Author: argh (@ onho)
Length: 4,831 words
Summary: Jinki wants to die. :/ So he overdoses...
Warnings: un-betaed. Sorry for the terrible grammar and typos? :/ blegh.
Previous parts: ( one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine )
fade out – part ten
“Somehow this reminds me of a park I played in when I was young.” Jinki sighed, looking around as he talked to himself. Minho stopped writing and he looked up, waiting for Jinki to continue. “I don’t know why but somehow it reminds me of that park. I remember playing there with Taemin and his friend.” He smiled, “We had so much fun, and I can remember pushing them both on the swings.” He sighed and smiled happily, shutting his eyes for a moment remembering back to that day.
“Ah sorry.” Jinki looked over, seeing that Minho had stopped writing and was smiling fondly across at him. “I did not mean to distract you, when you’re busy writing.” He swallowed and went silent, sitting there and studying the surroundings. Minho pouted and then went back to writing, and Jinki studied him silently. Committing everything to his memory, the way he would run his fingers through his hair, and the way he would tap his pen against his lips when he stopped to think. It hurt when Jinki thought about the fact that sometime soon his memories and this day with Minho would be gone.
Jinki swallowed feeling sad that nothing would remain to remember this day, but then Minho looked up and smiled across sweetly at him. It was that moment, that instant when he saw Minho’s smile that he realised he was mistaken. Jinki smiled back shyly and he felt a million times better because of that smile, and because he realised that even if he was gone. Minho would still have the memories of the day, they would not be the same as his, but they would still be memories of them together. It meant that this day, this last day would be remembered by someone, and not forgotten and that made him happy.
“Hyung.” Minho pursed his lips together, and Jinki realised he actually looked nervous. He blinked as Minho handed him his notebook. “I finished writing.” He sighed and looked away, and Jinki realised that he was scared and nervous. He swallowed and shifted closer, and he wanted to reach out and grasp Minho’s hand but he could not. Instead he gripped the notebook so tightly his knuckles went white, “Hyung, read it.” Minho whispered sounding upset, “Please, I know it’s nothing compared to your past... but it was still...” He trailed off and Jinki nodded his head, before he glanced down at the page.
Jinki-hyung, I feel sorry for not saying this earlier! I guess I should’ve told you about why I tried to kill myself when I told you about Taemin and why I stopped speaking. But I felt like it was too much to say at once, or it was too hard for me. I’m not sure anymore. But I wanted to tell you before ... Jinki paused and he looked up to see that Minho was watching him seriously and he looked so sad. Jinki gulped and then looked down again.
But I wanted to tell you before...
It maybe seems like nothing but everyday my mum would shout at me (and my dad) if I came home from soccer practice. She would tell me to stop going and to just focus on studying for exams. My mum says that good grades are more important for getting into uni than playing a sport. But then my dad would shout at her (or me) for not concentrating on soccer and yeah. I hated hearing them shouting. I hated it so much that I was trying so hard to please them both. I didn’t want to end up in the same both as my brother – he was basically disowned by my parents. So in my free time I’d either be in the library studying or practicing soccer to try and please them both. But no matter how hard I worked they were never happy. My grades were never good enough; my soccer skills were never good enough. They both kept pressuring me to do better, to succeed more and to be the best.
Then there was Taemin, my best friend... and I hated how he was being bullied too. And because I was trying to please my parents he was bullied more because I was not around to protect him. I was either studying or practicing soccer, so I never really saw my friends anymore. I never saw anyone but the soccer team, and my parents and it just made me feel like shit, because there was nothing but training or studying. I always remember one night I stayed up all night for a big test and then the next day I saw Taemin at school and he had two black eyes. I felt so guilty – he had asked me to hang out the day before but I was too busy studying, too busy to even spend time with him.
But then Taemin started following me to the library and stuff and then it was okay for a while. It was okay because I had someone to talk to but then my grades started to slip and I was too tired in soccer practice to play well. My parents argued more and I just felt so pressured to be the best in everything, it just started to become too much. I’d be up all night studying and then fail the test because I was too groggy to concentrate, and then I’d stuff up in soccer practice. So then both my parents would shout at me, and tell me I had to do better. That I was not working hard enough, and that I was a failure. That if I was not careful I’d end up a wreck and a disaster like my brother.
