Author: argh (@ onho)
Length: 4,578 words
Summary: Jinki wants to die. :/ So he overdoses...
Dedication: ryukilla ♥ and thanks to kimchifuu for beta-ing this for me so fast! ♥ you're amazing!
Previous parts: ( one | two | three | four | five | six | seven )
fade out – part eight
The birds woke Jinki up, and he rubbed his eyes sleepily as he heard them singing outside his window. It was the first time he had even noticed that birds sang outside his window, and that bird song could be so beautiful. He yawned and shifted, feeling strange. Something felt different; he opened his eyes and looked around. He gasped as he realised that Minho was still holding his hand, and his head was pressed against the side of his bed. Jinki felt bad as he realised that Minho had slept in a really uncomfortable and awkward position all night. Part of Jinki was singing in harmony with the birds because Minho had really stayed with him the whole night; he had not left him. He swallowed and felt so touched as he looked at Minho, feeling guilty as he thought how uncomfortable he must be.
Jinki did not know if he should disturb him or let him continue to sleep peacefully. He stared down and smiled when he saw how relaxed and content the other boy looked, so he decided that he would just let him sleep. Slowly, he slipped out of the bed and walked across to the window, glancing out at the tree as he tried to spot some of the singing birds. He slid his fingers along the windowsill, sighing as he felt the desire to walk outside. He wished that he could go outside with just Minho, not all the other patients. He thought it would be nice to be out there now, watching the early morning sun with the birds, and just walk with Minho through the grounds. He sighed and turned back to look at Minho, sleeping with a soft smile across his face.
Jinki stayed by the window, watching until he felt a hand press against the small of his back, and he turned to see Minho standing behind him with a soft smile. He swallowed and looked down at the floor, unsure how to act around Minho now. He felt a little awkward and embarrassed after what happened that night. Jinki felt nervous, he felt dirty, and he was not sure how Minho would react to him. It felt worse because his heart was pounding so fast in his chest, and he felt this surging warmth filling him. He just hoped that Minho would not be too disgusted by him; he sighed and glanced up nervously. He felt so happy and surprised when he saw that Minho was smiling so gently at him. Jinki felt relaxed; it was amazing how one sweet smile could convey so much and just make him feel assured that everything was going to be okay.
Jinki smiled up brightly at him, and he shifted so that Minho could stand beside him. Jinki found his eyes drawn to the other boy, and he felt a mix of emotions as he looked at him. He felt guilt as he watched Minho wince and rub at his sore neck because of how he slept. Jinki also felt something akin to affection as he saw him yawn softly, and his hair was all messed up. He felt like reaching over to run his fingers through Minho’s hair, to see if it was as soft as it looked. He swallowed, thinking that he was ridiculous to have a crush on him.
Just because he saved you from Kibum last night does not mean he likes you. Stupid. You’re dirty and tainted, he would never, never like you that way! He sighed and looked down at the windowsill, wishing all these confusing feelings would go away, he hated how he liked him. He hated how he was worried about him, and he felt like he wanted to protect him somehow. Oh yeah, how could I protect anyone? Ahaha what a fucking joke! I could never protest myself so how could I protect anyone else.
“Hyung.” Minho’s soft voice floated out into the otherwise silent room and Jinki blinked in surprise, “You’re scaring me, stop staring.” He mumbled, and Jinki realised that he was blushing. He swallowed and lowered his face immediately, feeling both ashamed and awkward that he had been caught staring but also that he was blushing. Jinki missed Minho’s grin, and the taller boy poked his shoulder lightly, making him shift and squawk at the pokes. Jinki felt ashamed to look up, he wondered what Minho thought about him staring but when he kept being poked he finally looked up.
“Ah… um… it looks so lovely outside.” Jinki commented, feeling so stupid. He wanted to go hide somewhere. “Do you think we can go for a walk outside? I mean, now before breakfast when no one is around.” He tapped the windowsill nervously, “I uh, realised it would be nice to go outside and walk with just you before I die. Not with everyone else, just us. I know it’s weird but I thought it would be, uhm, nice. And since its tomorrow, I’d like to do things today. Because it’s not like I know what time I’ll die.” He mumbled and shut up, realising that he had just blabbered on and that Minho was probably completely bored. Or he probably thought he was insane because after breakfast they would have to go outside with the other patients anyways, and they could walk then. Jinki sighed again, thinking it was such a stupid idea. He figured that Minho would not want to walk with just him.
