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fade out - 11/12

Title: fade out - part eleven (11/12)
Author: argh (@ onho)
Rating: PG-15
Length: 6,834 words
Pairing: TofuHo
Summary: Jinki wants to die. :/ So he overdoses...
Warnings: un-betaed. Sorry for the terrible grammar and typos? :/ blegh.

Previous parts: ( one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine | ten )


fade out – part eleven

TofuHo

***

Kibum sighed as he kicked a stone around on the gravel drive; he was completely bored now that Jinki and Minho had left Sunnyside. He glared at the other patients who were sitting or walking around like zombies. He hated how lifeless and dull they were, and most of them were so doped up and out of it. He sneered and rolled his eyes at them as he continued to kick stones around. He had nothing better to do and he missed Jinki and Minho so much. There was no one else decent for him to talk to and he was sick of hassling the doctors and nurses. He sighed and wondered if Jinki was still alive or not. Kibum swallowed, and he felt sad thinking about the fact that Jinki would be dead soon – if he was still alive.

He crouched down and just looked down at the stones, wishing that he could see both of them again. Even though he knew it was hopeless, it was ridiculous; he knew in his heart that he would never see either of them again. He heard a crunching sound and Kibum looked up, his eyes widening as he saw a boy walking up the gravel driveway. Kibum was unable to stop grinning, as he looked at the boy’s clothes, and he thought his hair was cool – the way it was darker brown but at the top it was a golden yellow.

Oh thank god there is a new young patient! Someone for me to talk to! Kibum grinned and he stood up, but then he noticed the guy was by himself. He swallowed, no patients came by themselves. He had been dragged their kicking and screaming. He sighed, and he could remember that Minho had been dropped off by parents who seemed to be arguing and they looked glad to get rid of him. They had never even come to visit him once, which seemed harsh to Kibum.

Maybe he’s here to visit someone, well he is an idiot. Kibum rolled his eyes, sneering at the guy because he was stupid enough to come on a day when visitors weren’t allowed. All the bleach probably ruined his brains. Yeah he’s probably one of those good looking idiots. Kibum sighed and turned away, feeling slightly disappointed that he was not a new patient.

He felt relieved when it was time to go back in and without thinking about it he went straight back to Jinki’s room. It was funny the whole time he had watched Minho stand at the window and stare at the cherry blossoms. Kibum could still remember how he had thought Minho was simple for such a long time, just an idiot who stared out at the trees and blossoms. He had finally got the courage to ask him one day, and found out that it was his friend who loved to look at cherry blossoms. That they made him feel peaceful and relaxed, and so Minho had stood staring at them in the hopes that his friend was okay, hoping that his friend was having a peaceful and relaxing time.

Kibum remembered he had laughed at Minho when he told him, and called him an idiot for thinking such ridiculous things. But now Kibum found himself unable to keep away, unable to stop coming into what was Jinki’s room and standing at the windowsill. The thing he had mocked Minho about – he was now doing himself, and he fervently hoped that Minho and Jinki had had a good day together. He felt a pang of guilt for what he had done, and he hoped things worked out for them. It was obvious that they both liked each other, so Kibum hoped they had at least told each other that.

Kibum was so engrossed at staring out the window; he did not hear the door open. He turned when he heard footsteps and stupidly he felt excited thinking it was Minho or Jinki. He was disappointed when he turned and it was not them, but it was that new guy he had seen earlier. Kibum’s eyes widened in surprise when he saw him dressed as a nurse and he frowned across at him, he looked too young to be a nurse.

“Kibum-ssi right?” The guy smiled pleasantly across at him, “I’m Jonghyun.” Kibum swallowed and took his proffered hand; he did have a cute smile even if he was older than Kibum had thought. He smiled back as he shook the guys hand and he felt flattered that he knew his name.

“Yeah, I’m Kibum.” He smiled back, wondering what the new nurse wanted with him. He swallowed and felt relieved that his medication was working finally. He did not want to make a dick of himself with this cute new nurse. “So you’re a nurse?” He asked tilting his head to the side and smiling gently.