When... when they said that to me hyung, I don’t know but something just snapped inside me and I couldn’t take it anymore. I was so tired and exhausted from trying to please my parents – but it was never good enough. I missed out on being the Vice Captain for the soccer team and my dad went nuts. Then I got an A instead of an A+ in an assignment so I was in trouble with my mum too. It just felt like I was working so hard, training so hard and yet it made no difference. It felt like I was stuck in this repetitive cycle and no matter how fast I ran I could never catch up or escape.
Jinki swallowed and he shifted closer to Minho, reading his words he felt like in some ways they echoed how he felt. They had been in completely different situations, yet they had both ended up having similar feelings. Jinki sighed and he reached a hand out to touch Minho, and he grasped his hand gently. Minho looked up, looking so shocked and surprised but then he smiled, and Jinki thought he looked shy and unsure. Jinki found himself gripping Minho’s hand tighter as if to reassure him that everything was going to be okay (even if it was not really).
I know... maybe it seems pathetic to what you suffered... but somehow I felt trapped, and I just could not take it anymore. Kind of stupid and weak I guess, sorry hyung, but I guess... if I didn’t do that, I would never have met you. Ahh I’m getting stupid again, ignore me! I’ll stop writing now before I write anything more embarrassing. Jinki sighed and just squeezed Minho’s hand tightly, and he swallowed thinking about how different things were for them but he could still see the similarities between there situations.
Jinki placed the notebook down on the grass between them and they sat there silently for some time. After a few moments in the shade, Minho placed his hand over top of Jinki’s and he shifted a little closer. Jinki could feel the pounding of his heart; it felt like it was crashing against his ribcage, like waves hitting cliffs in a storm. He swallowed and just tried to stay calm, tried to concentrate on the warmth of Minho’s large hands and not on the fact that he was dying.
“Minho...” Jinki finally broke the silence when he felt bad for not saying anything at all to Minho. He knew he had laid his soul bare for Jinki to see. “I don’t think it’s lame or stupid.” He frowned and squeezed Minho’s hand, “I can understand, and I’m sorry.” Jinki pouted, “That your parents treated you that way that you had so much pressure and yet you took care of my cousin.” He smiled and paused, “thank you.”
“I know it’s wrong of me, but I hope you can take care of Taemin after....” He trailed off and pulled his hand out from between Minho’s. “You know,” He smiled bitterly; “you guys look good together. I’m sorry for getting in the way.” Jinki tried to smile sweetly, but it was hard, he felt slightly upset and hurt, but he had no idea why he felt like that. He shifted away from Minho, “thank you for spending today with me, sorry you probably had other stuff you wanted to do. Go and see Taemin.”
“Hyung.” Minho frowned and he leaned forward and grabbed Jinki’s hand shocking him, “No.” He sighed, “Jinki-hyung, I wanted to spend today with you!” The intensity behind Minho’s words surprised Jinki and he just sat there as the taller boy pulled him into his arms and hugged him tightly. “I don’t want to look after Taemin, I mean I do. But I’d rather...” Jinki frowned and he wondered why Minho had stopped mid sentence. “I’d rather take care of you.” It was whispered so soft Jinki almost missed his words, he just felt confused as Minho hugged him so tightly. He felt confused but he also felt this strange surge of happiness. He was aware of Minho’s chin on his shoulder, and his fingertips pressing lightly against his back, it was weird. Jinki knew he should be freaking out, but he felt like snuggling into Minho’s embrace more.
Minho watched as Jinki bit down into his lower lip as he was strapped into the seat. Minho could tell he was nervous from the way he glanced around and looked down. He wanted to tell him not to look down, to avoid looking at their dangling feet – but it was too late Jinki had already looked. Jinki groaned and clutched the handle bars tightly, and Minho wanted to reach across and take his hand. He swallowed and gripped the bars, so he did not take Jinki’s hand. But as he saw how pale Jinki was looking, he started to feel guilty and worry, he wondered if it was a bad idea to go on this rollercoaster, if it would be bad for Jinki’s heart. It was too late to get out of it now, he felt terrible, and what if it he was going to make Jinki worse. Minho could not stand it anymore and he reached over and touched Jinki’s hand lightly, watching him open his eyes.
