Author: argh (@ onho)
Length: 4,787 words
Pairing: TofuHo (slight OnKey)
Summary: Jinki wants to die. :/ So he overdoses...
Oh and Happy Birthday to someone who has their birthday today! ;D ♥
And thanks kimchifuu for the beta~ ilu ♥.
Previous parts: ( one | two | three | four )
fade out – part five
Jinki found that the second and third days passed by relatively fast; he found himself getting set into a routine. It wasn’t very exciting, but for most of the day, he found himself either in his bed, with Kibum and Minho on either side of him. Kibum would chatter away animatedly and they would listen to him, and Jinki would sometimes comment. Otherwise, he found himself just lying in his bed, watching Minho stare out the window, and usually in the afternoons the doctor came to have a chat to him. And on the third day he had another attack, but this time it left him feeling incredibly weak and miserable.
So that he spent the rest of the day in bed, and by the fourth day he already felt sick to death of his room. Even with the hour outside, it had not been long enough; he still felt restless. He sighed and got up slowly, not wanting to trip up again in front of Minho. The younger boy always looked so serious, but somehow Jinki felt his presence comforting. It didn’t matter that he didn’t speak, Jinki felt less alone just knowing that he was there. He also liked how Minho didn’t expect anything from him, and he felt no pressure being with him.
Everyday he wondered what it was that caused Minho to stand and stare out of his window for hours and hours. He knew what was outside of his window, a tree and grass, but he didn’t understand what was so captivating about it. It made him curious, so by the fourth day, he found himself walking over to the windowsill as soon as Minho appeared in his room. Instead of studying Minho, he stared out the window, taking in all that he could see. It was strange, the view from his window seemed different than when he first looked out. It seemed brighter than he remembered which made him feel weird; he was used to seeing everything as being dull, not bright.
The tree was still covered in spring blossoms, and like the first day, he watched as the petals floated down softly with the wind. They were a pale pink colour, and they fluttered down to the ground, looking like small pink fairies somehow. He blinked down in surprise; he thought the flowers had been paler, almost white or colourless. But now they looked shades of soft pretty pinks. Somehow, watching them flutter down made him feel relaxed and less restless than he had felt just lying on his bed.
The grass looked a fresh and vibrant green on the ground, and to Jinki’s eyes, the sky looked a soft blue, with soft white looking clouds scattered across the sky. The colours were much brighter and vibrant than he remembered; he sucked in a deep breath, deciding that the view from his room was quite peaceful and pretty. The way the petals floated down to the ground, it looked so relaxing and beautiful, and it made him feel better watching them turn and dance in the wind. Even just standing there made him feel less bored than he had earlier.
He swallowed as he felt Minho’s shoulder brush against his skin, his heart pounding as he gazed down at the tree. Its boughs stretched up towards the sun, and he found himself staring at the cherry blossoms that covered its branches. Taking in how delicate the petals looked, and the faint pink colour. He felt mesmerised as he watched the petals fall in the breeze. And without really thinking, he opened the window, pushing it as far open as it would go.
Feeling Minho’s fingers brush against his arm, he turned to look at the taller boy and smiled, seeing how happy Minho looked. Jinki stared as he saw Minho leaning out of the window, his hands splayed out in the breeze, and when he pulled his hand in, he had a cherry blossom petal resting on his palm. He smiled warmly and held it up for Jinki to look at closely. Jinki blinked down at it, and he opened his mouth to speak, but Minho grabbed his hand. His fingers were slightly calloused against his wrist, but he held it so gently that Jinki wasn’t sure what to think. He felt a little dizzy as Minho’s warm hand continued to hold his wrist, and his eyes widened as he realised he had caught a petal too. He almost felt proud as he showed it to Minho, but the taller boy smiled and then motioned for Jinki to put the petal in his other hand. Jinki frowned and then did what he was told, and then Minho was thrusting his hand out again into the cool breeze.
Feeling the cool breeze against his skin and the warmth of Minho’s hand around his wrist, Jinki realised he felt something deep inside his chest. It was a strange sensation, and his heart felt like it was beating funny, like it was beating faster all of a sudden. It scared him, and he went to snatch his hand away, but Minho held his wrist tightly, and so Jinki found himself unable to escape the grasp. He sucked in a deep breath and tried to ignore the warmth filling his chest and his funny heartbeat. He bit his lip as turned to look up at Minho, and he just smiled down at him again.