“Yeah I think so.” Minho’s spoke softly, and reached a hand out to steady Jinki’s shoulder. His fingers felt both soothing and almost sensual as he touched his shoulder. Jinki blinked as he looked up and he smiled as he saw Minho gazing out the window happily. “Uh, what else do you want to do?” Jinki couldn’t help but smile as he listened to Minho’s voice; it was so low and deep, and it still had that rough quality to it, but he liked that. The way Minho spoke so slowly, each word coming out all raspy and rough, and the way it seemed as if he thought about each word carefully. Jinki figured he did, because it obviously still hurt for him to speak.
Jinki swallowed and looked out the window, shrugging before he replied, “I’m not sure. But I should decide right? And we should celebrate that I’m going to die tomorrow!” Jinki smiled up brightly at Minho, hoping the younger could not tell his smile was fake, and that he was actually feeling nervous. He had wanted death for so long, but he had no idea what would happen when he died. He realised that he was starting to worry about that, and now he felt sad for leaving Minho and Taemin behind. He felt guilty, but he was too proud to admit that to anyone.
“Hyung.” Minho frowned down at him, his solemn eyes looking pained and watery, “I refuse to celebrate your death.” He crossed his arms in front of his chest, “I don’t want you to die.” Minho’s voice cracked as he spoke, and Jinki’s smile faltered as he looked up and saw the sadness filling Minho’s eyes; he looked as if he was about to cry. It reminded him of how sad Minho’s eyes had looked when he first came. “And you don’t want to die either, I know it.”
Jinki tried to deny it, but he felt his tongue stick to the roof of his mouth and he found that he couldn’t think of anything to say at first. Minho stared down at him with such a sad expression it made Jinki feel like he wanted to cry too. No he realised he did not want to die anymore; instead he wished that he had been stronger. He wished that instead of taking the cowardly option, he had stood up to the bullies, that he had done something more than his cowardly act of trying to kill himself. And now gazing up at Minho, he did not want to leave him either.
“Well, even if I don’t want to die.” Jinki sucked in a deep breath and then added, “It’s too late for regret. I took those pills and now my life is cut short.” He attempted to shrug casually, “So it doesn’t really matter if I don’t want to die or not, because I am going to.” Minho shuddered slightly and Jinki tried to hold back his tears as he felt the other boy’s trembling hand pressing against his back lightly.
“I know, but I still want you to live. I don’t want to lose you; I don’t want you to die.”
Jinki shifted nervously as he sat down at the breakfast table, blinking carefully across at Kibum. He shrank back when the other boy leaned forward. Jinki felt so confused and intimidated when Kibum smiled brightly across at him and held his chopsticks across the table with some meat on them as if he actually expected Jinki to lean forward and let Kibum feed him. Jinki just blinked at him, feeling sick, and so confused that nothing made sense. He could not understand how Kibum could act like this, how he could act like nothing had happened. It sent shivers down his spine. He felt chilled to the bone as he sat there, and Kibum continued to smile sweetly across at him, he found it hard to concentrate. His food just sat on the plates, cooling until, Minho gently picked up Jinki’s hand.
Jinki froze, thinking it was Kibum touching him, and he shrank back, trying to pull his hand free until he looked up and saw that it was Minho. Minho smiled gently, and he grabbed Jinki’s chopsticks, holding them out to him until he took them. His smile reassured Jinki, and he swallowed as he clumsily held him, his fingers shaking slightly, but he started to eat slowly.
He was only half way through his meal when he saw Kibum get up, and then to his surprise Minho got up too. Jinki stopped eating and he started to rise too, when he saw them both leaving, but Minho pressed his hand to his shoulder and stopped him from rising. Jinki frowned up at Minho, but he just shook his head and pointed down at the food.
“Hyung.” He whispered softly, looking down so no one could see he was talking, “Hyung, finish eating. I’ll see you later.” He murmured and looked away, and Jinki swallowed, somehow feeling hurt. He nodded his head slowly, and watched Minho leave, following Kibum somewhere. He shivered and poked at his food; there was no one else at the table. He felt so uncomfortable as he realised that all the other patients were staring at him. It made it hard to eat when their beady eyes were watching him. He felt as if he was under a microscope.