“Hyung, don’t be scared.” Minho smiled across at him from the harness, and he held his hand out, peeling Jinki’s away from the handle, and he held it tightly. “Just breathe.” He added a moment later, squeezing the hand tightly. He wanted to say something cheesy like “I’m right here with you” but Minho felt like that might not reassure Jinki, and also he felt it would give away his own feelings. He did not want Jinki to know how he felt because he thought it would just make him feel guilty.
When it was over, Minho felt a little jump in his chest as Jinki continued to hold his hand. He knew it was because he was scared or something, but it did make him feel happy. He swallowed as Jinki got up, shaking and all exhilarated, and he talked excitedly, pulling on Minho’s hand. Minho felt like he could burst with happiness so he just nodded his head and let Jinki drag him off. It felt so natural and perfect the way Jinki’s hand fit against his, he never wanted to let go.
“Hey!” Jinki swung their hands lightly; he was all hyper and pumping with adrenaline as he walked around with Minho. They had been on almost all of the rides, and Minho couldn’t stop grinning as he saw how excited Jinki was. “We should watch the sunset, it’s-” He bit his lip and paused, but Minho knew what he meant was, it’s the last sunset I’ll ever see. He squeezed Jinki’s hand tightly, feeling a pang of pain that someone so adorable and cute was going to be gone soon. He felt so glad that they had left the hospital he had noticed that Jinki had brightened up considerably after lunch. It made him feel happy to see Jinki like this, to see him happy, safe and not scared of people.
“Sure.” Minho grinned across at him, wondering if Jinki had any idea of what he did to him. He shook his head slowly, figuring that he didn’t. He had no idea of how he had turned Minho’s world upside down, or that he filled him with so much happiness. Minho hoped he could keep holding his hand, even if it was meaningless to Jinki, it was so special to him, and he was going to treasure this day. “That sounds good.” Minho frowned as an idea suddenly hit him, “Hey hyung we should go and take some photos or something, shouldn’t we.” I want to remember today forever, please say yes hyung!
“Oh.” Jinki bit his lip and cocked his head to the site, and Minho thought he was going to say it was a stupid idea but then he smiled so brightly. “Ohh we should, I thought of it earlier but I thought you might think it’s a stupid idea.” He blinked his eyes slowly, and Minho could not stop smiling like an idiot, and he gripped Jinki’s hand tighter, not wanting to let go for a second.
“I saw a place back there.” Jinki pointed with his free hand, and Minho turned to look, and he smiled as he saw the booth. “Shall we go...” He pointed and Minho just nodded his head. They walked back there and Minho held back a sigh when Jinki pulled his hand away, and he dug around his bag for some coins for the machine. He knew Jinki had let go to look for money but it still hurt a little but he was not going to let that affect him.
When they were finally ready he smiled and posed like an idiot in front of the machine. Minho’s happiness was evident in the pictures, and he swallowed a lump in his throat when they went through them. There was one picture where Jinki had slung his arm around Minho’s shoulder and they looked each other not at the camera, but it made Minho’s insides melt. It looked so tender and it made him feel happy but sad at the same time, he was silent when Jinki began to plaster hearts and glitter all over the pictures. Minho watched him go crazy decorating the photo stickers, and he smiled as Jinki laughed and had a good time. But he wished, he wished that those little hearts meant something to Jinki. He knew it was insane to wish Jinki liked him back, but somewhere deep inside his chest he wished he did.
“Hyung, what are we going to do now, watch the sunset and then what.” Minho swallowed and he wondered where they would go, and where they would sleep. They couldn’t just sit on the streets all night, or stay outside. It was warm but still cool over night and he worried about Jinki’s condition if he was out on the streets all night. He was suddenly starting to stress about it because he wanted Jinki to be comfortable, not sleeping in an alley somewhere. He patted his pocket where the photo stickers sat they made him deliriously happy but would not solve the problem of where they would sleep.
“We should go to my home.” Jinki added a moment later, shocking Minho completely. He just stared down at Jinki, wondering if he had read his mind. “I uh just realised that the view is great, I always enjoyed watching the sunset from there.” He nodded his head slowly, “My mum won’t be home, she’s probably still out of the country, and I still have my key.” Jinki shrugged as if it was not a problem but Minho still felt surprised.