When Jinki had three petals in his hand, he was surprised when Minho released his wrist. Jinki hated to admit it but he almost missed the boys touch. He wanted to rub at his wrist where Minho’s warmth had been but felt embarrassed. Instead, he watched wide-eyed as Minho pulled out a notebook from his pocket and a pen. Jinki couldn’t stop staring as he watched him write, smiling as he saw how Minho poked his tongue out the side of his mouth as he concentrated.
Jinki found himself laughing softly. Minho’s expression when he was writing was so funny and so cute. He looked utterly adorable when he was writing, his expression so serious. He looked up and smiled when he saw Jinki laughing, and he thrust the notebook into Jinki’s hands, letting him read his neat writing.
If you catch three cherry blossom petals, you can make a wish and it will come true. So you should make a wish with your petals! And that’s one of the few times I’ve heard you laugh. You should laugh more often, you have such a beautiful laugh hyung.
Jinki smiled almost shyly as he read Minho’s words, and he realised with shock that it was the first time the boy had said anything to him. His heart jumped as he finished reading it, and he found himself re-reading it. He looked up to see Minho looking at him expectantly, and he sighed, wondering what he was meant to wish for.
“What… do I wish for?” Jinki chewed on his lip, to die sooner? Can I wish that? Should I? But somehow it doesn’t feel right to wish for that. I think it has to be something else. Jinki sighed and tapped his fingers against the windowsill, trying to think of what he could wish for. Minho took his notebook back and Jinki watched him writing again.
Hyung, you should wish to live longer. To not die in three days, it’s not right hyung! Minho held the paper out so that Jinki could read it, and he found himself swallowing a lump in his throat. He felt touched that Minho had said that to him, and without really thinking about it, he found himself wishing it. Not because he really wanted to live longer, but simply because Minho wanted him to live longer. It didn’t make sense to him but he found himself wishing it anyways.
He swallowed and leaned on the windowsill, frowning as he stared out the window and he wondered why Minho was so influential to him. He couldn’t understand what was happening to him, he didn’t like it but at the same time he did. It made no sense, he was not doing anything but somehow the presence of Kibum and Minho was affecting him deeply.
Jinki woke up with a start, and he felt something pressing down on his hips. He groaned and opened his eyes, gasping when he saw the silhouette of Kibum hovering over him. He was illuminated by the moon, and Jinki froze as he felt something hard press down against his thigh. Oh god, please no? Please tell me this is just a nightmare and not really happening? Oh god I can’t take this again! Kibum leaned down and covered Jinki’s mouth with his hand, and he pressed his other hand to Jinki’s chest, sliding it between the buttons on his pyjamas to touch his chest.
Jinki was starting to feel more and more uncomfortable and he shuddered slightly as he felt Kibum slowly rocking his hips down against him, and he let out a soft moan. As if the motions filled him with pleasure, and he rubbed at Jinki’s chest, his fingers felt cold against his skin. Jinki whimpered, his eyes watering as he gazed up at Kibum, and he felt revulsion fill him as Kibum thrust down against him again. He groaned, feeling both terrified and sick, as Kibum continued to thrust his hips down with jarring regularity.
“Hyung, have you had sex before?” Kibum practically purred, and Jinki sputtered under his hand, his body starting to tremble as the younger leaned down over him. He wriggled his hips, shifting his body so that his erection could thrust against Jinki’s. Jinki started to tremble more, his throat and mouth freezing up as Kibum sped up his motions, thrusting his hips down, moaning loudly from the pleasure he felt.
“Because hyung, you don’t want to die a virgin, do you?” Kibum smiled and he licked his lips, slowly rotating his hips down against Jinki’s body.
“Kibum… please get off me?” Jinki felt sick hearing Kibum’s moans; he felt nauseous from the way Kibum moved above him. The feel of his erection against him, made him feel so disgusting and dirty, and he wished he had the strength to push him away. He wished he could just get rid of him, but he felt so powerless as Kibum tugged his pyjama top up, and he moaned as he pressed his hands to Jinki’s chest. He touched Jinki’s torso, and slid his hands down the smooth plane of his stomach. Each touch made Jinki’s skin crawl, and he just wished his heart would give out completely.
“Please… get off me?” When Kibum’s hands inched lower, almost pressing down into his pyjama pants. Jinki felt like he was going to vomit. “Kibum, please?” Jinki pleaded shaking so violently, even though that seemed to encourage Kibum even more. Jinki felt his eyes watering, as Kibum’s cold fingers continued to poke and prod at his body, and the whole time he continued to thrust his hips down, the thrusts getting rougher and rougher, until it was physically hurting him.