He felt hurt that Minho had left him alone there, and he swallowed some rice, reminding himself that he didn’t mean anything to Minho. Minho was just being nice to him because he was dying, and that Kibum and Minho had been friends. He sighed, it’s selfish of you to want Minho to spend all his time with you. He probably gets sick of being around a sick freak like you. He sighed and poked at his rice, wondering if he should just leave now.
Jinki frowned as he stepped outside, the grass crisp under his feet as he glanced around. He swallowed nervously when he saw Kibum waving across at him, and he ignored him and walked around looking for Minho. He felt so faint as he walked around the field; he could not see Minho anywhere. It was strange, and he glanced over towards Kibum to double check if he was there. He bit his lip as he saw him nowhere, and in the end he slumped down on the grass, feeling weak and dizzy.
His heart thumped in his chest, and he found it hard to breathe. Jinki swallowed and tried to calm down, but he felt so alone, and he felt scared when he saw Kibum sitting over on the grass. He sucked in deep breaths and tried to calm down, breathing heavily. He kept glancing around uneasily, looking for Minho, and he wondered where he had gone. Jinki tugged on the grass with his fingertips to distract himself, and so he had something else to concentrate on.
“Jinki-ssi? How are you feeling today?”
Jinki blinked and he was surprised to see the doctor standing there, his white coat blinding in the sunlight. Jinki held his hand up to shade his eyes and he bit his lip and just nodded his head, unsure of what he was meant to say. I’m doing great, I might be dead tomorrow, so yeah I’m feeling awesome. He sighed and tugged more violently on the grass.
“I’m okay.” Jinki mumbled softly, squinting up at the doctor, “confused and unsure how to feel.” He sighed and then pouted, “It’s tomorrow, right. Or did I get the days wrong.” He frowned, finding it hard to keep track of the days.
“Yeah, tomorrow, although it’s not definite – we can’t accurately predict when your heart will give up.” He nodded his head slowly, and Jinki winced slightly. “How are you doing emotionally?” The doctor squatted down next to Jinki studying his face carefully. “And your heart is it giving you much pain? I’ll examine you later, and just see how your condition is.” He nodded his head, and Jinki swallowed nervously before he nodded his head too.
“Ohh.” Jinki swallowed and he wondered why everything hurt so much. His heart ached so badly, and he just wished it could all be over. He did not want to die anymore, but there was no way out, no way to escape the damage he had done to his heart. Now he was starting to feel scared, and there was no one to comfort him, so he just wished he would die right then and there.
“I’m sorry Jinki-ssi; I am sorry things turned out this way. It would have been nice if we could fix you, and help you feel better. But you have been feeling better, right? The nurses told me you seemed happier, and not so depressed.” He looked across at Jinki, who nodded his head slowly. He had been feeling better at times but that was because of Minho. Without Minho, his insecurities and doubts came back to the surface, but he did admit things did seem brighter. He no longer saw the sky as a solid wall of grey, but it was still brighter when Minho was there.
“Yeah I guess so.” Jinki nodded his head slowly, still picking at the grass.
“Okay. Well I’ll see you in a bit.” The doctor smiled and he stood up and walked away. Leaving Jinki alone again. He swallowed as he looked around, his thoughts going to Minho and to the weird sensations in his chest again. It scared him how he could feel his heart beating so abnormally. He tried to tell himself it was okay, but it really wasn’t.
Jinki smiled slightly when the door opened, but his smile froze when he saw it was the doctor. He expected to see Minho because he had not seen him since breakfast. Jinki felt so bored and restless and he wondered where Minho was. It had been ages since he had seen Minho; he had not come to his room all morning. He pouted and decided that he must be doing stuff with Kibum, and he tried not to feel jealous.
“Jinki-ssi, we need to do some tests on your heart. We’re going to do an electrocardiogram.”
He shifted uneasily as the doctor sat down next to him. A nurse wheeled in some machines, and he swallowed, feeling nervous. He swallowed again as the doctor began to undo his pyjamas, and Jinki froze, gripping his hands to stop him. He sucked in a deep breath, shaking his head and fighting the doctor, until the nurse grabbed his arms and held him down.
“Jinki-ssi, we need you to undo your pyjama top. Sorry, would you prefer it if you undid it yourself?” He asked and Jinki swallowed and then nodded his head. His fingers shook slightly as he undid the buttons, and he bit down onto his lip as he opened the top. The doctor smiled to reassure him and then he started to rub a strange feeling paste across his skin, before attaching electrodes to his chest, arms and legs. Jinki swallowed and tried to breathe normally.