Minho swallowed and nodded his head, keeping quiet as Jinki chattered and they left the amusement park. He smiled as they sat on the train, and he felt strangely calm and happy. He had had such a good day with Jinki; he fervently wished that the day would never end. He did not want him to be dead; he swallowed as he looked across and saw Jinki staring at him smiling back. His fingers itched to hold Jinki’s hand again, it amazed him how close they had become in one day. It surprised him how Jinki let him hug him and hold his hand, but it made him feel happy because he realised Jinki trusted him.
Minho wanted to hold his hand as Jinki lead him up a quiet street and then into the apartment building. He wanted to hug Jinki as he saw how stiff and tense he looked standing outside the apartment, but he didn’t. He stayed quiet as Jinki unlocked the door nervous in case his mother was home somehow. The apartment was dark and cool, and Minho looked around curiously thinking it looked nice, but it did look slightly dusty and abandoned.
Jinki froze and stopped dead when he saw the table and the empty sheet of tablets, and the glass of water that was almost empty. Minho stumbled into his back lightly, and Jinki just shut his eyes leaning back against him. He swallowed deeply, and felt his eyes water as Minho’s hands cautiously slid around his waist. He pushed back harder against him, feeling slightly better with Minho’s firm body right behind him, and his arms wrapped around him.
“Jinki.” Minho murmured softly, and he wondered why Jinki was shaking slightly against him. He looked around the kitchen curiously and then he saw the table and his eyes widened. It was obvious no one had been there since Jinki’s overdose, and it made him feel upset. He hugged him tighter, feeling his heart pounding faster again, and he hoped that Jinki could not feel his heartbeat against his back.
“It’s… just as I left it.” Jinki sounded so distant and it upset Minho somehow. “Everything is the same.” He shook his head slowly sounding so numb and upset but then his eyes widened as he caught the orange glow coming in through the kitchen window, “Ah, shit. The sunset!” He jerked away from Minho’s touch like he had burnt him, and left the room. Minho sucked in a deep breath; it hurt how Jinki had pulled away from him like that. He swallowed and tried to control himself, it was getting harder when Jinki was so close and he just wanted to comfort him.
He walked after Jinki after hearing him call his name and then he swallowed as he stepped out onto the balcony. Jinki was seated on a bench, and he smiled up at Minho patting the seat next to him. Minho felt very aware that the other boy had no idea how he felt. He swallowed and sat down next to Jinki, leaving a gap between them, and he glanced up at the sky. He tried to focus on the sky and not the gorgeous boy beside him, but as the sun began to set he found he could not look away.
It was so beautiful and breathtaking that he didn’t even realise right away that Jinki had slid closer, and curled into his side. Minho’s eyes were wide and he stared up at the sky, feeling so close to it. He swallowed as he watched the colours dance across the sky, and the sun slowly sank behind clouds. The hues and shades of colour were so beautiful, it felt as if he was watching a beautiful painting being painted on the spot. Minho did not think he had seen such a beautiful sunset every before. He swallowed a lump in his throat, and blinked as he realised that Jinki was leaning against him heavily.
“Minho, I’m so scared.” Jinki’s voice was a faint whisper in the darkened apartment, and Minho stood up, struggling to find his way in the dark. “Minho. I’m… so scared.” Jinki’s voice sounded all shaky, and Minho knew he was trembling. He picked his way carefully, trying to avoid the furniture, the room was lit only by the city lights, bright, neon and fluorescent, but they didn’t shine into the apartment brightly.
Minho’s eyes widened as he saw a dark figure still on the balcony. Minho sucked in a deep breath and traced his steps from earlier, and he sank down next to Jinki on the bench. The seat was shaking from the boy’s tremors, and Minho wanted to reach for him and hold him, but he stopped himself. Telling himself that he couldn’t seek his own comfort and that he had to hold back for his own sake. Because Minho knew if he let himself get any closer, he would never cope after he had gone.
But then he felt Jinki’s hand, trembling, against his hand. He swallowed as Jinki clutched his hand so tightly, and he felt like he was being used. He shut his eyes, he didn’t matter if he was being used because the way Jinki’s smaller hand felt against his own, made his stomach flutter as if it was filled with butterflies. He shifted closer and just pulled Jinki into his arms, letting him tremble against him. He wished he could stop time right then and there just make it so that Jinki never had to die.
“I just took...” Jinki’s voice trembled, “the last lot of painkillers the doctor gave me.” Jinki gulped nervously, “It’s really going to be the end... isn’t it.” He shuddered against Minho, and it hurt so much for Minho to hear him say such things. “This is it, there is nothing after this for me.”