“No.” Jonghyun replied and Kibum frowned across at him confused, “I’m a volunteer.” He grinned, “It’s like community service.” He shrugged, “Something we have to do at my school.” He shrugged again and smirked, as Kibum’s eyes widened in surprise. “I just started today; and I’ll be here for three months, so I hope we can get to know each other?” He smiled and Kibum just blinked at him and then Jonghyun groaned softly, “Sorry I’m talking too much aren’t I? I always seem to do that.”

“It’s okay.” Kibum nodded his head offering a soft smile, “It’s just most people aren’t here don’t talk much.” He shrugged casually, his fingers resting on the windowsill. Jonghyun looked out the window and around the room, frowning slightly as he studied it.

“This isn’t your room is it?” Jonghyun asked softly, “There is nothing in here... and the doc said you were further down the corridor.”

“No.” Kibum pursed his lips together, “No it’s not my room, so fucking what.” He snapped, “I like this room, and it’s not disturbing anyone if I’m in here. Why did you come to talk to me anyways?” Kibum asked with a slight frown, “There is some ulterior motive right?”

“No.” Jonghyun gulped softly and shook his head, “No, Doctor Song and Doctor Lee just suggested I come and talk to you because they said you’d lost your friends recently.” Jonghyun bit his lip, realising he had said too much when he saw Kibum stiffen and glare more. “And... and... you were the only young person I saw so I wanted to meet you.”

*

At first Minho was not sure why he kept lying there next to Jinki’s lifeless body, and he found himself crying again. His tears soaking Jinki’s hair as he spooned the boy’s body. He found himself wracked with so much grief that he lost track of everything around him, he was not aware of anything but his sadness and Jinki. After what felt like hours his tears dried up and he swallowed as he slowly circled Jinki’s waist, his hands moving softly, across his skin, he knew it was weird and strange but it comforted him. He never wanted to move, although logically he knew he had to some point in time.

He shut his eyes and smiled slightly, he could almost pretend Jinki was alive. He lifted one hand up and slowly slid it up the boy’s ribcage, wishing he didn’t feel so limp in his arms. He wished it was all a dream and that Jinki was still alive, that he was still there, not dead at all. He pressed his hand down firmer against Jinki’s ribcage, pressing it where his heart should be, his heart which had stolen Minho’s. Minho frowned and then his eyes widened and he paused, shocked for a few moments. He sighed heavily realising that he was dreaming because he was sure he could feel a heartbeat. He didn’t think it could be real, so he just shook his head slowly deciding that he must be dreaming. In a matter of moments he would wake up and find Jinki still lying there dead.

Minho lay there clutching Jinki tightly, snuggling against him until he felt some movement as if Jinki was stirring against him. He opened his eyes and told himself to stop dreaming, to wake up from his dream, because it was just too cruel. But then Jinki was moving, wriggling and twitching against Minho, and he found himself staring into scared brown eyes. Minho stopped breathing for a second, and he was stunned as he gazed into the beautiful depths of Jinki’s eyes. They were the most beautiful thing he had ever seen – more beautiful than any sunset or sunrise. The soft shade of brown, which gradually darkened towards the iris, it was mesmerising and Minho could not stop staring. Jinki blinked and moaned softly, his limbs trembling slightly and he snuggled against Minho’s chest.

“Oh god.” Jinki panted, “It hurts so much!” He looked so pained and Minho held him tighter, glad that Jinki did not mind the closeness. “I thought… it was the end.” He nodded his head slowly, “I didn’t expect to wake up.” He smiled slightly, looking calmer than he had moments earlier. “Thank you for staying here with me.” Jinki bit his lip and he looked serious for a moment, “I still feel scared…” He admitted a moment later, “but if I survive tonight we have to watch the sunrise okay!”

“Of course.” Minho managed a smile, hoping that in the dark Jinki could not see how swollen and red his eyes were. “Of course, and I’ll be right here. We should sleep soon.” Minho nodded and then his stomach let out a loud growl, and he felt embarrassed as he realised they had not even eaten dinner. Jinki’s eyes widened and he looked so amused as Minho’s stomach let out another noise. “Oh.” Minho glanced down nervously, “Maybe we should eat... I guess I am hungry... do you think there is food in the house.” He felt like an idiot for forgetting about dinner but the way Jinki smiled across at him made him feel a bit better.