“Hyung, please, I know you want me.” Kibum smirked as he traced his fingers up Jinki’s chest, taking his violent shudders as being pleasure related. Unaware that Jinki’s mouth was filled with vomit, and every touch made him skin crawl. He felt so dirty as Kibum pressed his hand into his pyjama pants, and he twitched, trying to keep him away. It made him feel so nauseous when Kibum grasped his limp cock; he just wanted to die as he curled his fingers around his length.
Kibum arched his head back, moaning loudly as he came. Jinki’s teeth chattered and he swallowed the vomit down, still feeling incredibly nauseous and just disgusting. He wept silently, his tears rolling fatly down his cheeks, and did not notice Kibum lowering his pyjama pants. He felt so broken and abused and disgusting, and so lost in his thoughts he did not realise what Kibum was doing until too late.
Jinki’s eyes jerked open, and he tried to protest but Kibum pressed himself into Jinki’s mouth, groaning softly as he pushed his cock deeper into his mouth. Jinki gagged, feeling his vomit coming back up, as the bitter taste of Kibum’s cock, and the nasty taste of him filled his mouth. He sobbed around his cock, feeling so weak and sick as Kibum commanded him to suck. But it was not Kibum’s voice or words he heard, he shuddered as he did as he was told.
Suck you fucking slut! Suck harder, oh yeah, that’s how I like it baby! Come on, you dirty slut, I know you love this so don’t pretend otherwise... Oh yeah, oh yeah…
It felt like forever that he was being choked by Kibum’s cock, but in reality it was only minutes. When Kibum finally pulled out, Jinki’s eyes were completely red and swollen, and he just sobbed, rolling into his pillow. He was so out of it as Kibum dressed and left his room, but Jinki felt so completely broken and destroyed. He felt so violated and so sick from what Kibum had done. He wished he could just die right then and there, that he could be put out of his misery.
He didn’t manage to sleep after that and he couldn’t stop rocking himself for comfort although it did not work. Images kept coming to his mind and he shook violently in his bed. Images flooded his brain, little flashes of things that had hurt him in the past and he started to feel unsure of them. Jinki was unsure if he was dreaming or if it was really happening again, he shivered and continued to toss and turn. He knew he had been right all along, he was suspended in some nasty cycle, he was starting to worry that even in death he would not escape such a vicious cycle.
Jinki shut his eyes as he felt Jungmin push him back against the toilet door, he couldn’t help but shake violently as the boy laughed at him. His laughter echoed around the toilet stall, it was such a sneering laughter and it made Jinki feeling sick to his bones. He stepped back, trying to escape but then his hands roughly tugged on his wet hair. He shivered as the disgusting toilet water ran down his face, and he felt so repulsed by himself, and by Jungmin. He wanted to be sick, he wanted to wipe his face but Jungmin’s hands dug into his pinching his skin roughly. The touches made him shudder but not pleasure, but fear and disgust.
“You’re such a fucking dirty freak.” He laughed at Jinki and when he finished speaking, he grabbed his shoulders roughly, jerking him forward. “You’re fucking shaking with desire, aren’t you?” He grinned, as Jinki’s eyes opened and he quickly shook his head. Jungmin growled at his response, his eyes flashing angrily at Jinki felt so terrified, he was so scared even if he knew what came next.
“Don’t fucking lie to me.” Jungmin’s tone deepened and Jinki froze hearing anger in his voice. “You fucking slut.” He slapped Jinki’s face so hard that his head slammed back against the door, and his ears rang, “I’m just giving you what you fucking want. You should be on your fucking knees thanking me!” Jungmin smirked as Jinki’s head rolled against the wall, he felt so disorientated. Each touch made him feel so vile and unclean.
Jinki swallowed deeply and shook his head desperately, he didn’t want this at all. His teeth chattered and he shook his head again, feeling so dizzy, he did not want this. He never wanted it, he felt tears sliding down his cheeks because he knew there was nothing he could do. He was completely powerless against the stronger boy. He was shaking when Jungmin pushed him down onto his knees. Jinki felt like he was choking as Jungmin unzipped his pants, and pulled his erection out.
“Please… no… don’t!” Jinki whispered sounding hysterical and upset, but as he opened his mouth gasping, the other boy shoved his erection into Jinki’s opened mouth. Effectively silencing him, and he dug his nails into Jinki’s scalp, jerking his hips forward and thrusting hard into his mouth. Jinki’s nostrils flared and he struggled to breathe through his nose. He wished he could choke to death or just die, with the other boy thrusting into him painfully. He could not breathe, and his body throbbed painfully as Jungmin thrust his hips hard into his mouth.