“Hyung , it’s going to be okay.” He murmured against Jinki’s ear, his hair tickling the side of Minho’s mouth. And he desperately wanted to kiss him there, soft against his hair. Minho opened his eyes and just glanced across at Jinki, feeling so much sadness and sorrow but somehow he felt strangely calm. It was if he had already accepted it in his heart that this was the last night. This was the first and only time for him to be here with Jinki. He knew Jinki did not share his feelings, it had been clear at the amusement park earlier, but that was okay. Minho could deal with that, he just wanted to make Jinki feel comforted and loved.
“Don’t leave.” Jinki whispered squeezing his eyes shut as he curled his fingers into Minho’s hand harder. He could feel the hammering of his heart against his ribs, it felt so fragile, each beat seemed almost delicate. The sound was thunderous and loud but the beating seemed faint and slow, and it felt to Jinki that his heart was slowing down. He sucked in a deep breath and held it, worried that each moment that passed his heart was stopping and that in a second it would stop completely.
“I won’t leave you.” Minho nodded his head, stroking one hand through Jinki’s hair, his lips pressed up against his ear. Jinki swallowed and leaned against him, needing to feel the contact of another person, the contact of Minho. “I’m right here Jinki-hyung, right here with you.” Minho whispered softer, squeezing his eyes shut, and he bit down into his lip trying so hard not to cry. He wanted to believe in a God at that moment just so he could beg him not to take Jinki away from him.
Jinki sucked in deep breathes, his breathing was audible and raspy, he didn’t know if it was from nerves or because his heart was stopping. He felt panicky and tricked because he thought he had at least the night. But it felt as if his life was trickling out between his fingers like grains of sand, he was running out of time. Jinki shuddered again, and he opened his mouth to speak but before he could form words he felt this sudden pain rising up in his chest. Jinki’s eyes shot open and he gasped, it felt as if a hand was crushing his heart and his rib cage. His whole chest was burning with agony; it felt as if his entire torso was being crushed.
He choked and jerked forward the agony wrenching his heart, and the pain filled his body, his limbs and every fibre of his being. His last thought before everything went black was how glad he was that Minho was there with him. His thoughts didn’t last long before everything swam out of focus and the pain made him scream and he started to convulse, his body shaking in Minho’s arms. Jinki was not even aware of Minho sobbing, and screaming “No!” over and over. Jinki was not aware of anything, as Minho clung to him tightly, burying his face against Jinki’s hair.
Minho sobbed loudly, his arms wrapped tightly around Jinki’s body. His eyes were red when he felt Jinki go still in his arms, and his tears dried up. There was a shift, something changed, Minho felt it, the way Jinki twitched one last time and then he went deadly still. He shook Jinki’s arm, but there was no response and everything had gone so still, Minho could no longer feel the wind on his skin. He swallowed and he wanted to cry, he wanted to pretend that nothing had happened.
But Jinki was completely lifeless in his arms, his body felt limp and lax against him. He swallowed and for several moments he just sat there clinging to Jinki’s still body, his eyes watering and he wanted to sob loudly, but no sound came out of his voice. It was as if his voice had dried up, as if he could not speak again. It felt like his voice had left with Jinki’s soul.
After some time he gently picked Jinki up, he moved mechanically not thinking, just moving and acting and he carried Jinki through the apartment. He kissed his brow as he placed him on the bed gently, sweeping back his hair and kissing his cheek before he lay down next to him. He did not want to believe he was dead, but the way he lay there so limply, meant Minho could not lie to himself. His heart felt completely destroyed, and he gazed at Jinki through blurry eyes, his tears falling like raindrops on the other boy’s cheekbones. Minho could not do anything but cling to Jinki and cry silently, the pain inside his chest made him wish he could die right then and there. He had no idea how he was meant to live without Jinki, how he was meant to go on. He wished that his heart would stop beating, it felt so broken he was sure it should stop soon too, how could something so broken keep on beating, keep on living?
*hides* ^^;; will post the next part in a few days... *runs far away* D:
also a note~ I'll probably be editing this at some later date ._. I'm not happy with most of this series. So if there was anything that annoyed you XD in any part of this feel free to comment/email me about it? XDD
good night and sorry.