“I have no idea.” Jinki frowned and he tried to get up, but Minho ended up helping him to sit up. He seemed exhausted and so weak. Part of Minho wanted to take him out to eat, but then seeing how weak he looked he wondered if that was practical or not. “I know it’s crazy... but I’d like to go out and eat.” Jinki mumbled, “there is a restaurant close to here... we could just go there.” He suggested, “I know I’m not exactly in the best shape but I should be able to make it there.”

*

Minho felt strangely happy as Jinki leaned against him heavily and they made their way slowly down to the restaurant. Minho knew it was insane to be happy, but with Jinki’s arm around his shoulder, and the way he leaned against him, it made his heart pitter patter in his chest. He sighed and smiled as he opened the door, and a little bell rang as they entered. It was a warm and cosy restaurant, Minho liked the atmosphere, there was lots of laughter and all the staff smiled brightly at them.

They sat side by side and Minho leaned on his elbow as he watched Jinki, he could not help but smile as he saw him bite into his lip, trying to choose what to eat. He reminded him of a little kid – the way he smiled so brightly and wriggled his hands around, it was incredibly cute, and Minho could remember his little cousin acting like that. He glanced up and Minho looked away, embarrassed at being caught staring at him. He swallowed and took a sip of his drink until he felt Jinki tugging on his arm.

“What should I order for us.” He sighed, “What do you want to eat?” He asked Minho, cocking his head to the side, “I can’t just order chicken; you have to choose something too!” He added shoving the menu at Minho, making the taller boy laugh.

“What are we getting so far?” Minho asked feeling amused as Jinki pointed at the menu, and he could see that everything so far was chicken. “Hm, what about pork or beef, they’re tasty too.” He added with a nod of his head, and Jinki smiled so warmly up at Minho it hurt. His smile was so sweet, so tender and beautiful; he wished he could see that smile every day. He really wished there was some way to never let this time end, he wished they could stay like this forever.

“Minho, what are you thinking about...” Jinki asked poking Minho in the cheek with his finger, “You’ve been sitting there staring at the wall for some time now.” Minho blinked and shook his head, smiling when he saw how Jinki had perked up from earlier. He figured it was the abundance of chicken; he smiled as Jinki picked up his chopsticks and began to attack one of the many chicken dishes again.

“I was just thinking about stuff.” Minho sighed, how was he meant to tell Jinki what he was thinking about. He did not want to freak him out – he did not want to let him know how he felt about him. “How much fun we’ve had today, I wish it did not have to end.” He sighed and picked up his chopsticks leaning across and nabbing the piece of chicken Jinki was about to grab.

“Hey!” Jinki frowned and he desperately tried to grab it from Minho, “that’s my piece of chicken!” He whined, his hand flying up to recover it, but Minho just lifted his chopsticks to his mouth to eat it. Jinki was determined and he tried to pinch it, but he knocked the piece of chicken so it fell on the table. Jinki laughed triumphantly as he picked it up. He smirked but Minho leaned forward as if he was going to take it from Jinki’s mouth with his teeth and he ended up right in Jinki’s face, surprising the older boy completely. Jinki gulped as he sat there frozen, barely chewing on his mouthful of chicken. Minho gulped and then pulled back, realising that he had probably freaked the other boy out.

“Sorry.” Minho mumbled, “I didn’t mean to.” He added rubbing at his face and he avoided Jinki’s gaze, “I was not really thinking sorry.” He felt bad and for a moment he wondered if he had messed up things between them, if he had ruined Jinki’s trust. He felt like such an idiot for not thinking and just leaning in as if to kiss Jinki. “I’m really sorry.” He added pouting down at the table.

“It’s... okay I just did not expect that.” Jinki blinked and he picked at his rice, feeling his heart thumping weirdly in his chest. It scared him how erratically his heart would beat – at times it seemed to go so fast and other times it seemed to slow down. He breathed in deep and sipped his tea, he was surprised but somehow he had not minded Minho getting so close. He felt so confused and weird; he could not understand his own feelings or make sense of them.

“Sorry.” Minho mumbled and he shyly looked across at Jinki, surprised to see that he was smiling across at him warmly. “I kind of don’t know why I did it either...” Minho admitted sheepishly, “sometimes I’m too competitive,” he sighed, “I uh just did not like you getting the chicken from me!” He blushed as he picked up a piece of beef and ate it.