“Relax.” The doctor murmured, “It’ll take ten minutes, we just need to do this to see how your heart is going.”
“Why... why...” Jinki paused, “why did you never do this before now?” He frowned up at the doctor, “Will it hurt?” He asked, his voice trembling slightly and he sighed when the doctor shook his head immediately. He felt annoyed as the doctor ignored him, and he nodded to the nurse who began to do something on the machine that Jinki could not see, and he tensed, feeling nervous.
“We did one when you were unconscious.” The doctor nodded his head, “It’s not necessary to do it often.” He nodded his head and turned to look at the screen to analyse the results. “Just relax.” He added a moment later, squinting at the screen.
The ten minutes felt like forever to Jinki, but he was relieved when the electrodes were peeled off, and the conductive paste was wiped off. He sighed in relief and immediately buttoned up his pyjamas, lying there while he waited for the results. He could see the doctor pointing out something to the nurse and nodding his head, and smiling slightly.
“Okay.” The doctor looked up, “Your heart condition is deteriorating, I’m sorry.” He sighed and held up the chart, so that he could see it and Jinki could not. “Hmm... don’t worry, it could be worse.” He nodded his head slowly, “I was worried it would be worse with all those attacks you’ve been having.” He looked down at his chart again then handed it to the nurse.
“Now,” He paused and sat down next to Jinki’s bed, “because your condition has worsened, we’re going to have to discharge you.” Jinki’s eyes widened in surprise hearing that, and he gaped slightly. “Technically we’re meant to refer dying patients on, Sunnyside is not equipped to deal with deaths.” He nodded his head again, “Now I have the papers to transfer you to another hospital.” Jinki felt sick hearing that and he squeezed his eyes shut, feeling sick. He was not going to get a chance to say goodbye to Minho; he was just being shoved off somewhere else.
“I have... to go somewhere else.” Jinki swallowed and blinked, his eyes starting to water slightly, “I thought I had to stay here the whole time.” He frowned and looked confused, and the doctor reached over and patted his hand. “I... don’t get it.” He paused and looked down, “do I really have to go? I want to say goodbye to people here.”
“Yes. The thing is, we don’t have enough staff for someone to take you to the other hospital.” The doctor coughed slightly, “so you will have to go by yourself.” He looked up at the nurse who was putting away the cables, and he waited until she had left the room before he continued. “So that means if you do not make it to the other hospital, no one will know.” His voice dropped lower and Jinki stared in surprise at the doctor, gaping again.
“I’ll go and sort out your discharge papers, and the information for the other hospital.” Jinki’s head was reeling and he just lay there in shock. The doctor was telling him not to go to the other hospital; he swallowed and was not sure what he should do. But if he didn’t go there what was he meant to do on his own? The last thing he wanted to do was spend his last day alone.
“Ah, so you’re leaving.”
Jinki turned to see Kibum standing in the doorway with a soft smile, and he nodded his head quickly. He felt slightly awkward around Kibum, but he tried to hide that as the other boy walked into what had been his room for the past week. He looked down at the windowsill and sighed as he looked out at the beautiful tree. Feeling frustrated and anxious because he did not know where Minho was, and he wanted to say goodbye to him.
“I lied.” Kibum spread his fingers across the windowsill, palm flat against the wood. “I lied about Minho screaming if he didn’t come in here, just so you would let him come in. I uh lied about a lot of things, sorry.” He shrugged casually and stepped closer to Jinki, “And… I’m sorry.” He pouted as he looked across at Jinki, sadness filling his eyes. “I don’t know… why I acted the way I did at night, sometimes… I go a little crazy.” He sucked in a deep breath and looked down, “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I am really sorry, I thought you wanted it.”
“It’s… it’s okay.” Jinki found himself reassuring the other boy, even if it wasn’t really okay. He wanted Kibum to at least feel better before he died. He did not want Kibum to feel guilty after he was gone. It did not matter if he still hurt, he was going to be dead soon. “I have to go but I wanted to say goodbye to you.”
