happy as he felt Jinki’s hand grip his tightly.
“Of course.” Jinki grinned as he kissed Minho’s cheek, “we were always going to be okay.” Jinki added a moment later, “and you’re not an asshole.” He added, smiling and shutting his eyes as he felt Minho’s lips against his forehead, and his fingers stroking his hair softly. “Always, I love you.” He whispered standing on his tiptoes to get closer to Minho, and he shivered as the taller boy kissed his forehead again.
“Always I love you too.” Minho grinned and he clutched Jinki’s hand tightly, as he led him out of the basement and into the lift. Minho refused to leave Jinki alone, his hands constantly fussing over the older boy as he took the lift up to their floor. They were both smiling as they made their in to the apartment, worn out but strangely content.
Minho grinned as he managed to talk Jinki into sleeping in the same bed, using the excuse that he was too cold – and he could catch a chill. Minho sighed and nuzzled against Jinki, and he wrapped his arms tightly around his waist. He was glad they had sorted things out, and glad that Jinki was right there, warm and gorgeous in his arms. He manoeuvred Jinki even closer so that there was not even a millimetre between them, sighing as he leaned forward to kiss Jinki’s lips softly.
Minho wondered what on earth had possessed him to snap earlier, when he was with the most caring, considerate person on the planet. He smiled and kissed Jinki again, threading their fingers together and he sighed contently as Jinki’s leg slipped between his. He whispered that he loved Jinki again, squeezing their hands together and then letting his exhaustion win, he let himself drift into slumber entwined in the arms of his lover.
OOOPS THIS WAS MEANT TO BE A FRIENDSHIP FIC! LIKE NO KISSING NO SAPPY “I LOVE YOU’S” ETC. :/
*failed* kjdfhjgkf I guess it didn’t help that I was listening to Battle’s “Luv u” ~ while writing this~ “Always I love you~” its such a sappy ballad but I love it~
And I blame HB 12 for this :/ dfjkjkgjkdfgdf and me reading about Jinki crying in the van so he doesn’t worry the fans and SHINee :/ *breaks heart* :( please no crying by yourself Jinki - let Minho comfort you! T________T;; don’t be sad!!! *hugs Jinki* XDDD