“Oh I guess.” Jinki grinned and then said, “Well its okay. Do you think I should talk to Taemin, I was thinking I could phone him.” He frowned and then smiled as Minho nodded his head immediately. “I thought maybe it would be nice to talk to him, and say goodbye.” He gulped and nodded his head slowly, not seeing the pain that filled Minho’s eyes.

*

Jinki sighed and tried not to look out at the balcony, where Taemin and Minho sat talking. His cousin had insisted on coming over, but as soon as he arrived he had pretty much gone and talked to Minho on the balcony. Jinki’s heart felt so heavy and sore as he saw Taemin’s bright smile and the way his thin arms clung to Minho. He bit down into his lip and pressed a hand to his chest, wishing the pain would go away right then and there. He felt bad for wanting to break the relationship between the two, he felt guilty for wishing that Minho liked him not Taemin.

He got up and walked slowly into the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water, he was starting to feel very weary and exhausted. He figured he might as well go to bed, it was obvious Minho and Taemin were more interested in each other. He mumbled a soft goodbye to them and then started to head to his bedroom. He could not bear to look out at the balcony and see them hugging again it just hurt too much. He knew he should be happy he had at least spent a day with Minho, a sweet day where he could pretend that maybe he liked him back even if in reality he did not.

*

“Hyung.” Taemin pressed his hand to Minho’s arm lightly, “Why haven’t you told him yet!” He frowned and looked annoyed, “You need to tell him how you feel!” He scolded the older boy, “Jinki-hyung needs to know that someone cares about him and likes him before he dies. You have to tell him!” He repeated, ignoring the way Minho scowled across at him.

“But I don’t want to freak him out or burden him, and he doesn’t even like guys. Won’t it make him view me the same as the bullies?” He sighed heavily, “How can I tell him I like him? He won’t believe since we only met a short time ago. It’s insane. And what good will it do? I don’t want Jinki to feel bad or guilty in his last few hours.”

“Minho-hyung, trust me, you need to tell him!” He murmured and leaned forward smiling as he hugged him tightly. “Trust me hyung, I think you’ll regret it if you don’t tell him.” Taemin sighed as he pulled back, “So after I leave, you better tell him! And I feel bad; we should go and spend time with hyung. But before we go back in – promise me you’ll tell him okay!”

“Um.” Minho sighed, and Taemin frowned poking him in the arm. “Okay fine I promise I’ll tell him.” He pouted, “If it makes him feel bad then it’s your fault.” He pointed at Taemin, feeling butterflies in his stomach.

*

“Sorry hyung!”

Jinki blinked as he looked up from the kitchen, and he forced himself to smile as he saw Taemin and Minho standing there. He shrugged and turned back to the sink, turning the tap on and concentrating as he filled up his glass. It had to better than watching them together; it hurt too much to see them together. He sighed and wondered how he could persuade them to just go and leave him to die alone.

Jinki’s eyes widened when he felt arms around him, and he met Minho’s gaze, it was warm and caring. Jinki sighed again as he felt Taemin hug him tighter, and Minho just watched the cousins hug fondly. He shut his eyes and patted Taemin’s back lightly, feeling slightly awkward and out of place. He wished he had gone to bed earlier and avoided this awkwardness completely.

“I had to tell Minho-hyung something.” Taemin smiled as he pulled back from Jinki, glancing over meaningfully at Minho, “But it’s all sorted now.” He grinned brightly and nodded head. “I’m going to miss you so much.” His smile faded slightly and he reached out and patted Jinki’s arm lightly, “I uh didn’t tell my mum I was coming here because I knew she would want to come too. I’m really going to miss you hyung!”

“Taemin...” Jinki swallowed and he felt so sad, “I’m really sorry.” He mumbled, “Ah Aunty doesn’t know you’re here? You better go soon – Minho can take you home.” He added, forcing himself to smile again, like it did not matter. He did not see the way Minho stiffened and frowned, “It’s not safe for you to go by yourself. It’s probably better this way too – I don’t want anyone to see me dying.”