Kibum stepped forward to hug Jinki, but the older boy visibly flinched and stepped back, going pale as he moved back. Kibum swallowed and stopped, hanging his head as he saw Jinki’s reaction. Jinki swallowed and stepped back again, “Sorry.” Jinki mumbled, “I just... don’t like hugs.” He lied, and tried to the fact that his teeth were chattering. Kibum slowly nodded his head and mouthed sorry to him.
“Do you know where Minho is? I have to say goodbye to him too.”
“I don’t know.” Kibum shook his head lying through his teeth. He wanted Jinki to believe that he had no idea where Minho was. “Maybe he’s talking to his doctor now, I’m sorry I have no idea. I haven’t seen him since breakfast.” He pouted, hoping that Jinki did not pick up on his lies. He did not want to tell him that Minho had just left his room five minutes before Jinki came in. He reached over to pat the older boy’s back but his hand froze in the air, “You guys got close even though he can’t speak.” Jinki slowly nodded his head, biting down into his lip. “I will say goodbye to him for you, oh he will be upset when he finds out you’ve left.” He frowned, glancing across at Jinki who looked hurt.
“I’ll tell him how sorry you were to miss him, I will tell him goodbye, don’t worry.” Kibum promised with a nod of his head, and somehow Jinki felt a little better, even if he still felt a little shivery with the other boy so close. He wished that he could just say goodbye to Minho, and he wondered if he should go and look for him again, but something about Kibum’s expression made him want to escape as quickly as possible.
“Thank you Kibum, and thank you for everything.”
Jinki felt strangely sad as he traced his way to the front of the building, and he felt strange as he walked out the doors in the sunshine. He sucked in a deep breath as he said goodbye to the nurse and he picked up his small bag of possessions-- he didn’t have much with him. Jinki felt slightly depressed that he never got the chance to say goodbye to Minho, and now he had nowhere to go except the other hospital. He had wanted to spend his last day with Minho, but that plan had failed. He held the transfer papers in his shaking hands, and bit his lip wondering what he was meant to do. The doctor had basically told him no one knew he was coming, so he did not have to go there. The problem was he had no idea where he should go, or what he should do.
Jinki walked slowly down the street, wondering if perhaps he should go and visit Taemin. Maybe that was what he should do, go and visit his cousin. But then he would feel bad for making him witness his death. He sighed and looked down at the papers again. He wished he had some idea on what to do, where to go. He shivered slightly as he felt a cool breeze and then he could hear laughter echoing around him. It scared him, and made him think of school, of the bullies. He swallowed and frowned, realising that he could hear a scraping sound, like a shoe being dragged across the tarmac.
His eyes widened as he heard more laughter, and the sound of footsteps seemed louder, closer even. He swallowed as the laughter seemed to close in around him; it sounded taunting. He clutched the sheet of papers and started to walk faster. He felt slightly nauseous and his heart was aching a bit. He nodded his head, deciding to go the other hospital. He tried to focus on that and not on the footsteps which seemed to get closer to him.
He heard more laughter and the words “can’t escape” echoing around him, and he suddenly found it hard to breathe. The footsteps sounded as if they were right behind him, and he shuddered, feeling certain that it was Jungmin. That Jungmin had found out where he was, and now he was going to finish what he started. Jinki shuddered; he thought all along that he would never escape, that somehow Jungmin would catch him. He tried to walk faster, but he was starting to tremble and then he tripped on a rock.
Jinki’s eyes widened and he gasped the sheaf of papers flying out of his hands and he felt a hand touch his back. The touch was not to pull him back, but it felt as if he was being pushed forward. He shuddered, feeling like he was going to be sick. The laughter seemed to be deafening, as if the whole world was watching his demise. He wobbled and slipped forward, his whole body crashing down into a heap on the rough tarmac. His eyes shut immediately and as he felt a hand grasp his arm, everything came crashing down on him. His thoughts colliding in his brain into a jumble, oh- fuck no it’s Jungmin. God! It’s the- I can’t- bullies! Escape! How do – Oh god – oh god!
He could feel his heart beating so painfully, his whole body throbbed with the pain, and to the roaring laughter everything faded out completely. He blacked out, losing consciousness and his last thought was that he was going to be tortured by the bullies for his last day. He could only hope that his heart would finally give up, and he would never wake up again.
idk how I feel about this part :/ lol.... I'm trying to get the others written so I can post them closer together? But we will see^^; I guess no one wants to wait a week for the last few parts right? XD And we're getting close now? XD