He was almost being choked by him, and his head ached from the way the boy slammed his head back against the door with his thrusts. Jinki was struggling to breathe and the feeling of the boy’s cock in his mouth made him feel like being sick. His head swam and he struggled to contain himself, he knew worse things would happen if he was sick. He had found that out the first time it had happened. When the boy finally came, his nasty come filling Jinki’s mouth, and covering his chin, Jinki dry retched. His whole body felt rotten, and diseased. He wish he could scrape his skin off, because it felt like it was crawling with germs, but he knew that even if he scrubbed himself raw it would still be there. The rottenness would still be under his skin, in his mouth.
As soon as he was alone in the toilet, with his head spinning he crawled forward and was sick in the toilet. But it didn’t matter how many times he threw up, he couldn’t get rid of the sick feeling in his chest and heart. The taste was in his mouth, and he shuddered feeling so disgusting. He felt completely tainted and sick He hugged himself and cried hunched over in the toilet stall, wishing he could just erase that from his mind forever. Wishing he could erase the way Jungmin’s hands, and cock felt against him, wishing he could just erase it all.
The next morning, Jinki barely touched his breakfast and he almost choked when Kibum sat down opposite him. Jinki felt like crap, and he just stirred his soup, and poked at his rice. He had no appetite to eat, he felt like throwing up, even the smell of the food made him feel worse. He could feel Minho watching him, and when he looked up he saw the worry in his eyes. Jinki ignored it and just left. He felt disgusting all over. He slipped back into his bed, drawing the covers over his head. He wished that he could just die right then and there.
When Minho came in, and tugged at his sheets, his hands gentle against Jinki’s face, he ignored him. He ignored his attempts to get him to come out. His bed didn’t feel safe but he could still hide under the sheets, he could still ignore everyone from his bed. He later could hear Minho against the windowsill, his hand tapping the glass impatiently, and then he could hear him walking around. All the noise was driving him completely insane and Jinki wanted to scream at him to go away, but he didn’t have the willpower to do it.
He shuddered when he head Kibum’s voice, and when the doctor came in, he had had enough. His irritation was rising and he realised that he didn’t really care what these people thought. He was going to be dead in a few days, and they could all go to hell. He twisted in his sheets, and sighed, hearing the two voices talking about him. Enough was enough, Jinki decided and gnashing his teeth together he finally let his anger out.
“GET THE FUCK OUT!” He shouted from under the covers, “JUST FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!” He added, sucking in deep breaths, and somehow he felt happier. He smiled as Kibum and Joongki shut up. “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM, FUCK OFF!” He reiterated and he felt so much better as he heard everyone leaving him alone. Hearing the door shut and then silence was the best sound ever to him.
The silence however, did not last long because five minutes later a nurse came along and told him that he had to go outside. He sighed heavily, and even though he felt a little dizzy and woozy he followed the nurse outside, even if it was the last thing he wanted to do. He felt bile rising in his throat when he saw Kibum and Minho sitting under the tree, and Kibum waved and smiled at him like nothing was wrong. Jinki felt so dizzy, he thought he was going to faint then and there, but he told himself to be strong.
He ignored Minho’s soft smiles, and Kibum’s energetic waves, and he slowly walked over to a lone bench, nestled under a cherry blossom. Jinki sucked in a deep breath, his chest ached so much as he sat down, with his back to both Minho and Kibum. He could not bear the thought of seeing either of them, Minho had not done anything, but he was friends with Kibum and that was enough to make him sick. I knew it was a mistake to let them close! It’s probably some plan they cooked up, Minho will probably come for his turn tonight! Jinki shivered as he sat there, and he wrapped his arms around his torso, feeling so weak and so cold.
He shuddered and practically jumped when a hand touched his shoulder lightly, his teeth chattering as he saw Minho standing there. He shrank away immediately, sliding along the bench to get away as the taller boy sat down beside him, and Jinki didn’t even see the worry or concern in his eyes. All he saw was a predator, a predatory gleam in Minho’s eyes and he felt like he was going to be sick. His head was spinning so much; he found it hard not to throw up.
Minho reached a hand out and touched his shoulder, and Jinki recoiled again, leaning away from him and then he stood up, trying to escape. Jinki’s legs shook slightly as he stood up, and he glanced over and caught a glimpse of Kibum and then his legs gave out. The only thing that stopped him from slipping to the ground was Minho’s fast reflexes. Jinki shivered continually as Minho slid his arm around Jinki’s waist, and he slowly helped him onto the bench, his hands warm across his back. But Jinki didn’t feel the warmth or gentleness in Minho’s touches, all he could think about was how he was sure Minho wanted to touch him in that way too. It felt like everyone did, it seemed to him that they all wanted one thing from him.