“Hyung!” Taemin groaned and shook his head immediately, “No, I’ll be fine, I don’t need Minho-hyung to come. I’m fine by myself.” He smiled and nodded his head, “it’s more important for him to stay here with you.” He nodded his head eagerly, and Jinki just frowned across at him, wondering why his cousin was being so difficult.

“No, he should go with you.” Jinki retaliated, nodding his head firmly, and Minho sighed softly.

“No, you should not be on your own hyung! Minho should stay and keep you company!” Taemin replied quickly, and Jinki frowned and began to shake his head.

“No Taemin! But it’s not safe for you to go home alone!”

“No, no Minho-hyung stays!”

“No Minho goes with you!”

“No!”

Jinki and Taemin continued to bicker about it until Minho could no longer stand it and he walked over and touched then both lightly on the arm. To his relief it had the desired effect and they both shut up, and glanced curiously over at him wondering what Minho wanted.

“No.” Minho frowned and crossed his arms in front of his chest. “No I’m staying right here.” He added in a firm tone, ignoring how Jinki opened his mouth to protest and Taemin smiled smugly, poking his tongue out at his cousin. “Jinki-hyung, I want to be here for you, I’m not going anywhere. Even if you’re sick of me and hate me – I’m not going anywhere.” He shrugged, “I refuse to let you die alone. I refuse to leave you alone right now.”

“And,” Taemin smirked and he looked across at Minho intently, “I’m sure Minho-hyung has something important to tell you.” Jinki felt his heart clench painfully as he looked across and saw the way Taemin meaningfully looked at Minho. Ah he wants him to tell me that they’re together, ugh there is no point I already know they are. Ah why am I being so silly, why does this feel so painful? It’s stupid for me to feel this way! I’m such a moron.

“Yeah I guess so.” Minho cleared his throat and he sounded slightly uncomfortable, “But we can talk later... hyung you should spend some time with Taemin.” He suggested with a light smile, and he hugged Taemin lightly before walking into the kitchen to give them some space.

Jinki swallowed and forced himself to smile across at Taemin, but he felt genuinely happy when Taemin hugged him tightly. When he pulled away he grabbed Jinki’s arm lightly and pulled him down onto the couch so they were side by side. He kept touching Jinki’s wrist lightly and his arm, and Jinki smiled fondly across at his cousin.

“Hyung, you know Minho-hyung is very sweet.” Taemin said with a slight nod of his head and a smile, “He always took such good care of me at school. He’s really very caring!” Jinki just smiled and nodded his head, wondering why exactly Taemin was telling him this. “He’ll do anything for someone he cares about, and Jinki-hyung, I think it’s great that he’s here with you.”

“Oh okay.” Jinki shifted feeling uncomfortable, he felt as if Taemin was trying to tell him that he trusted Jinki with his boyfriend or something. “Thank you Taemin.” He added seconds later, figuring he should thank him for being so understanding. He leaned forward and just hugged Taemin lightly, he felt guilty for leaving his cousin behind but it was too late to change anything.

*

Minho touched Jinki’s arm lightly, moving to sit beside him on the couch, “Hyung, was it good to see Taemin?” He asked with a tender smile, and he could see that Jinki looked upset. “I guess it was hard to say goodbye to him.” He pouted and leaned in to hug Jinki, “Don’t be sad hyung.” He whispered as he hugged Jinki lightly. Minho had sat in the kitchen and out on the balcony for several hours while the cousins had talked. Every so often he peeked in and smiled when he saw them hugging often and both of them talking and smiling happily.

“Yeah, yeah it was good to see him,” He sighed softly, “I regret it Minho. I regret it so much, why Minho was I such a coward? Why did I try to kill myself? I feel like it was the worst thing I could have decided to do – I mean why did I choose the cowards way out. So stupid.” He sighed heavily, and bit his lip, the only good thing to come out of this is that I met you.

“Hyung, you felt like it was the only thing left to do right?” Minho reassured Jinki, pulling back so he could see Jinki’s face but leaving his hands resting lightly on the other boy’s waist. Jinki nodded his head, it had felt like it was the only thing to do, but now it just felt cowardly and like the stupid option. “It’s not the coward’s option, hyung and I mean if you did not do that then I would never have met you.” Minho swallowed, “I’m so glad I met you, and it’s too late to regret anything.”

“I also regretted my suicide attempt too.” Minho sighed, “I overdosed on sleeping tablets too.” He stroked his fingers lightly along the hem of Jinki’s shirt, “I regretted my attempt until the last few weeks.” He admitted and he glanced down, feeling shy and embarrassed when Jinki looked across curiously at Minho. Jinki wondered what had happened in the last few weeks to make Minho feel that way.

“You did, and yet your fine.” Jinki sighed, “So we did the same thing – but mine had dire consequences. Maybe I took more than you.” He frowned and sighed, shifting closer to Minho, “Well it does not matter, but why did you stop regretting it?” He couldn’t help but lean into the touch when Minho’s fingers stroked against his back, and it reminded him of the past. When he was a child, and he was sick, and his mother would hold him like that, and stroke his back in the same way Minho was. He swallowed and shut his eyes feeling dizzy, smiling sweetly. It was such a comforting touch, and it made him remember happier times when his parents were still together.

“You came, hyung.” Minho sounded embarrassed and Jinki opened one eye, glancing over and he was surprised to see that the other boy was too embarrassed to meet his gaze. “And I realised regretting it would only make me feel worse.” He shrugged, “So I decided to stop regretting my actions and things that happened in the past.” He pulled back and stopped touching Jinki’s body, and he half turned away from him, and Jinki pouted slightly, Minho made him feel comforted and safe.

“Oh.” Jinki felt embarrassed and he scratched his head, “I thought it would be about Taemin.” He muttered softly, “I regret it because I’m going to die soon. I just realised that there are so many things I wanted to do before I died, and I’ll never have the chance to do any of them. I’ve... never kissed anyone before.” Jinki shifted uncomfortably, “I’m going to die without ever knowing how it feels to kiss someone, or how love feels. And I wanted to visit so many places... but oh well.”

“Hyung, it’s okay.” Minho sighed and he looked back at Jinki, “I’ll try to do as many things as possible for you.” He smiled and Jinki yawned softly, suddenly realising that he felt so tired. “I know it’s not the same but it’s the best I can do.” Minho sighed, “Maybe we should go to bed? You wanted to wake up and see the sunrise? It’s been a big day, and we have to wake up early to catch the sunrise.”

“Mmm yeah we should. Minho thank you so much, you’ve been here the whole time.” Jinki swallowed and nodded his head reaching for the other boy’s hand. “I’m sorry for being all over the place with you, I’m sorry for being so needy and clingy. But you make me feel safe.” He paused and sucked in a deep breath as he felt Minho’s hand pat his back gently. Minho made him feel so calm and safe, it was strange and made no sense but he was glad, it felt good to feel safe.

“Hyung, honestly it’s fine. I could have been discharged a few days ago, but I asked to stay because of you. I asked to be discharged at the same time as you. Don’t be sorry, I wanted to be here with you.” He nodded his head, and smiled as Jinki stared up at him looking surprised. “Rest hyung, you never know you might have most of tomorrow too, so rest now.” He added with a nod, and then they got up slowly, and Jinki leaned against Minho as they walked into the bedroom, he felt so weak and slightly dizzy. He wondered if he was even going to make it to the morning.

Jinki did not bother to undress he just climbed into his double bed, pulling the covers up and he eyed Minho, wondering what he should do. There was a single bed, but part of him felt like it would be nicer if Minho was in the double bed with him, but then the other part of him was worrying about that. Minho made him feel safe, but he still was not sure if he could cope sleeping in the same bed. But as soon as he lay down, and the light was turned out, Jinki felt nervous.

He could feel the thrum of his heart, he was so aware of it beating, and his limbs felt heavy and exhausted. He swallowed and felt so terrified; he sat up and turned the bedside lamp on, biting his lip as he glanced over at Minho. It had felt so comforting when he had woken up earlier and Minho was right there, it made him feel less alone. The taller boy blinked and glanced across at Jinki, the sheets sliding down as he sat up in the single bed.

“Hyung.”

“I’m scared.” Jinki admitted and he swallowed, shivering slightly, he felt like an idiot as Minho climbed out of the bed and came over. “Thank you.” Jinki whispered, lifting the blankets so that Minho could slide in beside him. “Sorry... I’m just scared.” Jinki added a moment later, wriggling in the bed until Minho was right beside him and he slid closer until he could feel the warmth radiating from the other boy. Cautiously Jinki reached out and grabbed hold of Minho, resting his head against his chest, but keep his lower body as far away as possible.