Jinki bit down into his lip and even though he felt weak and dizzy he tried to push Minho away, until he relented and stayed away from Jinki. He pulled out his notebook and began to write him a note, and Jinki just sat there trembling slightly, not even aware that Minho was writing him a note. He squeezed his eyes shut and just wished the dirty feeling would go away. He felt so tainted and disgusted not just because of Kibum but because of the memories and nightmares.
He couldn’t help but flinch when Minho tugged on his shirt and he avoided his gaze as he handed him a note. Reluctantly Jinki read it, Hyung, what’s wrong? Are you okay? You seem really sick and weak today? Did something happen, and I’m not going to hurt you hyung. Why do you keep pushing me away? Jinki-hyung, please tell me what’s wrong?
“No.” Jinki mumbled and he screwed Minho’s note up, “Why do you care anyways? I’m going to be fucking dead soon! So don’t even pretend to care! Don’t pretend you really care, you don’t even fucking know me!” He shook his head and went to stand up again, feeling so pissed off that his stupid body was betraying him because he felt too weak to stand. He turned to see Minho writing another note furiously, which he shoved under his nose frowning.
Hyung, I do care, I don’t want you to die! I really care about you hyung! Jinki frowned across at Minho, to his eyes his expression was not caring, but sinister, like he wanted to pretend to care but actually was trying to trick him, lure him in. Jinki shivered and shook his head, pushing Minho’s hand away roughly, his eyes narrowed down in a glare as he tried to push Minho away from him.
“Just leave me the fuck alone!” Jinki snapped and even though his words were angry, his tone sounded so scared or nervous. “I know what you’re up to! I know that you’re in this with Kibum! You’re both sick! I can’t stand the sight of you!” He muttered, his voice dropping to a shaky whisper and his index finger quivered as he pointed it at Minho. Minho stared in surprise, feeling so confused and then so hurt as Jinki’s words sunk in.
Minho felt tears prick the corners of his eyes, feeling so incredibly sad as he saw Jinki slump forward, tears flowing down his cheeks, and he just wanted to pull him into his arms and hug him. It was obvious something was really troubling him and he just wanted to make him feel better. He inched closer, and tried to hug Jinki, but he pushed him away, gasping loudly, and Minho wanted to cry. He realised that Jinki was very upset and whatever trust he had felt towards Minho was gone, and it hurt. It hurt so much to see Jinki this upset, this miserable.
“Are you okay?”
“No.” Jinki lifted his tear stained face up and just shook his head, his face pale, and then the nurse nodded, “I-I want to go inside.” Jinki sniffed, wiping at his eyes, he hated how weak he felt. How shivery and dirty he felt, he had showered twice already, but the dirt was so deep, no amount of showering would ever get rid of it. He shuddered, “I… feel weak.” He added a moment later, and then the nurse nodded again.
“Okay, I’ll get you a wheelchair.” She smiled and squeezed his shoulder, “I won’t be long.” She muttered before she walked away to get a wheelchair. Jinki swallowed and avoided looking at Minho, even though he could feel his gaze on him. Jinki finally turned to look at him, sighing as he saw how upset and hurt Minho looked. He wiped at his wet eyes, blinking in surprise when he saw the moisture in the corners of Minho’s eyes, and he felt guilty. Maybe… maybe I was wrong? Maybe he is not in it with Kibum? He frowned and then shivered before he shook his head. No, no he’s just pretending! He’s trying to suck me in, no I can’t feel guilty. He must be in on it… he must be. He does not really care… he can’t!
Jinki tried to convince himself, even though his chest ached so badly as he stared at Minho’s sad expression. He swallowed and looked away when the nurse returned with a wheelchair, but his legs shook so much he couldn’t even stand. But he flinched when Minho’s warm fingers clung to him, and he helped him into the wheelchair, brushing back the wet strands of his hair, taking them away from his eyes. He felt so pathetic needing a wheelchair and he wished his body was not so weak. He figured it must be because his body was shutting down, because he was dying.
Minho looked so solemn as Jinki was wheeled away, and Jinki swallowed a lump of pain and he just wished Minho was not involved. He did not want to think about him like that, but at the same time he was so scared that he would wake up and find Minho hovering over him. He shivered and tried not to think about it, because it brought up such strange feelings. He just wished he could die right then and there, that he did not have to worry about any of this. He hated how Minho’s pained face, stayed in his mind, because he knew it was just wrong. He had to believe it was just acting; he had to believe that Minho did not care, because he could not be sucked in.