“It’s okay.” Minho murmured moments later, and he touched Jinki’s waist lightly, watching his reaction, smiling when he saw that Jinki was fine with it. He hugged him and stroked his back softly, “Don’t be scared I’m right here.” He whispered, watching as Jinki shut his eyes slowly, looking slightly happier and less frightened.

Jinki nodded his head and slowly rolled around so that Minho was almost spooning him. He swallowed and leaned back against Minho’s firm chest. He smiled and shut his eyes feeling less scared knowing that Minho was right there, right there with him. Minho’s arms came around and he hugged Jinki tightly, trying to reassure him.

“Minho… is it okay if we sleep like this?” Jinki bit his lip squeezing his eyes shut as he waited for the other boy to answer.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Minho sounded half asleep, and he smiled softly, feeling glad he made Jinki feel safe. He sighed heavily and he loosened his grip on Jinki, letting his hands rest lightly against his stomach. He smiled as he felt Jinki place his hands over his, and it felt so good he didn’t want to ever move.

*

“Oh god, it hurts so much. This is insane, I’ve known you a week… a week.” Minho paused burying his face in Jinki’s hair, “And I don’t want to lose you. I can’t bear the thought of losing you.” He whispered softly, his lips moving against Jinki’s hair, “I wish you did not have to die, I wish you could live on.” He nodded his head slowly.

“I think… I love you Jinki-hyung. Even though there is no way you could love me, I know that… but I can’t help myself.” He shuddered and shut his eyes, “So pathetic but I can’t help it, I can’t help but love you.” He sighed heavily, “This is crazy I should sleep we have to get up soon for the sunrise, but I don’t want to sleep, I want to just lie here with you.”

Minho kissed the nape of Jinki’s neck softly, wishing he could press kisses to his cheek and forehead. He felt feverish and completely insane but his heart would not stop racing. And he knew what he felt was genuine, he never wanted to let go of Jinki. He wondered how his feelings could have developed so fast but figured it did not matter because it would be gone just like this. His love would not be gone, but Jinki would be gone soon.

“Minho...”

Minho tensed as he heard Jinki’s sleepy voice and he wondered if he had heard anything, he prayed so hard that he hadn’t. Even though he promised Taemin, it still seemed wrong to tell Jinki how he felt. He swallowed and pretended to be asleep cursing as he felt Jinki turning in his arms. The older boy poking his cheek lightly, and tapping his jaw, until Minho could not take it anymore and he opened his eyes, avoiding his gaze.

“Minho… did you mean it?” Jinki asked looking strangely happy and surprised, and Minho sighed and nodded his head slowly. “You… love me?” Jinki asked a moment later, swallowing as Minho sighed again and then nodded his head. “Oh.” Minho looked up cautiously surprised when he saw the soft smile across Jinki’s face.

“Oh.” Jinki repeated a moment later, “I uh… really like you too.” He confessed a moment later, “I didn’t think you could like me that way… but what about Taemin?” He swallowed, “And it’s hard for me, after you know.” He glanced across at Minho slowly nodded his head. “I’m scared to do anything, I want to feel loved but I don’t.” He shook his head slowly, “Crazy I know.”

“It’s not crazy.” Minho could feel his heart racing and he could not stop smiling, “I love you, and I don’t think it’s crazy, and what about Taemin?” Minho frowned looking confused.

“Aren’t you going out with him?” Jinki asked carefully, “Isn’t he your boyfriend?”

“What?” Minho sounded so shocked, “No! It’s you that I love not Taemin, it’s you that I like, not your cousin.” Minho smiled sweetly across at Jinki, “No one else but you. I’d do anything for you, hyung.” He swallowed, “I just want you to feel love – in an innocent way.” He added just to clarify, “I just want you to feel loved. I really love you hyung, I know it’s weird but I do, Taemin wanted me to tell you but I didn’t want to burden you.”

“Oh.” Jinki smiled shyly, “yeah, I know it’s sad to die a virgin… but I uh don’t think I could… cope with sex.” He gulped and Minho tensed next to him. “Kibum asked me about it, but yeah.” He shuddered slightly, “I don’t know… if I could ever do that with anyone.” He nodded his head slowly, “It’s probably for the best that I’m dying, you would not want to go out with a freak like me.”

Minho frowned and he reached for Jinki’s hand squeezing it tightly, “Hyung, you’re not a freak. And don’t say that, I’d do anything if it meant that you kept on living.” He sucked in a deep breath and Jinki realised that he was crying, silent tears sliding down his cheeks. Jinki swallowed and wiped at his tears with his fingers, feeling his heart ache so badly. He wanted to comfort Minho; he wished he could tell him it was going to be okay.

Jinki swallowed and without thinking he just leaned forward and kissed Minho gently, squeezing his eyes shut as he pressed his lips to the other boys. He shivered slightly as he felt Minho’s hand slide around his neck, holding him lightly. He gasped softly when he pulled back moments later, but then felt himself leaning in again to capture Minho’s lips in between his own. Jinki was not sure what had overcome him, but it seemed right. He had wanted to kiss someone before he died, and he wanted it to be someone he loved.

He moaned softly as they deepened the kiss and it felt so good. Jinki felt so happy and but also sad as they kissed more. His fingers curling into Minho’s hair and he slid his body right up against Minho’s, and when he pulled back he could feel Minho’s heart beating against his ribcage. It felt so fast, and Jinki felt even more surprised when he felt his own, and he realised they were both beating so fast.

“Hyung, hyung, I love you.” Minho whispered pressing his lips to Jinki’s face, and he shivered as the taller boy covered his face in soft tender kisses. It felt so good and he swallowed feeling so loved, and Jinki realised he could die with no regrets. He sighed and hugged Minho tightly, feeling happy that he had felt love before he died, and that he had met Minho.

“I love you too, Minho.” Jinki whispered slowly nodding his head and clinging to him. His heart was racing faster and faster but he knew it was only a matter of time before it stopped completely. He tilted his face up and kissed Minho again, with as much passion and love as he could, conscious that it could be his last kiss or his last act, and he wanted Minho to know how much he loved him.

*

Minho smiled when he woke up, and he leaned over and kissed Jinki’s cheek lightly, shaking the older boy, “Hyung wake up, we need to get up for the sunrise!” He frowned when there was no response, and Minho shook him harder. It was only when he stopped shaking him that he noticed how stiff Jinki’s body was. Minho frowned and he whispered, “Hyung!”

His eyes widened as he realised that Jinki looked different, and when he pressed his hand to his ribcage, he felt nothing. There was no beating heart; there was nothing to indicate he was alive. Jinki’s limbs and body were so stiff and rigid, and Minho felt his eyes tearing up as he realised that it was too late. Jinki was gone, his heart had stopped beating and his soul had departed this world. He began to sob loudly and he shook Jinki’s stiff lifeless body, screaming “No! No! No!” over and over again, his heart felt like it was being smashed with a thousand hammers. The pain was so intense that he was not sure how he would ever get over it, and his tears rolled down his cheeks continually.

It felt so cruel that Jinki was gone; it felt so wrong that he was dead. But he was, and there was absolutely nothing that Minho could do about it. He checked for his pulse, a heartbeat a million times. Placing his hand over his mouth to see if he was breathing, but there was nothing. He looked paler than usual, and his body was stiff – rigor mortis had started to set in. Minho felt bad for falling asleep; he felt he should’ve been there when it happened. But now it was too late, and Minho just howled and sobbed as he clutched and shook the body of his love. He felt so empty and head - half of his heart and soul had gone to, Minho felt like a broken person. He felt like half a person, there was nothing for him to live for anymore.

***

dfhsdfds.... dfkhgfjdg *runs* D: I will post the epilogue soon too (it is the shortest part I think? XDDD)
and ._. yeah hate me if you want to~ it's fine. I was prepared for that :/

Oh and yeah if there is anything you dislike in this (typos/errors/grammar mistakes/whatever) please feel free to point them out? I'm really sleepy and I probably missed a heap of things ._.

♥ feel free to hate me /^^
Tags: !fanfic, !series, author: argh, pairing: tofuho, rating: pg-15
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